Pakistan’s alms ministry is up and running.

In a bid to revive its sagging economy and shore up its bankrupt foreign exchange reserves, Pakistan has set up an independent Alms ministry with powers to beg from all possible sources. Basheer Khan is tasked with the unenviable job of approaching the powers that be to rake the moolah in. Our correspondent caught up with the busy man in the wee hours of Friday and got his take on the whole quagmire his country is facing and his plans on getting the much needed foreign exchange.

RS: What was the need to set up a dedicated ministry for begging?
BK: Our BoP position is really miserable at this point of time. Everyone from the president to the section officer in the external affairs ministry is walking around with the begging bowl to bring in funds to revive the economy. Previously we were being funded adequately by US and China but that’s no longer true. Even the Saudis have backed out so where does that leave us? My ministry is the focal point of all fund gathering activities and it is we who identify a donor and frame a plan to get these countries to part with their money.

RS: How bad are things?
BK: You wouldn’t want to know. The treasury is empty, we don’t have the stationary to run our daily operations, newspaper vendors have stopped giving papers, salaries have not been paid to employees for quite sometime; I have seen government employees coming to office wearing only baniyans as they are no longer able to afford shirts. People are laying of their watch and ward staff, maids, pets and even husbands. We are no longer able to import Pakistan’s most favorite garment, the Pokimon langot. Yesterday, some desperate talibani elements attacked and looted a cargo ship carrying these langots to Singapore.

The situation is so bad that I haven’t been able to watch a bollywood movie on those pirated cds since ages.

RS: How will your ministry save Pakistan?
BK: We will identify potential donors and approach them with a comprehensive plan to revive our economy. Then we chase them, hound them and stalk them till they share some dough with us. We are asking our terrorists posted in developed countries to shift their focus from blowing things up to gathering money. Some of them have now joined local theatre and circus groups and are now working to gather money. We have assured them that once our BoP position improves, they can blow themselves up before any target of their choice unlike before. Pakistani army has been asked to shell out 60 percent of its revenue from drug trade and arms running to our ministry and Taliban will now fork out a maintenance tax that will also be channeled to us.

RS: What about ISI?
BK: ISI is now diversifying into new areas. They have opened up a new movie studio where they will produce and release new movies to bring in money from the box office. The first movie that is in the production stage is a comedy starring former tin pot dictator Musharaff.