Showing posts from 2011

Simi Garewal to stress test Indian nuke sites

Its official, the Indian government has approached fossil nanny Simi Garewal to stress test Indian nuclear installations.

Sources in the Department of Atomic Energy (DAE) have confirmed a rumour we heard the other day regarding deployment of a radiation emitting fossil to test the safety standards of our nuclear installations.

“The decision was made at an emergency meeting convened in November. DAE officials unanimously passed a resolution asking the Indian government to use Simi Garewal to do a through test of various safety parameters at Indian nuclear plants, in wake of what happened at Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant. The Indian government gave its nod to the proposal last week,” our source said.  

So why Simi? “First of all she is the oldest living fossil with Radio carbon studies showing her to be atleast 3000 years old. Simi emits radiation due to some embedded nuclear reactions that are taking place inside her. She emits various ionising radiations and charged particle…

Aishwarya Rai’s first hubby to launch matrimonial site for trees

The mostly forgotten first husband of new mommy Aishwarya Rai Ficus Bachchan is planning to launch a website that will help people find their botanical better halves.

Not many people know that the serial entrepreneur Ficus is the first legally wedded husband of former Miss World Aishwarya Rai. The two had gotten married after a breezy fairy tale romance few years back. But alas, within a few days of getting married, Aish called off the marriage and declined to even meet her then hubby. Ficus was not given any explanation and was asked to ‘forget the lady for his own good’.

A disappointed Ficus who felt left in the lurch did feel sad and dejected for a few days till he met a new partner who helped him survive the setback. Today, Ficus who is a changed tree wants to help others who are facing a similar predicament. Ficus has tied up VC funding to start a new website for people who want to marry botanical specimens or trees who want to marry human beings. The site tentatively christene…

After banana and cucumber, walnut gets cleric’s goat

A fatwa has been issued by a leading moth bitten mullah against eating walnuts as it resembles human brain.
An unnamed European Islamic cleric has issued a fatwa against eating walnuts. His contention is that the nut resembles human brain and that induces an inferiority complex in the Jurassic mullah community, since many of them do not posses one.    

“Walnuts should not be eaten. Their consumption is against humanity. This fatwah should remind one and all that brain is not an organ to be used. It is just an appendage and one must just ignore it. We therefore urge all to ignore walnuts and this ladies and gentlemen is the fatwah of the year. Anyone who ignores or disobeys this fatwah will be excommunicated from our community and will not be allowed to come within 100 mts of a desert rat certified mullah. In case of any clarification, we urge you to get in touch with our 24X7 mullah helpline or meet us in Peshawar over the next two weeks or sit on a raw cactus for 2 hours,” the mulla…

Good bye 2011...

Looking back at 2011...for the last time...

Kim Jong’s Pokémon Long Johns go missing

North Koreans who were upset with the passing away of their ‘Dear Leader’ have one more reason to be upset.

According to reports trickling in from Pyongyang, North Korean dictator Kim Jong’s Pokémon long johns have gone missing. According to sources, the kacchas, symbolic of the dictator and his fashion-deficient rule, went missing at about 8 am North Korea time on Monday morning. A close aide of the late leader reported that he was unable to trace the garment after it was hung for drying by the late dictator (when he was alive) in the wee hours of Sunday morning after a flash flood hit the nation’s capital.

“It is with great sorrow that the nation of North Korea announces the disappearance of our dear leader’s symbolic Pokémon long johns. On one hand we are dealing with the departure of our beloved leader and on the other we now have to come to terms with a missing piece of history that connects us with the noble one. The imperialistic zealots who are jealous of the progress made by…

Chidambaram in trouble...


Sibal Vs Netizens...


RBI intervenes to stem Rupee free fall; ropes in actor Vidya Balan

Its official, Vidya Balan will help the Reserve Bank of India prop up the Rupee. A decision to this effect was taken at a high level meeting of RBI, Planning Commission and Finance ministry officials chaired by union finance minister Pranab Mukherjee in the national capital today.

Humor Unplugged has learnt that at the meeting, RBI moved a proposal to have actor Vidya Balan’s image in various poses on currency notes of higher denomination. The actor, who has apparently agreed to the proposal, will pose provocatively as she did for her last Bollywood flick, The Dirty Picture. These pics will then appear on 100, 500 and 1000 Rupee notes and the government will run a lucky draw through which people buying over a lakh worth of INR from currency markets will be asked to submit proof of purchase online and get an 8 digit code for participating in the draw.

