Gilchrist wants to hit the Dalai Lama

(S)adam Gilchrist seems to have lost the plot, or has found a new one to increase the sales of his new book, in which he has attacked virtually everyone including Tendulkar, Ganguly, Bhajji, Eskimos, martians and even the abominable snowman. Our correspondent Bhakra Dutt spoke to the nut case and came back convinced that Gilly needed to sack his shrink. Here’s the exclusive interview:

BD: Whats wrong with you? You have virtually attacked the whole of Indian team for no rhyme or reason except selling your new book.

SG: That’s quite true. But you haven’t read the whole book, I presume, as I have also blamed Bush, Osama, Hugo Chavez, bollywood, Kim Jog Ill and even the Dalai Lama.

BD: What wrong did Dalai Lama do to you?

SG: He met me after one of my matches and told me that I shouldn’t lie so much. I almost punched him…I mean imagine telling me not to lie..that takes guts.

BD: He is a learned man and you are just a rookie cricketer, who believes in appealing like a chimp whose candy has been taken away. How could you even think of doing something like punching the great Dalai Lama.

SG: Oh oh..wait a second, I didn’t say that. I was misquoted and quoted out of context. I never said that. I never said whatever I was supposed to have said. Lets have this interview all over again. I will visit Dalai tomorrow and clear this confusion.

BD: Forget it, I have captured everything on tape here and you cannot escape this time.

SG: Ok cool, relax; will you let me explain? I have had this problem, albeit a small one, of split personality since childhood. When they were selecting the players for Australian XI, that’s what got me into the side, as they needed a delusional guy with the arrogance of a vulture and the next thing I knew- I was on a Qantas flight with the Australian national side.

BD: You are said to have blamed Arnold Schwarzenegger in your book. Care to explain?

SG: I ran into him in one of the pubs in Sydney and there he was trying to act as if he was a big body builder or something. The other guys were afraid, but I went up to him and told him on his face that he looked like giant Oak tree. But Arnold just ignored me and that’s when I got really angry and said that Arnold was a big chicken who had drowned his feathers in Fosters.

BD: And then?
SG: He just lifted me and immersed me in a barrel of beer, put the lid and kicked the barrel down the road. By the time my joy ride ended, I was in a hospital looking like an ancient mummy all wrapped up in bandages head to toe; even my dog refused to identify me. Arnold is to blame for all this.

BD: what are your future plans?

SG: write a sequel to my book called tax, lies and stereotype; I have also been approached by Mahesh Bhatt for a movie and some of the TV channels in India want me to judge their talent shows. Infact, Raj Thackery has asked me to take over as the spokesperson for his party and I have accepted the offer.

BD: Why?
SG: That guy is my type of dude, evil, wicked and cunning. He wants to split the nation and create insecurity in the minds of Indians in Mumbai with his Pakistani mindset. I mean imagine he has already made millions of Rupees of tax payer’s hard earned money vanish by saying a few words. He has sowed the seeds of hatred and will reap the harvest of votes in the next elections; for me he is like Osama, getting power by dividing people on various lines. In fact, Raj told me recently that the Pakistani government was planning to honor him for his exemplary deeds. I, with my ability to lie and cheat, will be the perfect spokesperson for such a divisive party.