We will be thrashed: Pakistani army chief

Ash-fake Kia-nahi, is the chief of army staff of Pakistani army. The man was in the news recently for making unwarranted and belligerent comments on war with India. Our correspondent Rajcreep caught up with the man in Rawalpindi. Heres the interview…

RS: We will respond in two minutes…what’s the meaning of this statement?

AK: we will be manning our posts for two whole minutes and after that it’s gonna be everyman for himself.

RS: You mean…?

AK: Yes, we will fire everything we have for two minutes and then retreat. The top brass of our forces will be airlifted to safety and we will decide on the future course of action then. Whoever wants to stay back and fight will be allowed to do so; others will have to find the putli gulley themselves.

RS: So you wont be staying back to lead your men, right?

AK: Yes, what do you think this is, some kind of a video game? The Indian army has kicked us in the rear three times before and they are going to do it again this time. I don’t want to stay back and be captured. Besides, leadership is not something our army has and its not something that we could borrow from US or China and so its in our best interests that the chief is not left to the mercy of Indian forces.

RS: why did your air force scare your own people by conducting low flying sorties over Islamabad and Lahore?

AK : After we created the intrusion story, many Pakistanis were wondering if we have an air force or not. I mean they are so invisible..in fact I had myself forgotten that we have something that flies (starts laughing uncontrollably) till I heard about these sorties. The air chief later told me that these sorties were done to tell the people of Pakistan that we did have an air force.

RS: Flip flops – first you said Indian planes had entered your territory and then your president said that this was only a ‘technical intrusion’ and then the story of an ‘Indian terrorist’ and..

AK: I cant help. You see if I was depending on Pakistan army to save my country I would also have been afraid too. You needn’t be worried by such statements as they simply reflect a deep seated paranoia and fear that is lurking in the minds of the ordinary Pakistani.

RS: You must be happy with Taliban’s offer to help your army…

AK: What help? Do you actually think I can do anything with these two penny langot stealing, donkey riding, pico-brained clowns? We have raised and trained these men and I am very well aware of their capabilities. A few idiots know how to blow themselves up at the wrong places, others are experts in preparing threatening videos while others simply know how to cultivate opium. Most of them spend days together watching pirated bollywood movies and cartoons. What help will these guys render when a war breaks out?

RS: What about China? Have they offered any help?

AK: yeah right. The Chinese PLA chief called me the other day and told me that if he needs any weapons I can ask him. When I did, he sent me 1500 gallons of melamine contaminated milk and 6000 toys contaminated with lead. He then called me up and said this was just the beginning and he can send more contaminated stuff.

RS: You have started moving troops from the western borders. Isnt this a move designed to pressurize US.

AK: I agree. In fact many of our troops refused to move to the eastern theatre and we had to use force. You see most of these guys were just playing with their Taliban buddies and acting as though they were fighting them. In fact thousands of our men have actually deserted and joined forces with the Taliban. So it was essential that we break this nexus to prevent further desertions.