“RBI has acted in national interest and we have intervened to stem further erosion of investor confidence in our economy. Vidyaji’s pr…

Time magazine commits fraud...


Musical potholes in Bangalore soon

After naming potholes after politicians, Bangalore is now undertaking a major exercise to refurbish city’s potholes and turn them into works of entertainment. As part of this strategy, over 13000 potholes in the heart of the city will soon turn musical complete with laser light show and synchronized fountains.    

The project is the brainchild of Bangalore Development Authority (BDA). As of now, over 200 potholes have already been fitted with fountains and musical lights and the figure is expected to go up to 350 by this year end. In a typical fountain in a pothole the water rises up to 3 meters in the air in synchronization with the music that is controlled by an application. It is programmed to produce 126 variations in the fountain.

“The mechanism is simple. The fountain is triggered by a passing vehicle. Every time a vehicle goes into a pothole, the trigger gets activated and the fountain gets into countdown mode and a stream of water comes out after 6 seconds in full swing (aft…

RIP Mario Miranda...


The great Indian eclipse


Sibal agonized by ‘morphed’ free speech pic, vows action

In a major setback to union anti-free speech minister Kapil Sibal, pics of him sporting a pro free speech tee appeared on major blogs across the nation on Thursday evening. The pic was allegedly taken when the minister was in college over 400 years ago and is now floating around on the internet.

“I am agonized. This is what I was speaking against the other day. I mean can’t you see that it is a morphed pic? I have never worn such t shirts in my life and besides who is that chick behind me? What’s her story? I have had enough of these bloggers fooling around with important personalities for increasing their alexa ranking. I am cracking the whip. By tomorrow evening, if these two penny bloggers don’t pull down the pic, I will make sure that Diggi visits each one and gives them a piece of his mind,” an angry Sibal said.

Sibal said that if that too doesn’t work, the government will consider shutting down broadband access in the country to non-corporate users. “They didn’t have to take th…

Calvin and Hobbes in - Do politicians have common sense?


The Guide bids adieu...


Flash mobs and marriages will soon be common in Indian parliament

Humor Unplugged has learnt that the Indian parliament will soon allow citizens to do flash mob acts and get married on the floor of both houses.

The entire winter session of parliament has been a complete washout with MPs coming in swiping their cards, creating a din and going back home without the house transacting any business. It is almost like a more organized flash mob. So now the government has decided to consider a proposal by some academicians to allow non-political flash mobs to assemble inside parliament for a decent monetary consideration.

Sources in the planning commission have told Humor Unplugged that a proposal was being actively considered to turn parliament into a revenue generating asset for the government. “Suppose you want to organize a concert, or a ballet or drama or even a party, we can let the house out provided you are ready to shell out money at market rates. The way we see it, MPs do not want to work so why should they come all the way with their beacon mo…

Exclusive finding: Cavemen's Facebook evolved 10,000 years ago

In a major find, a team of paleoanthropologist Dr. Hammerschmidst has found definite evidence of cavemen updating their status on public forums.

According to the team's findings, cavemen used to constantly scribble doodles, which were quite different from the usual ones seen inside caves around the world. “These status update doodles highlighted recent events in the caveman’s life, such as successful hunt or were random ones signifying a disguised attempt at grabbing attention. The intention was to share information on events in their lives with rest of the cavemen community who would chisel a dot to indicate a ‘like’ or a dash to indicate disapproval much like what some people do on Facebook today and that is what fascinates me and my team. I mean nothing has changed in over 10000 years,” Hammerschmidst told Humor Unplugged over a Skype chat.

Hammerschmidst's analysis reveals that there were public caves quite distinct from private ones where such paintings were allowed. &q…

Other not so well known FDIs

All kinds of people are saying all kinds of things against FDI in retail. Thought retail FDI is well known, its equally controversial cousins are not so well known.

Humor Unplugged has collated a list of other relatively unknown FDIs..

