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Showing posts from 2008

We wont act until another 9-11: Condi Rice

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in conversation with Arnab Ghost Sawme.


AG: Its now a month since 26-11 and Pakistan has still not delivered anything. Are you actually doing something to pressurize them or is everything eyewash?

CR: We are aware of that. We had tried to bring Pak under pressure by stopping some shipments containing Pokimon langots; but alas, Pakistan is not responding.

AG: Please don’t give us this bull*&^%. So far US has played a wonderful role by indulging in half-hearted diplomacy. What are you guys waiting for another 9-11?

CR: That’s quite true. You see until something drastic happens to US interests, why should we act? If 26-11 had happened in US, we would have blown Afghanistan away and invaded Iran even though both these nations don’t have much to do with international terrorism.

AG: Every, every single instance of international terrorism has its roots in Pakistan. Taliban has its ideological base there. Pakistan is churning terrorists by the millions …

We will be thrashed: Pakistani army chief

Ash-fake Kia-nahi, is the chief of army staff of Pakistani army. The man was in the news recently for making unwarranted and belligerent comments on war with India. Our correspondent Rajcreep caught up with the man in Rawalpindi. Heres the interview…

RS: We will respond in two minutes…what’s the meaning of this statement?

AK: we will be manning our posts for two whole minutes and after that it’s gonna be everyman for himself.

RS: You mean…?

AK: Yes, we will fire everything we have for two minutes and then retreat. The top brass of our forces will be airlifted to safety and we will decide on the future course of action then. Whoever wants to stay back and fight will be allowed to do so; others will have to find the putli gulley themselves.

RS: So you wont be staying back to lead your men, right?

AK: Yes, what do you think this is, some kind of a video game? The Indian army has kicked us in the rear three times before and they are going to do it again this time. I don’t want to stay back and …

Pak angry with kashmiri millitants

An angry Pakistan has recalled its two penny separatists operating in Kashmir valley. This anger comes in wake of the successful completion of local elections in J&K – something that Pakistan never wanted.

“We have been feeding and clothing these parasites for years and look what they have given us in return. They had clear instructions to disturb the polls, threaten Indian citizens and hold massive demonstrations to weaken the resolve of the local populace. They have not succeeded in anything and the ISI chief is fuming,” said Pakistan’s minister for Kashmiri interference.

The recently concluded polls in Jammu and Kashmir witnessed record turnouts, spoiling the crooked plans of Pakistan-backed rats. A disappointed Pakistan is now venting its fury on the separatists, who are on the rolls of ISI and Pakistani army. Pakistan has asked all separatists to report to the ISI’s Kashmir cell in Lahore for further instructions. “It is quite apparent that many heads will roll and many changes…

The suicide bomber interview - part one

Kamran Al Jabeel is a Lahore based ‘professional suicide bomber’. He is a member of a breed that is quite visible in his country. Our correspondent still in Pakistan quizzed him about his life and times…heres the exclusive.

BD: Who exactly is a professional suicide bomber?
KJ: we are trained and certified guys, unlike others who simply tie a bomb around their waist and blow themselves up near their targets. We are professionals; in fact I have been certified by Jammat Ul Tehrik, which is the number one body for certifying suicide bombers in Pakistan. JuT is affiliated to Al Qaeeda and recognized by Pakistani government.

BD: So what is it like being a suicide bomber? I mean what drives you?
KJ: Its great. You get so much respect from the Pakistani society. My parents and relatives are very proud of me. I get so many proposals from parents of prospective brides…

BD: Wait a second…people want to marry their daughters to you? Why?
KJ: These are parents whose daughters are in the same line of d…

Indian shoe breached our airspace: Pakistan

Pakistan has lodged a strong protest with the Indian high commission in Islamabad over an alleged breach of its airspace by a shoe from India. Pakistani newspaper Daily Junk quoting Pakistani airforce sources reported that the shoe appeared on radar positioned near the Wagah border for a brief moment and then ‘vanished into the darkness’. Pakistan’s famed 10th airborne division consisting of three paper planes was immediately scrambled to intercept the shoe and neutralize the threat, but returned empty handed as the shoe had managed to miraculously disappear, the paper alleged in an Islamabad datelined story. Pakistan's kitchen cabinet had an emergency meeting to discuss the intrusion and dispersed after the usual round of snacks and tea.

