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Showing posts from August, 2010

Match fixing scam: Pakistan wants more evidence

Continuing with its trademark belligerence, Pakistan today asked the Scotland Yard to provide more evidence to it in the match fixing scam. This was communicated to Scotland Yard by Pakistani interior minister Rehman Malik in an email sent on Tuesday. In that email Malik has stated that the evidence presented so far was “absolutely sketchy” and Pakistan wanted to make sure that its players were certified match fixers before it acts against them.

“We need more evidence. Be it 26-11 or our role in promoting international terrorism, we need everyone to provide us at least one train-load of evidence before we start acting at least in a sluggish manner. Eitherway, once our courts are seized of the matter the players will go scot free even before we reject the next tranche of aid offered by India. We have already asked the tainted players to get the same loud mouth lawyer who had successfully defended Zaki ur Rehman Lakhvi in the 26-11 case,” Malik told News of the Blurred in an exclusive …

Sangakkara to open a noball institute for players; Pakistan to chip in with match fixing expertise

Disgraced Sri Lankan captain and world’s top whiner Sangakkara has decided to open a institute for training players to ball Noballs and whine like him. The institute, to come up in Colombo, will help players spot fix matches with ease by bowling noballs, wides or byes to ensure that live up to the commitment made to a bookie. Sangakkara has named the institute Sangakkara Institute of Noball Sciences (SINs)

“Don’t be fooled by the name of the institute like you journos often do. This institute will cover all forms of match and spot fixing and will feature the expertise of match fixing gods such as Salim Mailk, Kamran Khatmal and Salman Butt, alongside me. I will also teach kids how to whine when things don’t go your way,” said Sangakkara. 

“Sri Lanka has tremendous experience in chucking, bowling noballs and then whining like there is no tomorrow. That’s what we bring to the table – the Pakistanis will bring their spot and match fixing skills and together we will rock the world of cri…

Direct flood aid through bookies and Lashkar: Pak to India

Indicating its reluctance to accept Indian aid to help its flood ravaged citizens, Pakistan has asked India to route its aid through Pak-approved bookies and dreaded terror group Lashkar-e-Toe-iba. This decision was screamed to India by Pakistan’s loud mouth foreign minister Shah Mehmmod Qureshi from Islamabad on Friday evening.

“We have handed over the names of a few of our bookies who are currently working with our national cricket team in England to fix matches in addition to our favorite terror group Lashkar-e-Toe-iba. These entities will take Indian aid money and route it to our flood relief camps. I don’t want to accept Indian money and if it means a few thousands of our citizens will die due to lack of food and shelter, then be it and we are not bothered. Our ego is bigger than the lives of our citizens. Also, if India wants to give us aid, we will accept it on our terms and they have to agree,” a comically belligerent Qureshi told Humor Unplugged over a chat yesterday.    

Hu…

Images for the week gone by...a room with a view...

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Ajmal Kasab gets UID, will star in TV shows

Ajmal Amir Kasab the lone surviving 26-11 terrorist from Pakistan will be among the first recipients of the Unique Identification number or UID number. A decision to this effect was taken by the Indian government on Friday evening and the same was communicated by our moles in the home ministry to India’s favorite blog Humor Unplugged. The UID will be conferred on him at a special ceremony to be held in Mumbai in November.

The government it seems has made up its mind to keep the terrorist alive and has lost all interest in hanging him. “Hang him?? Do you speaka English? Why should we do that? We will keep him here as long as possible and let him die of natural causes or till Pakistani terrorists highjack a Indian aircraft and force us to release him. We have also allowed him to contest the next elections and the parliament is already filled with people like him and he will feel at home there,” Indian home minister P Chidambaram told Humor Unplugged.

To star in a reality showA major en…

The biggest diaper whiner in the world

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What if Pukistan had snatched whole of J&K in 1947?

Lets go back in history and imagine if Pakistani terrorists had managed to annex whole of Jammu and Kashmir. What would the state have looked like today? Here is a 98 percent accurate picture:

• Pakistani cronies would have given away 3\4ths of J&K to China
• Minorities in Jammu and Ladakh would have been wiped out
• A nuclear weapon testing facility would have come up in Leh
• Pak would have commenced ethnic cleansing to reduce the population of Kashmiris (ala what happened in Bangladesh in the 70s) 
• Mulllah rule would have prevailed in large parts of the state with terrorism turning into its prime export commodity
• 65 percent of J&K’s population would comprise Punjabis
• A quarter of the state’s territory would include highways and rail tracks connecting Pakistan with China    
• A GHQ owned and operated military puppet would have ruled the state with an iron grip
• Persecution of shias would have reduced the population of this community in the state
• Osama would …

Images for the week gone by..The shoe arriveth with the superbug

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Throw a shoe at your local MP

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New salary structure of our beloved MPs

This week, the Indian parliament passed a bill hiking the pay of the underpaid members of both houses. Humor Unplugged has learnt that this hike will be distributed across a series of new heads which will be added to the existing ones. The heads, suggested by the Khuswant Singh committee, will appear in the salary slips of our honorable MPs beginning August, 2010.