US in Pakistan – Foreign Direct InvasionChina across LAC - Foreign Direct IntrusionMahesh Bhatt in Big Boss – Foreign Direct Irritant Kingfisher - Forged Dud InvestmentiPhone 4s pricing in India - Foreign Direct IgnorancePakistan granting MFN status to India - Foreign Direct InsecurityAlive Ajmal Kasab - Foreign Direct Irony  Insecure China at Bali Summit – Foreign Direct Insecurity Slap on Pawar - Fearless Direct Investment   Slap on Karunanidhi - Favorable Direct Investment   Sunny Leone - Fizzing Direct Investment 

Calvin and Hobbes in Pakistan opposes FDI


Sharad Pawar embraces rock post-slapgate

Sharad Pawar, union agriculture minister, has turned a new leaf or so he would like us to believe.
The 'inflation champ' has claimed that the recent slap he received from Harvinder Singh has transformed him and made him aware of certain realities he was hitherto ignorant of. In an exclusive skype chat with Humor Unplugged he claimed that the slap made him realize the suffering of the common man and that he had decided to turn rebel now.

“The slap was my rockstar moment. It changed everything for me. Earlier I could not see why people had to create a scene over rising prices. Now I am able to identify with them and have turned to rock music to express my feelings. I am turning into a state rebel and I will be a constitutional rockstar operating within the purview of the Indian constitution to resolve people’s problems especially with respect to inflation,” Pawar said adding a smiley.

According to sources close to Pawar, when he came home on that eventful day, Pawar threw all …

Too early to cry: Sharad Pawar

Sharad Pawar who was slapped by a known ‘assailant’, today evening, has told Humor Unplugged that he will not cry so soon, since the matter is sub-judice and he does not want to react as of now.     
“I will cry at an appropriate time. Right now my cheek which has some reptilian tissue embedded there after my last operation is comfortably numb. So there is no need to cry. Besides, it takes a while for my mind to register pain and suffering of all types. And thank god it is me; if it was someone else’s pain, it would have taken me atleast 10 years to empathize and that probably is why I don’t understand what this fuss about inflation and price rise is all about” Pawar said.
“The matter is sub-judice and that is one excuse I am quoting in the media for not reacting as of now,” he added.  Pawar denied that he had to use the restroom after the attack. "I just had to briefly visit a nearby field for official reasons. But I didnt use the restroom," he said.

The exclusive video of…

Calvin in 'The sin of good times'


iPhone 4s pricing, Advani to go on a mini rath yatra

The BJP patriarch is clearly miffed with Apple over 4s pricing.

L K Advani, fresh from an all-expenses paid national vacation, has threatened to go on another instalment of his patented Rath Yatra unless Apple revises the prices of iPhone 4s phones in India. It may be remembered that Apple had launched 4S at almost twice its international price here and the rationale behind the move is still unclear.

Aiming clearly at the country’s youth who are very angry with Apple, Advani stated that his yatra threat will force Apple to reduce prices and bring them on par with international rates. “Such discrimination is in clear violation of established international business practices and will hurt the Indian youth. We are therefore against such irrational pricing and the matter will be raised in the parliament. We will not let both houses function unless the government provides a satisfactory reply on the issue,” Advani said.

"A 16GB iPhone at Rs 44,500? While the 32 GB variant at 50,900?…

India TV posts a healthy quarter

The channel which is quite popular among those who don’t watch it published its quarterly figures for the first time ever.

India TV, India’s only 24X7 humor channel has reported a healthy quarter driven largely by a 26 percent increase in bogus content. Speaking exclusively to news starved Humor Unplugged, India TV Chief Excesses Officer (CEO) Rajat Sharma said “We have increased our viewership by 1 person in the quarter gone by. While 20 people (from India TV office in Mumbai) watched the channel in the quarter ending June, a vendor who sells vegetables near our office was forced to watch the channel last month by our staff. We are also holding talks with over 20 prisons across the nation to see if the can show our channel to the prisoners as part of their punishment”.

Here are India TV’s figures for the July, August and Sept quarter
Number of bogus cooked up stories 867 (up 26 percent Q-o-Q) Number of noisy irritating loony anchors 27 (up 3) Viewership 21 (up 1)Number of government w…

Simi Garewal files suit against Arnab Goswami and Rajdeep Sardesai

Last week, a delegation of Indian print and television journalists visited Egypt to study the post-Jasmine revolution scene there. But little did the scribes know that the trip would turn out to be an interesting one for reasons other than democracy.