Speaking to press after the incident, Pakistan’s over imaginative PM Gillani said that this was ‘another act of Indian belligerence’ designed to destabilize the region. He added that Pakistan will not be cowed down by such incidents and will wait …

Shoe terrorists...

Frontline Pakistani terrorist organization ISI has decided to raise a shoe throwing wing. This decision, coming in the wake of an unsuccessful attempt by an Iraqi journalist to 'shoe' the US president, will open up a new frontier for the global terror machine.

ISI has set the ball rolling and zeroed in on a few locations for setting up training camps for these ‘Jutadis’ (subject to approval from the ISI branding team). These camps will train Jutadis to effectively throw shoes and escape without being caught. They will also be taught to collect these shoes and return, so that they can be sold at a premium later. The proceeds from the sale will be invested in expanding the existing terror infrastructure in Pakistan and churning out more terrorists to cause destruction and havoc in countries around the world.

“There is tremendous potential here. We want to be the first mover in this space and exploit all possibilities. We could never have gained so much mileage with the kind of wor…

Pakistani air force on high alert

After reports of air space violation began trickling in, Pakistan has put its air force on high alert. Paki air force consisting of 13 hand gliders, 10 gliders, 23 hot air balloons, 6 advanced helium balloons, 12 pigeons, 2 sparrows and 32 kites has been asked to maintain a state of high alert.

Additionally, Pakistani radar system consisting of three FM radio handsets and two scarecrows has also been made functional on a 24\7 basis and Pakistani air force personal on leave have been asked to report to their air bases at the earliest. Pakistan's paranoid PM has asked his nation to stay calm while he and entire political apparatus of the nation is booking tickets on the latest Saudi flight to Jeddah. "We will fight them with everything we have. We are flying to Saudi just to ensure that the ordinary Pakistani citizens are safe and sound," Pakistani PM Gillani said in an emergency broadcast on PTV. He claimed that his nation was prepared for a war and that they will not giv…

ISI is holding a beauty pageant :)

The cash strapped ISI has decided to host a Miss Terror contest to rake in the big bucks. This was stated in a release datelined Islamabad issued by the agency late Saturday night. “ISI will organize a Miss Terror contest in the coming months to collect money for our social activities,” the release said.

According to ISI Chief Sujha Pasha, the agency had in the last few years reduced its budget for noble activities. “Due to certain exigencies, we have been unable to look after the families of the terrorists dispatched to over 80 nations around the world by ISI. This has really started pricking our invisible conscience and we do feel kind of guilty,” he said.

According to Head Operations (ISI), the contest will be divided into various rounds where Pakistani beauties will be pitted against each other. Each round will be named after a terror group sponsored by the Al Qaeeda franchise such as Lashkar, Harkat-ul-Mujahideen, Al Badr, etc. The judges will be conservative leaf-eating, donkey…

Pakistan deserves an Oscar...

Two weeks after its role in the Mumbai carnage was published, Pakistan continues to be in denial. Our correspondent Rajcreep Sorfakeeye currently in Pakistan met its PM Yousef Raza Gillani and quizzed him on the way ahead for the tarnished nation. Here is the exclusive interview…

RS: You have started acting against the perpetrators of the Mumbai attacks. Isn’t it too little too late?

G: We have been acting for quite a while. In fact we have been acting so well that everyone was convinced till the Mumbai attacks that we were doing something against these terrorists. No one seems to be appreciating our acting prowess now and we have fallen out of favor. Given a chance, Pakistan can beat bollywood with our hands tied as far as acting is concerned. We have so many types of actors…state ones, non state ones, transient ones..

RS: Will you ever be serious? What action have you taken against these ‘non state’ actors that you keep referring to?

G: We have given them the ultimate punishment. We h…

It takes a massive terrorist strike...