Here are the new heads that have been added:

a) Drama allowance – we all hate mundane debates in parliament. More often than not, such debates only help the insomniac citizen out there. This allowance is to help members enact more drama in parliament by doing things like tearing papers, thrashing fellow members, displaying wades of currency notes or anything that will spice up parliamentary debates
b) Shoe avoidance allowance – for members to insure their dignity, since all members are vulnerable to shoe attacks
c) Media debate allowance – for honorable members to present themselves in dignified attires in case they are ca…

Sri lankan captain Sangakkara's whining DVD released; Twitter opens new channel

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The Sri Lankan cricket board in association with 20th Century Fox has released a DVD covering the whining exploits of Lankan captain Kumara Sangakkara. The limited edition DVDs will be available only in South Asia and will showcase the whining ways of the Lankan skipper in a way the world not seen before.

After the recent ‘No Ball’ controversy, Sangakkara had turned on his whining charms in a big way to impress upon the world that he had no role in the whole controversy. Throughout the episode, the Lankan captain had whined about everything from Sehwag’s tweets to the weather. He had gone as far ahead as to claim that the Indian cricket board was ruining cricket in the island nation by paying players exorbitant amounts to play in IPL. “I wouldn’t have taken the money and played in IPL if it weren’t for the Indian board arm twisting the fair playing Lankan players into playing in the series. We are not for sale and play to enjoy the game and whine like babies when things go wrong. It a…

China deploys CSS-5 missiles on India border, India mobilizes Mayawati

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China, according to Pentagon sources, has moved its new advanced long range CSS-5 missiles close to its border with India. It has also developed plans to mobilize its air force at a short notice in the event of hostilities breaking out between India and China. Our respected defense minister meanwhile has assured all Indians that the country was more than prepared to meet any threats from China or any bigger or meaner nation.

“We have nothing to worry about. The moment they (Peoples Liberation Army) move in, the chief of Common Wealth Games Organizing Committee Mr Suresh Kalmadi will welcome them with an inflated bill of USD 1254 billion to cover invasion costs. Further, we have asked UP CM Mayawati to work from the India-China border for a while. She is our most potent weapon and we have asked her to face China for a while. In case China even tries to eye our land, Mayawati will walk across to China and give them a piece of her mind,” said defense minister A K Anthony.

China meanwhile…

Pranab Mukherjee loses his cool

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Bangalore to host Global Power Cut meet

Adding another feather to its tiny little hat, Bangalore, the IT capital of India has now earned the distinction of being the ‘power cut capital’ of the world.

Bangalore, today, offers many a surprise to the rare and discerning power cut lover. There are 10 hour power cuts for those candle light dinners, family get togethers and a bit of star gazing at night. In case one wants more power cuts, he or she can just walk across to the nearest office of the power supplier and file an application for more. The city cuts power at the drop of a hat and sometimes the local power agency BEASTCOM even teases Bangalore citizens with 3 minute power supplies in between power cuts to fool them into thinking that power is back.

“We are very proud of the power situation in Karnataka. It is the only state in the country where everyone right from the chairman to the local lineman is empowered to cut power. In fact earlier we used to seek excuses like poor rains, soggy coal etc to justify power cuts an…

Superbug was a reference to Suresh Kalmadi: British Scientists

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British scientists have clarified that the ‘superbug’ mentioned in the medical journal, The Lancet, is actually none other than the chairman of the Common Wealth Games Organizing Committee Suresh Kalmadi.  The clarification came in an addendum to the report published by a group of UK scientists today morning.

“Yes, we would wish to clarify our position once and for all. There is no superbug. It is just that Kumarswamy Kartikan, the co author of the report was too engrossed in a report on corruption in the Common Wealth Games and got carried away. When he returned to his laptop, he created the story of a drug resistant superbug, which originally was none other than Suresh Kalmadi, who according to Kartikan was resistant to accountability, morality and ethics. We are currently investigating the incident to ascertain how this story made its way into the report and got published. The superbug in reality represents a figment of Kartikan’s pathetic imagination” a press note issued by the jo…

Shera’s personal life rocks parliament; Oppn demands action

The animated personal and unethical professional life of Shera, the disgraced former mascot of Common Wealth Games, caught the attention of Indian parliament this week. Members, cutting across party lines attacked the mascot’s alleged transgressions and urged the government to do more to bring the rogue ‘tiger’ to justice.

Raising the issue during the sub zero hour, commie MP Buddhadebt Bhattacharya said “Sheru’s behavior has brought shame and ignominy to the tiger population of this country. He has done well to emulate his CWG-OC masters and Mel Gibson and I have no qualms in admitting that he has done irreparable damage to the image of tigers in India that too at a time when there is renewed focus on conserving them”.