On their day off, the delegation paid a visit to the Egyptian museum in Cairo. While viewing one of the dilapidated mummies (damaged by vandals during the recent turbulence), Arnab’s sense of humor got the better of him. Seeing the mummy of Queen Hatshepsut, Arnab remarked “If I didn’t know any better, I would have said this mummy looks quite young and well preserved. I know a mummy who is in worse shape back home.” A puzzled museum curator, who was acting as guide to the delegation, argued that the mummies in his museum were the oldest and there were no older mummies, anywhere in the world.

Arnab however started laughing uncontrollably when he heard that statement and looked at the curator and asked with a straight face “haven’t you hea…

Facebook to introduce new frisking feature

Receiving friend requests from unknown people? No need to panic,  Facebook has everything under control.

Inspired by the recent instance of former Indian president Dr. A P J Abdul Kalam being frisked, Facebook has decided to introduce an online frisking application that would allow users to do a complete background check on folks sending them a friend request. This feature is specially designed to deter users who are turning Facebook into Orkut by sending friendship requests to all and sundry.

“Yes, the feature will be launched soon. When we heard what happened to your former president and we were wondering – if this could happen to someone so well-known and admired, we should definitely use it against people who want to convert Facebook into a spam service. That is why we launched a beta version of the feature last week and testing is still on,” a FB employee said on condition of anonymity.

The frisking feature will allow users to do a thorough check on people sending friend request…

Harbhajan Singh and Sreesanth demand bailout package

After Vijay Mallya demanded a bailout package for his fledgling airline, slap twins Harbhajan Singh and Sreesanth came together to ask the Indian government to extend a similar package for them too.

In what could be termed as an attempt at drawing media attention to their shaky careers, the Team India discards Harbhajan Singh and Sreesanth met union sports minister Ajay Maken and asked him to use his influence to extend a bailout package for the duo. In an hour long meeting with the minister, the twins requested him to pressurize the BCCI to take them in the Indian team under some quota and allow them to play for the country.

According to sources, the duo made a passionate plea to the minister. Sreesanth claimed that many pubs in Bangalore had put him on a ‘cash and carry’ mode, as he didn’t have enough money with him. He also blamed his plight on double digit inflation and rising beer prices across the country. “They (the pubs) are denying me access to all forms of credit because I …

Calvin on tax free agro income


Congress labs launches Diggi on i-pad

New app will help user dish out a range of excuses and bullcrap to divert attention from a crisis.

Congress Labs, Congress’ self-described technology playground, has launched a ‘Diggi’ application available on i-phones and i-pads to help users tap Diggi’s twisted brain to derive excuses and ideas to divert attention from all kinds of  problems. The app, based on over a decade of Diggi research, is now available for free download from the party’s website.

“This indeed opens up a new frontier for us. For over a year we have been flooded with requests from employees, contractors, international leaders and even nerds for developing an application that harnesses the power of Diggi to bull$hit 24X7. It can also integrate with popular email platforms such as Gmail, Hotmail etc to help people create bullcrap as you type,” said Chavvani Lal, project lead with Congress Labs.

Diggi’s Chacha's (as he is fondly called in Congress circles) diversionary powers are legendary and opposition partie…

China to honor fossils manning the Indian censor board over Tibet

Chinese government is extremely pleased with the censor board’s decision to ask producers of Rockstar to blur images of Tibetan flag in the movie.

A senior leader of China's ruling Communist party on Monday morning announced that his government will honor the Indian censor board for furthering the fledgling cause of the insecure communist republic's hegemonic ambitions. It may be remembered that the censor board had recently objected to certain scenes concerning Tibet in the yet-to-be-released movie Rockstar and asked producers to edit or remove them.

Yukk Thoo Chin, senior Culture Council Secretary General, said “the Indian censor board has demonstrated maturity and intelligence beyond the call of duty by identifying with the cause of our nation. We are indeed grateful to these (censor board) officials who will soon be inducted as honorable members of the communist party of China. They will also be allowed to import free melamine contaminated milk and lead contaminated toys …

Intelligent chimpanzee rejects offer to write sequel

25-year old Panzee feels “there is no challenge in there”

Panzee is an extraordinary chimp. She is well educated, can understand English words and even has a dedicated community page on Facebook, which she updates frequently. She has been trained by none other than noted anthropologist and animal lover Dr. Hammerschmidst. She is a model chimp and is an inspiration to many of her kind.