For our politicians to speak in one voice…
For the world to remember that Pakistan is a terrorist state…
To force the UNSC to act against a terrorist entity…
For our leaders to connect with people’s sentiments…
For the parliament to have a meaningful discussion…
For Raj Thackrey and the likes to be silenced…
For progressive minded Indians to think of joining politics…
For politicians to acknowledge their failure in meeting the expectations of the ordinary citizen…
For us to remember that freedom does not come free…
For Indians to wake up and realize that what binds us is stronger than what keeps us apart…

How many more have to sacrifice their lives for us to act? How lazy are we if we cannot act to save our own nation? Any answers?

Jamaat-ul-Dawa to expand to China

Pakistan’s terror friendly buddy in arms China has cleared a proposal to let the banned terror organization Jamaat-ul-Dawa to operate from its soil. Xinhua quoting senior members of the communist party reported yesterday that Jamaat’s plans to invest $ 30 million in building terror infrastructure in China received the politbureau’s unanimous nod. The news agency also said that the entire top brass of PLA was keen on sheltering elements from the Al Qaeeda franchisee and has invited the LeT to pay a visit to China.

It may be recalled that China has a long standing history of cooperation with Jamaat. China had blocked UNSC’s attempts to get Jamaat banned on many occasions and the later had praised the commie nation’s respect for the terror outfits ideology. Jamaat’s first office, to open in Shangai, will train Chinese terrorists, its politicians and PLA members in proxy warfare tactics, opium trade, human trafficking and infiltration techniques.

“Like Pakistan, we are also in love with t…

ISI chief admits to role in Mumbai blasts

Ahmad Shuja Pasha, the clown in charge of Al Qaeeda’s Pakistan arm ISI, was in the news recently for ISIs role in the Mumbai terror attack. Our correspondent grilled the general and he started spilling the beans..heres is the exclusive…

RS: How long will you be in denial? The entire world knows that Pakistan has orchestrated Mumbai attacks.

SP: Wheres the evidence?

RS: Oh come on Gen, the evidence has been shown to the world. There is a live terrorist who is having vegetarian meal three times a day at the cost of Indian exchequer in addition to tons of other inanimate stuff and you want evidence?

SP: I have always wanted evidence. I remember three decades ago, when the doctor came running and claimed that I have become a father, I without even winking asked him…wheres the evidence? You see we need evidence for everything and without that we don’t do anything.

RS: India would have confronted you with this evidence had you gone to New Delhi, when the Indian PM ordered you to.

SP: I was a…

Terror forecasting

In a bid to shore up its intelligence capabilities and provide advance information to citizens on terror attacks, the Indian government has now made it mandatory to have a terror forecast alongside weather bulletins on all major news channels and papers.

Information on possible attacks will be offered separately by RAW and IB to their affiliated channels and newspapers. These forecasts will be drafted on the lines of the weather forecasts and will offer sketchy information on possible terror attacks to citizens.

A sample terror forecast:
Sunday’s terror threat over north interior Orissa underwent two rounds of weakening and is currently hovering as a conventional ‘low’ over east Madhya Pradesh and neighborhood on Monday.
Gunfire and bomb blasts are expected in parts of Konkan, Goa and madhya Maharashtra and Marathawada in the 24 hours ending Monday morning. The satellite picture taken yesterday shows heavy infiltration in parts of Jammu and Kashmir, Rajasthan and West Bengal. Fisherme…

Predict a terror attack, win a prize

A FMCG major has launched a new game show in which participants can dial in and predict a terror attack. If the attack does materialize, he or she will get a prize sponsored by the channel airing the show.

The unique concept was conceptualized by a group of citizens after the repeated failure of Indian government to prevent terror attacks on the nation’s soil. “We are fed up and want to convey a message to the Indian government. I would rather have a guy with high ESP tell me that there’s gonna be a event today, rather than rely on the government and be killed,” a member of the group said.

The contest is also open to the members of our so called intelligence wings. The group believes that the prize could inspire these sleuths to sharpen their intelligence gathering capabilities and deliver more accurate forecasts. Prizes will be given based on the accuracy of the information and this contest is not open to Pakistani and Bangladeshi nationals.

“I would like to make it very clear that this…

Indians will be extinct by 2025

A global multilateral NGO in its report on genocide and ethnic cleansing has classified Indian nationals as ‘endangered’. The classification comes in the wake of recent terror attacks in different parts of India that have killed many Indians.

