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Showing posts from July, 2012

Congress woos angry Pawar with a special No 2 chair

Sources in the Congress have told Humor Unplugged that the PM had asked top strategy makers in the party to aggressively woo estranged ally Sharad Pawar. The diktat was issued on Wednesday evening and party managers got into the act immediately. 

Party’s main motor mouth Diggi got in touch with a local carpenter and got him to prepare the frame for a nice and comfy chair next morning. He then got his friends in Slovenia to send him special cushions and got a Kenyan chair designer to fly in to specially design the exterior of what he called the UPA-II Number Two chair. The whole project was wrapped up in under three days and the chair is now undergoing weight and slap trials in Diggi’s garage. It will be used in all UPA meetings going forward to seat Sharad Pawar.

"The outer jacket of this chair is made from Pawarji's old pajamas. He was kind enough to hand them over to us and we have used pieces from them at various places in the chair. This will make the chair more homely an…

Pakistan is producing a movie on Ajmal Kasab

Its official. Pakistani Army and ISI are together producing a movie on 26-11 terrorist Ajmal Kasab. The movie, called Kasablanca, has already hit the floors and will be released around November this year. Staring one of Pakistan's leading heroes, the movie revolves around the life of a terrorist armed, trained and dispatched by ISI to wreck havoc in India. The poster claims that the movie is a love story. A disclaimer at the bottom of the poster says that the movie has not been produced by any Pakistani state agency and is based on a completely fictitious story.

So without further ado, here is the poster presented exclusively by Humor Unplugged.

Haqqani Network asks US to ‘hurry up’ on the Foreign Terrorist Organisation designation

Pakistan Army’s wholly owned subsidiary, the Haqqani Network has asked US to designate it as a Foreign Terrorist Organisation (FTO) soon. A plea to this effect was made by the Network’s Chief Finance Officer Mullah Somar in Islamabad today. It may be remembered that recently, the US House of Representatives had passed a bill through voice vote to force the state department to decide within a month whether the Haqqani Network meets the criteria for the designation. 

Explaining the logic behind the move, Somar said “Look US is not a source of funds for our activities. It is instead the Pakistani army and the ISI who fund us right from the donkey saddles to AK 47s. A major parameter that Pakistani army uses to determine if a group is worthy of its largesse is the US or Indian designation. If either one of these countries brands a Pakistani group as a terror organisation, Pakistani army opens a new account in HSBC for the group and releases a huge corpus within just 13 days. In addition, a…

Man blames mobile phone tower radiation for domestic tensions

The Sillichar High Court was besieged by a strange divorce case recently. A woman, a team lead in a software company in Bangalore, filed for divorce from her social media addicted hubby citing mental agony, emotional torture and lack of moral support as reasons. But instead of accepting or denying these charges, the man blamed the whole episode on radiations from a cell phone tower that had come up in the vicinity of their home, recently.

“Before the tower came up, we were a happy couple. We used to even share a ice cream and update each other’s statues on Facebook every now and then. But once the tower came up, she changed and so did I. Everything stopped after that and we started quarrelling like MPs during the monsoon session. Besides my mother-in-law moved in with us and that pretty much was the straw that tickled the hyena into submission, your honor,” the man said while deposing before the judge.

The woman disagreed. “Your honor, my soon to be ex-husband is a social media addic…

Hillary Clinton releases US apology template

In a landmark move, US has decided to start using a template to issue apologies to insecure countries like Pakistan for various transgressions in the future. The template was developed by a State Department employee after Pakistani foreign minister Hina Khar harassed his boss and US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to issue an apology (for the NATO strike) by calling her 20 times in one day.    

Humor Unplugged has managed to get a copy of the apology template. This is what it looks like:

Indian government will delay joining date for new president, VP to be on the bench

Nearly a month after a few IT companies delayed their fresher on-boarding plan, instability in the economic environment and slowdown in tax collections have forced the Indian government to postpone the joining date for the new president. Sources in the finance ministry have confirmed the development and added that a decision to this effect has been taken at the highest level in the government.

Sources have also told Humor Unplugged that a Government Order on this has already been issued and is currently being circulated among the concerned departments. The offer letter to the new president will be issued 90 days after the elections are over and the government also drive a bargain on the president's take home salary. The practice of issuing tax saving food coupons to presidents (which allowed the president to dine at a few restaurants and buy food items from supermarkets) will also be discontinued from this year onwards.

In addition, the government has also decided to move the yet …

Government orders CBI inquiry into Kareena’s missing cheeks

Hours after NDTV published an article highlighting actor Kareena Kapoor’s missing cheeks, the government swung into action and ordered the CBI to conduct a thorough investigation into the episode.  

Minister of State for Home Affairs — Gurudas Kamat, while addressing a media briefing in Kolkata said the situation was ‘tense but under control’. He said that the government has taken cognisance of Kareena’s missing cheeks and was actively working to determine where the cheeks were at this point of time and to restore them to the actor. He also said that the case has already been handed over to the CBI.

Sources in the government told Humor Unplugged that the Indian government is viewing the episode as a golden opportunity to shrug off allegations from opposition that it was paralysed and not in a position to take bold measures on issues concerning national interest. “Remember what I told you the other day when you turned up at my office, uninvited? The UPA is not paralysed. It has just ha…