Another MP from the Janata Dull (TBC) blamed the increasing proliferation of foreign movie channels for the wayward behavior of mascots.  “In the good old days when we had only Doordarshan and its Rukhawat key liey khed hai movies, we had morally upright mascots like A…

Attrition is hurting us: Taliban

Taliban Chief Execution Officer Mullah Somar has admitted that attrition was becoming a major concern for his organization. Mullah Somar was addressing a press conference arranged by Pakistani army in a remote corner of Bajagur in Pakistan on Tuesday.

“Many of our boys have been poached by other terrorist organizations in Pakistan and some of them have even joined the Pakistani army. This doesn’t auger well for us and the board has taken a serious note of the whole issue and we will be doing something to stem the attrition at the earliest,” Somar said. Taliban, according to sources, has given a 20 percent over the board hike to its cadres a few days back in a move designed to retain key terror professionals.

According to Pakistani government sources, attrition in Taliban has touched an all time high of 30 percent in the last quarter. Trained in money laundering, gun running, drug smuggling and cross border and in-country terrorism, Talibani terrorists are much sought after resources …

More trouble for Shera, ex accuses him of causing mental harrasment

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Shera, the former mascot of the Common Wealth Games, 2010 has been accused by his former girlfriend of causing mental agony and pain to her over the last few days. Zita has alleged that Shera was stalking her and trying to come close to her on one pretext or other to disturb her.  

Zita, the mascot of a college football team in the US, and Shera have been seeing each other for the past 4 years. The pair parted ways recently after Shera was caught in a money laundering scandal, first reported by Humor Unplugged.

Sources close to Zita have confirmed the episode and said that she has filed a case against Shera in a Delhi police station and the cops are investigating. “Shera has been texting her non stop over the past two days and threatening to join circus or migrate to China, if Zita doesn’t  agree to meet him soon. He (Shera) turned up outside her room in a drunk state and created a nuisance yesterday evening and we had to call in our henchmen to have him removed from the hotel. I hop…

Images for the week gone by..its all about the common wealth games

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Horror of horrors – CWG mascot Shera accused of corruption, resigns

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In what has been termed in the blogging circles as the equivalent of a ‘page not found’ error, Commonwealth Games mascot Shera has been linked to a money laundering scam that surfaced in the UK a day back. In wake of the allegations, a distraught Shera tendered his resignation yesterday evening, moving the already fledgling games towards more anarchy.

hen the day began, no one could have predicted the sequence of events that followed. At the news pit at Humor Unplugged, correspondents were preparing for a normal CWG day, filled with corruption, nepotism, leaky stadiums and 23 percent free commission. However as soon as news reports started trickling in about Shera’s unauthorized transgression it became clear that CWG’s  last citadel untouched by the plague of corruption had fallen.  

Shera, according to a report published in a major newspaper, has been named by the UK police in a money laundering scam in UK. Shera is alleged to have spent over 1,00,000 pounds in a drinking binge over …

DRDO develops autorickshaw helicopter

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DRDO strikes back. After a embarrassingly funny post on DRDO appeared on the front page of Humor Unplugged yesterday, the Defense Research and Development Organization came back with a strong response. India’s very own defense research white elephant has claimed that it has developed a kit that can be used to convert an ordinary autorickshaw into a combat ready helicopter.

DRDO unveiled the kit and a ‘autochopper’ at an exhibition organized in New Delhi today morning, much to the surprise of many a mediaperson. Humor Unplugged’s New Delhi correspondent Doorknob Goatswami, who was having his breakfast when he got a call from none other than DRDO chief V Saraswat to come to the venue, rushed without finishing his oatmeal only to be stunned by what he saw--an sleek autochopper waiting to be photographed by eager mediafolks.


DRDO claims that the autochopper can fly in almost any terrain and comes with a tamper proof GPS-based meter, so that autochopper pilots don’t overcharge defense pe…

Daydreaming with DRDO: a must read

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Move aside Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker, DRDO is trying to develop its own set of Star Wars-like weapons. From laser dazzlers to control rioting crowds to high-powered lasers to destroy incoming missiles, DRDO is working on a slew of directed energy weapons (DEWs).” No sooner had Defense Research and Development organization chief V K Saraswat said this, the entire gathering at a media meet burst into peels of laughter. Some of them had to be physically removed from the venue as they were unable to control their laughter.

Saraswat went on to entertain the gathering with a few more gems like “The aim is to develop laser-based weapons, deployed on airborne as well as seaborne platforms, which can intercept missiles soon after they are launched towards India in the boost phase itself”. No wonder many experienced defense journos did not bother to attend the press meet; instead, a few bored bloggers turned up to kill time and witness kite flying by top DRDO honchos.

Saraswat also releas…

Now thats a real problem

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In a country obsessed with mileage, there are people who have 'real' problems