The report mentions the names of over 100 different Pakistan based groups who are out to kill Indians. It also lists out over 500 groups backed by China and over 75 groups supported by Bangladesh who would love to see Indians eliminated. “In view of the number of threats that Indians are facing and the kind of government that these guys have, it is indeed a miracle that Indians have survived for this long. I guess it is purely the numbers that have kept them going. Going forward however, that may not be true,” a spokesperson for the NGO said in Geneva on Friday.

According to the report, the number of terror incidents may see a significant rise over the next few years and so will the number of lives that are lost. “I don’t see any hope here. Unless …

A lesson for every politician

In the last three days when dark clouds had gathered over India, one moron was conspicuous by his absence. This guy who goes by the name Raj Thackerey, was nowhere to be seen when the NSG commandos were storming their targets. Our correspondent caught up with the guy hiding in his lair.


RS: where were you all this while? I mean usually one gets to hear from you once every three days, shooting your mouth off…

R(a)T: Oh it was really scary I tell you. I was having my dinner when I saw the initial footage of the terror attacks. I was so scared that I ran into the loo and bolted the door from inside. I couldn’t muster enough courage to see the whole incident.

RS: Considering the fact that these terrorists were also “outsiders”, how come you or your party cronies never issued any statements condemning them?

R(a)T: I told you naa that I was hiding. Lets not discuss this anymore, please.

RS: What exactly is it that you were afraid of?

R(a)T: Did you see the faces of the terrorists? Boy, they were…

Pakistan in denial mode

The Pakistan government can gain a lot by setting up a ministry dedicated to issuing denials and ‘clarifications’. Pakistan’s external affairs minister was struggling to come out with convincing replies to questions posed by mediapersons and the whole affair was handled in a amateurish manner by his government.

By initially agreeing to send their ISI chief and then backtracking, Pakistan has clearly exposed the dichotomy between the government and independent state backed actors who run the show. The move must have run into stiff resistance within the ISI rank and file and forced the government to backtrack. Is this all or does the Pakistani government have something more to hide? The facts clearly indicate that Pakistan has not just sponsored the terrorists, but have armed, trained and moved them.

Some of the intelligence folks in India are saying that the marine wing of the Laskhar was responsible for this gruesome episode. But where did this wing spring from? Can a bunch of donkey ri…

India is all alone in its war on terror…

Terror struck again in the heart of India’s financial capital; over a hundred lives lost and once again the men in uniform stepped in, put their lives on the line and cleared the mess left behind by a lackadaisical government and intelligence infrastructure that is all but dead.

The government has reacted ‘swiftly’ and asked the ISI chief to come to India. Now what the hell is that supposed to solve? The ISI chief will visit India with a script perfected over the years complete with denials and doctored evidence on India’s alleged role in fomenting trouble in Baluchistan. Don’t we all know that bringing the ISI into the investigations and handing over evidence will lead nowhere? Perhaps our PM should have also invited Pakistani economic citizen and their beloved guest Dawood Ibrahim to visit India and see the evidence. I guess Dawood would have been better placed to convince the ISI chief and the Pakistani political apparatus about the role of ISI insiders in this incident.

What about t…

Dalai Lama should retire...

There is only one man standing between Tibet and her independence, a Chinese stooge who goes by the name Dalai Lama. This man has progressively worked to undermine Tibetan freedom and submitted to the wishes of his Chinese masters. He has in the process done irreparable damage to a noble cause and his recent decision not to retire is huge setback to the Tibetan freedom movement.

Dalai Lama has consistently worked to suppress the genuine aspirations of Tibetan citizens. By working on the payrolls of his Chinese masters, he has all but misled the movement and rendered it directionless by first agreeing to drop the demand for freedom and then dissolving all internal uprisings within the occupied country. That the Lama was working for China was never in doubt. He is also a celeb-wannabe who prides in showcasing his spiritual elevation in various ceremonies held in his honor.

In the last two decades, he was done nothing but wine and dine with global leaders while conveniently betraying the f…

The shocking truth behind Somali pirates

According to a report published by an international maritime watchdog, the recent spurt in pirate attacks off the Somali coast is connected in many ways with the financial services industry. The confidential report, prepared after extensive investigations off the Somali coast, throws light on the brains behind the dreaded pirate groups acting ruthlessly in international waters.