Humor Unplugged has learnt that actor Shah Rukh Khan’s production house, on the lookout for a writer and an interesting script for sequel decided to give Panzee a try. Last Friday Shah Rukh flew down to Vancouver with a proposal for Panzee. The leading Bollywood actor hosted a special screening of exclusively for Panzee. But the movie didn’t impress the creatively inclined chimp one bit.

“Panzee is already in talks with leading Hollywood production houses but wanted to explore all options and that is why she invited Shah Rukh home for discussion. But when she saw, Panzee was quite …

Baba Ramdev meets Simi Garewal

Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which determines which secret garden we will tend with the stock of Botox so generously showered on you by nature...with that thought I, Simi Garewal welcome you to yet another episode of India’s Most Desirable. Let me see who has been threatened and coerced into joining me on my show, this week.
Baba Ramdev walks in
Simi: Who the hell let you in? Who are you and more importantly, what are you?  Helpppp!! Guards…security… some alien has entered the studio…
BR: Do not panic oh fossil. It’s me Baba Ramdev. Now take a deep breath, breathe in purity and let out all black money hidden inside your body. Lady, you need to understand the balance between forces in nature.

Simi: what language is this? And look at you…you look like a bear wearing a salwar. What brings you here?  
BR: I speak the language of the common man. Someone told me there is a 3000 year old monument here. I wa…

Pakistan test fires tea stall missile

In a bid to intimidate its ‘enemy’ Pakistan has come up with a unique missile that can be launched from a local beverage stall.

The missile (Beta name: Ahmek-e-Haqqani) was tested fired in the presence of Pakistan army hierarchy on Friday at an undisclosed location in Baluchistan. Humor Unplugged, one of the few blogs which was present at the launch was quite impressed by the missile which can travel a distance of over 2 kms and create a fog thick enough to allow the Pak armymen to retreat in a hurry.

“God willing this missile will give us enough time to go back to safety and chill while the enemy is at our doorstep. Since we have many tea vending machines and stalls within our formations, it is an ideal fire and run,” a senior Pak army officer said.

Former Pak army chief Gen Parvez Musharraf, who was hiding in a laundry basket in his exile home in London said “this is a perfect counterbalance to India’s cold start strategy. One minute we will be sipping tea and the next minute we wi…

Tussauds withdraws Kareena Kapoor’s wax statue in just 24 hours

The ‘talented’ actress was apparently unhappy with the way her wax statue turned out.

Humor Unplugged has been told by sources in the Madame Tussauds museum that Kareena’s recently unveiled statue has been pulled back for ‘modifications’. Here is the full story.

When the statue was unveiled on Thursday, the actress was all smiles and called the statue a 'unmatched honor for Indian cinema'. But that apparently was the proverbial fake smile before the storm.

Everything was fine till the actress had a cursory glance at the statue's bottom. Within no time she flew off the handle and threw a sized tantrum, scaring the wits out of visitors and media folk. Noted producer-director-mumbler Yash Chopra who was at the museum tried to calm the actress by offering her a item number in one of his upcoming movies. But when Kareena heard that she would not be paid for it, she created a even bigger din. Left with no option, the museum management agreed and asked the national award …

Intruding F1 stray dogs were protesting corporate apathy

India’s grand entry into Formula One was delayed on Friday when stray dogs interrupted the first-ever practice session at Buddh International Circuit.

So why exactly did the stray dogs do a China and intrude into the $400 million track? When Humor Unplugged contacted a spokesperson for the Straydogs Union of India (SuI) he claimed that the intrusion was in protest against the Jaypee Group showing extraordinary levels of discrimination against stray mongrels in the vicinity of the f1 track. The stray dogs were apparently inspired by the Occupy Wall Street movement in the US and wanted to do something similar to draw attention to their plight.

“Let them go and check the Bangalore International Airport where the management treats us better than passengers who pay. Thats the kind of treatment we are looking at. BIAL should be a role model for all such projects in the country. No company should treat us as second class citizens just because no one goes on fast for us. They should remember…

Funny ads

From Indian Railways to Samsung...everyone is singing only one Here are a few ads used by companies seeking to hitch a ride on the brandwagon...

The question is asking is whoever came up with these ads???