According to the report, some of the rogue CEOs and fraudsters of global financial institutions that went bankrupt in the last decade have teamed up with the pirates to target loaded cargo vessels passing in their waters. Though the pirates had the muscle, they desperately needed some shrewd planning to implement their evil agenda.

The report says “some of these executives were recruited through Blinkedin and offered CTC packages on par with the best in the industry. In addition to tax free income, the package included an all expenses paid vacation to any location of their choice, twice a year. All the fraudste…

Pakistan’s alms ministry is up and running.

In a bid to revive its sagging economy and shore up its bankrupt foreign exchange reserves, Pakistan has set up an independent Alms ministry with powers to beg from all possible sources. Basheer Khan is tasked with the unenviable job of approaching the powers that be to rake the moolah in. Our correspondent caught up with the busy man in the wee hours of Friday and got his take on the whole quagmire his country is facing and his plans on getting the much needed foreign exchange.

RS: What was the need to set up a dedicated ministry for begging?
BK: Our BoP position is really miserable at this point of time. Everyone from the president to the section officer in the external affairs ministry is walking around with the begging bowl to bring in funds to revive the economy. Previously we were being funded adequately by US and China but that’s no longer true. Even the Saudis have backed out so where does that leave us? My ministry is the focal point of all fund gathering activities and it is…

The $2 billion heartache

Faced with increasing number of breakups in the country, the Indian government has asked the RBI to set up a special cell to rank relationships. The decision comes in the wake of a report submitted by a special committee which said that the country was loosing upto 2 billion dollars every month due to productivity losses inflicted by breakups.

It may be remembered that the Indian government had set up a special committee headed by a senior bureaucrat to study the impact of breakups on productivity in the public and private sector. The committee’s findings, termed alarming by the government, were published last month and subsequently analyzed by a team of cabinet ministers (GoM) who have now asked the government to act soon or lose more money and time.

The committee reported that since the impact of the ongoing financial crises started becoming more apparent, relationships have been strained. Apparently, as a result of breakups, people were becoming more disoriented and losing focus and …

China is angry with India.. again

China on Friday registered its strong protest with the Indian embassy in Beijing against alleged efforts by the Indian government to “threaten its people”. The protest is apparently directed against Indian government dispatching an uncensored and unedited version of the movie Desh Drohi to Chinese spokesperson Qin Gang. This copy was dispatched by the Indian external affairs ministry in response to the Gang’s statement that China did not recognize Arunachal Pradesh as a part of India.

According to our sources in Beijing, Gang went into a comma after watching the movie and his condition is said to be serious. “The Chinese government has taken a serious note of this move by India to push its case and we are still watching the situation,” a Chinese official told Xinhua news agency. In the meantime, the controversial movie DVD has been handed over to the Forensic Psycology wing of Beijing University for further study by the Chinese government.

“This is only the beginning. If they don’t …

Bollywood responsible for whitewash - Hayden

Mathew Hayden, another joker in the pack of wild animals that calls itself the Australian cricket team, was in the news recently for calling India a ‘third world’ country. We caught up with the freak in Sydney and grilled him on this and other issues…heres the interview..


RS: Your remark was completely uncalled for…what did you achieve by saying this?

MH: I am just preparing the ground for my autobiography…you know we need some spicy stuff to increase sales. In fact after Gilly, most of us have now decided to write books and pen down our own story.

RS: But other than sledging and cribbing, you guys don’t know anything and your vocabulary is as big as a matchbox. So how so you plan to write an entire book?

MH: Do you think I can write a book? I cannot even stitch a pyjamma even if my life depended on it. We have plenty of ghost writers down under and they will do the needful. Infact I will be hiring the same guy who wrote Gilly’s auto…

RS: Agreed there was a delay in the start of the match…

Terms of reference – global financial slump

In this post I have tried to use common terms linked to the economic recession with relationships. Hope the result is worth a laugh. Heres the primer.

Bond – nothing to do with 007. This is what exists between you and your GF, till she sucks your blood dry and moves on.

Capital – reason why your girlfriend is still with you

Collateralized debt obligations (CDOs) - your relationship debts bundled together (tangible and intangible)

Credit crunch – a scenario that prevails till you are in a relationship

Dead cat bounce – when your girlfriend’s ex returns

Derivatives – kids from a live-in relationship

Limited Liability – live-in relationship

Liquidity – your capability to vanish when the shopping bill appears on the horizon

Mark-to-market – your value as determined by your GF. A direct function of how visible your relationship can be. Soars if you are seeing multiple people (while your partner is not), declines if the reverse is true.

Nationalization: when your girlfriend’s father decides to …

China wants the moon

China's official Xinhua News Agency ran a story recently, announcing ground controllers were tracking Chinese astronauts sent aloft for the country's first spacewalk, complete with details and quotes from the astronauts. There was just one problem: the astronauts were yet to blast off for the spacewalk. Rajcreep caught up with Gen. Lee, media incharge for the government of China and questioned him on the goof up.

RS: Gen, can you explain the incident?

GL: whats to explain? Its all due to some sleepy journos in Xinhua. Those jokers pressed the go live button before the event. They have all been deported to the Sujiatun slave labor camp in Liaoning. They will learn to hold their horses there.

RS: So is this the way in which you guys work? Cook up everything before and then deliver?

GL: yeah so you have a problem with that? See everything about our nation is cooked up be it the GDP growth figures or the employment numbers. In fact, our politbureau members have a saying – you can tru…

Welcome...to the Jurassic Park

In a major breakthrough, scientists and paleobiologists from the National Institute of Jurassic Research have managed to locate certain ancient species living in India. These individuals have been around since the time when life made its debut on the planet and continue to thrive. Needless to say their fossilized mindset is still frozen in those times and they are working hard to push the nation back to the pre Cambrian era.

Mamtosaurus: A classic specimen from the early Mesozoic characterized by its steadfast reluctance to evolve. This one is known to go for days without food or water to put pressure on competitors. One is still not sure as to how it hunts for food.

Deveraptor: Another ancient specimen from the late cretaceous. This one is known to essay multiple roles with ease. A known project stopper, Deveraptor gets its food as commissions by taking a cut from food gathered by other hunters. Some of the scientists are of the opinion that the hyenas may have evolved from this speci…

Al Qaeeda bags stake in Thackerey's party

In a move that could lead to a major realignment of terror forces in the sub continent, transnational terror organization Al Qaeeda has purchased a minority stake in the Raj Thackrey run No Nirman Say-na. The 33 percent stake, purchased for an undisclosed sum, will enable Al Qaeeda to nominate a director to attend the board meetings of Raj’s party.

“The stake represents our interest in a party that has the same destructive tendencies and divisive policies as the Al Qaeeda. Both the parties can now look at synergizing their operations and knowledge transfer to pave the way for a new wave of terror across the globe,” Comical Ali, spokesperson for Osama Bin Laden said in an interview yesterday.

Al Qaeeda, with its footprint in over 60 countries has been looking at various options to establish a presence in India. The initial plan using ISI’s SIMI and Bangladesh-backed HuJI failed miserably as these two organizations were only taking orders from Islamabad and not Tora Bora mountains. Defens…

Economic slump affects relationships

The ongoing recession in global economy has taken its toll on relationships too, if the latest figures released by the renowned Cartner magazine are to be believed. According to the magazine, the number of new relationships that have emerged over the last 90 days has shown a sharp decline of almost 70 percent as compared to the same period last year. The magazine also reports a 45 percent rise in the number of breakups and a 32 percent decline in instant relationships, in the same period. The magazine has attributed this decline to the recession and says that the overall outlook is gloomy as people have other things on their mind.

Cartner further says that the worst effected of the lot are relationships involving multiple partners. “I used to have three boyfriends; one for emotional support, another for shopping and a third one for showoff. I have dumped two of them as they are unable to do anything for me. I know it was a very tough decision on my part, but then that’s how the cookie …

Raj Thackery is now a visiting faculty at Jinnah Institute

Karachi-based Jinnah institute, an academic body dedicated to studying divisive policies and implementing them in politics, has appointed MNS head Raj Mockery as guest faculty. An announcement to this effect was made by Jinnah Institute register Faqrudin Khan in Karachi today.

“We were quite impressed by Mockery’s divisive mindset. Not since the days of Jinnah have we had such a divisive minded politician. This guy can split brothers, families, communities and even a nation and we are excited by the potential shown by him”, Khan said justifying the appointment.

Apparently, Mockery’s name was suggested by none other than former Pakistani dictator Gen Musharraf. Musharraf, was following the events that happened in Mumbai quite closely for the past few days and is said to have asked Khan to offer some vocation to Mockery, who seemed like he needed one, sources told this blogger. In addition, Mockery reminded Musharraf of the Jinnah himself, trying to sow the seeds of hatred and communal…

Raj Thackery attacks SETI

MNS head and all round joker Raj Mockery has launched a verbal barrage against the Mountain View California based Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence, a non-governmental organization engaged in the search for life outside planet earth. Mockery alleged that SETI was implementing an ‘evil agenda’ to replace earthlings with cheap labor from outside the solar system.

At a press conference attended by two stringers from unknown vernacular dailies, Mockery claimed that incase extra terrestrial life were to be detected, they could come over to earth and settle down here. “SETI is doing its bit to make sure that all earthlings lose their jobs and become vandals like my partymen. They should let sleeping dogs lie and stop their search at the earliest or else I will dispatch a bunch of my nastiest party workers to vandalize their equipment in California,” Mockery threatened.

After launching a campaign against his own countrymen, Mockery has now set his sights on aliens. “Already th…

Gilchrist wants to hit the Dalai Lama

(S)adam Gilchrist seems to have lost the plot, or has found a new one to increase the sales of his new book, in which he has attacked virtually everyone including Tendulkar, Ganguly, Bhajji, Eskimos, martians and even the abominable snowman. Our correspondent Bhakra Dutt spoke to the nut case and came back convinced that Gilly needed to sack his shrink. Here’s the exclusive interview:

BD: Whats wrong with you? You have virtually attacked the whole of Indian team for no rhyme or reason except selling your new book.

SG: That’s quite true. But you haven’t read the whole book, I presume, as I have also blamed Bush, Osama, Hugo Chavez, bollywood, Kim Jog Ill and even the Dalai Lama.

BD: What wrong did Dalai Lama do to you?

SG: He met me after one of my matches and told me that I shouldn’t lie so much. I almost punched him…I mean imagine telling me not to lie..that takes guts.

BD: He is a learned man and you are just a rookie cricketer, who believes in appealing like a chimp whose candy has…

Now goons want a classical tag...

A group of influential gangsters representing the interests of goons across the nation has requested the Indian government to accord Classical status to their ‘Tapoori’ language. The group calling themselves the Beloved Hoodlums Association of India (BHAI) met union culture minister Ambika Soni and urged her to consider their request seriously and give the tag at the earliest.

“The Bhai language is one of the oldest in the country. It was spoken by the first bhai of the nation Mr. Ravan and has since been modified by generations of goons who have enriched the language with their literary skills and linguistic passion,” claimed BHAI spokesperson Pappu Chikna in an interview with the Borivili Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) today. Pappu was extremely vocal in his demand and asked the centre to look at the antiquity of the language, the richness of the dialect and the passion with which it is spoken in various parts of the country. Pappu felt that the tag would attract more funding for car…

Patil is the new brand ambassador

A prominent global non governmental body has chosen Indian politician and Home Minister Shivraj Patil as its hygiene ambassador for South Asia.

Patil was chosen after a rigorous selection process involving politicians from across the sub continent. The leaders were judged on parameters such as stress on personal hygiene, confidence and the ability to stay aloof. “We were impressed by the speed at which the minister washed his hands off every single incident of terror in the country. The moment a bomb went off, Mr Patil would take a bath, change into new clothes and mouth a few lines from his diary. Now it takes guts to do that and we acknowledge Mr. Patil’s concern for personal hygiene even under such trying circumstances,” a spokesperson for the organization said in New Delhi yesterday.

The organization also commended Patil on his efforts to wash his hands off any responsibility that came his way on the national security front. “Our respect for Mr Patil is growing by the day as we real…

Exclusive sneak peak: Osama’s memoirs

In what could be a move to reach out to the members of the Booker jury and test his literary skills, world’s most dreaded terrorist Osama Bin Laden has declared that he will be penning his memoirs.

The announcement was made by his newly appointed spokesman Comical Ali. Many may remember Comical Ali as the hyperbolic media manager of Saddam Husssein, who used to hold elaborate sessions for the media wherein he would describe the “glorious successes of the Republican Guards” even as the coalition forces were at the Baghdad airport. Osama has managed to pull Comical from retirement for reasons best known to him.

“Osama, praise his noble existence along with 300 donkeys, has decided to speak the words of the ordained one. He will now show his opponents, who are not worth an old shoe, their respective places,” Comical thundered at the press conference in Peshawar. Coming down heavily on Bush, who had made his boss hide in the mountains, Comical said “this seed of the devil Bush will suf…

Financial slump hits terror industry

Pakistani frontline terrorist organization, ISI, has toned down its terror forecast for the coming quarter in view of the prevailing slump in global financial markets. This was announced by the new ISI chief Lt-Gen Ahmed Shuja Pasha at a press conference organized in Lahore today to declare ISI’s midterm results.

The results indicate a decline in the number of terror incidents backed by ISI around the world. The only highlight of an otherwise lackluster year was the bombing of Indian embassy in Kabul carried out by ISI backed elements some months back. The number of terror incidents has declined by more than 50 percent as compared to the same period last year, while the number of terrorists exported onsite has come down by as much as 45 percent according to official figures released by the Pakistani government.

“We have had a really dull year and the pipeline seems to be drying up. But we are optimistic that we will tap into new sources of funding to make up for the loss of revenue fr…

Increasing attendance in parliament

Here’s how we can get out elected reps to attend parliament.

Instead of discussing issues of national interest, let the honorable members indulge in pure gossip. The personal life of the member who is absent will be debated in his absence in front of a live audience.

Put a wide screen television in both the houses that will allow members to watch movies and cricket matches whenever they get bored.

Replace existing benches with retractable chairs and cushions (ala aircraft) to let members catch their 500 winks, whenever needed.

Allow members to smoke inside the house.

Bring in cheerleaders from various countries (ala IPL) and allow them to perform inside the parliament atleast once a week.

Announce a reward for the member who clocks in the maximum hours in parliament. This dude can then exchange the hours for frequent flier miles on various airlines.

Transform parliament into the base of a reality game show (ala big boss). This is already happening atleast partially. This will bring in some …

Ghosts in the White House..

In what could be termed as a development, US President George Bush has set up a high powered committee to bury all speculations on ghosts haunting the White House. The committee, including scientists and paranormal experts from around the country, will conduct extensive investigations and submit a report to the senate in the first week of December.

Action against the ghosts was on the US government agenda for a while now and the latest move may be driven by certain unexplained events that have happened in the recent past. White House Press Secretary Dana Perino feels that this move will put an end to all rumors about ghosts haunting the famous home of the most powerful man in the world.

Stories about ghostly haunting in the White House have been around for ages. It is said that Lincoln's ghost haunts the White House. He appears in the room where the Lincoln bed is kept. Harry Truman once responded to a 3 o'clock knock on his door and found no one there. When he returned to his …

India's moon mission and Pakistan's goon mission

In what could be construed as a response to India's efforts to expand its space exploration horizon, Pakistan has announced its plans for space research. Pakistan wants to become the first country to put a terrorist in orbit. This was revealed by Raza Hussain, Chairman of Pakistan Space and Upper Atmosphere Research Commission (SUPARCO) at a press conference organized in Karachi.

Raza said that off late SUPARCO was focusing on path breaking new initiatives to inject fresh life into the nation's sagging space programme. Pakistan's only presence in space so far is a satellite PAKSAT-1, situated at 38 degree E Long in a geo stationary orbit. This satellite has been leased from Hughes Global and the lease period will expire in 2011.

"Our aim is to become the first country to put a terrorist in orbit by 2040. We are working closely with China, which has copied technology from Russia and USA for this goal," he said. When asked as to why Pakistan wanted to send a terrori…