Showing posts from August, 2009

Recession is still on

The IMF says recession is over…but we beg to differ..heres what tells us that recession is still on:

• People have started inslling coolers and fans instead of AC in their cars
• People are refusing to throw shoes, even at people who they genuinely hate
• The amount of cotton in “cotton rich” shirts has fallen below the poverty percent (10.3 percent) for the first time since god knows when
• People are taking loans to purchase hand sanitizers
• The Sultan of Brunei has decided to reduce the number of wives he has (they are unmaintainable he says)
• Some celebs have asked Twitter to pay them for their tweets
• Companies are still making employees adhere to their dress code
• Chinese incursions into Indian territory have decreased as they are unable to foot the fuel bill
• Many cruise ships are being turned into oil tankers
• Political leaders and businessmen are fighting it out in the press to get some free media mileage
• Times now has snatched Arnab’s pen..he is now poking the audience us…

Why so much hullaballoo about Jinnah, when:

Emran Hashmi is more famous than him in India
More people know Hafiz Sayeed than him, globally
He wanted to die in Mumbai…just like so many Pakistani terrorists
If he was alive today, he would have found a place in the Madam Tussaud’s (no need for a dummy here)
They wouldn’t have allowed him into the US
Mayawathi could easily challenge him in the area of leadership skills
In the days of british rule, leaders like him were a dime a dozen
His movie couldn’t even bag a razzie
Even Mahesh Bhatt refuses to make a movie on him

Government mulling taking over BJP

In a shocking move the Indian government has indicated that it may take over ailing right wing nationalist Bharatiya Janata Party.

Speaking to the media after a customary chai paani session, parliamentary affairs minister Chavvani lal said that the nation was tied of BJP leaders washing their dirty linen in public and hogging precious airtime on national channels. “These guys are worse than the inmates of the big brother’s house or those psycos who appear on those weird MTV reality shows. Besides hurting national sentiments, these guys are also hurting kids’ sentiments by dragging in icons like Humpty Dumpty and Alice and the government does not like that,” he said.

Some citizens seem to share the sentiment expressed by Chavvani. “I have two warring BJP leaders on my friends list on facebook and one day I saw 78 alerts. When I checked I found that the two had started a fight on my wall. They had slugged it out using unbloggable terms and one of them had posted a morphed picture of the…

Musharaf on fudge ka samna

Gen Parvez Musharaf, is a man who likes to live it up. He has seen almost all defeats that the pak army has endured except the first one in 1948. This is a transcript from a game show that Mush had attended recently. Faced with many embarrassing questions, Mush managed to brave it all and probably for the first time in his life was forced to tell the truth. So heres Musharraf on Fudge Ka Samna…(the Pak version of Sach ka Samna)

Note: the responses in italics represent a lie.

Quest: Is it true that you cannot count beyond 5?
Mush: true

Question: Have you ever been thrashed black and blue by your wife?
Mush: true

Question: is it true that you were a big time bragger during your college years?
Mush: true

Quest: Have you ever tried to kill a civilian leader of Pakistan
Mush: yes

Quest: Have you ever done house hold chores for a foreign head of state?
Mush: So many times

Quest: You are not able to sleep without your favorite Pokimon soft toy. True or false?
Mush: true

Next level

Quest: You ha…

Funny images for the week gone by

"Mayawathiji...are you in there?" The UP CM's PA frantically searches for his boss..after she went jogging early morning.

The new mask to prevent swine flu built by useless as a Mayawathi statue. This one is meant to scare the virus away.

Museum of horrors - a museum dedicated to recession

Who says aliens dont live among us...?

Look who turned up to cheer Jaswant Singh

Afghan President Karzai casting his vote on "whos the greatest entertainer ever"...

Lewis Hamilton gives his thumbs up for the Harsha Bhogle hair treatment...The costly treatment involves drilling deep into the customer's scalp under zero gravity and planting hair saplings.

Shocking interview with Jaswant Singh

Jaswant Singh, the mole man is back…the guy who is ready to stoop to any level to sell his book, has dropped a new bomb. Our correspondent who met and questioned the man on not one but two occasions is now back to interview the dude whos stirred up a storm..yet again. This time he reveals shocking details on the Kandahar incident.

RS: The last time we met, you were caught serving opium to guests at some event at your house. Before that you were chasing imaginary moles in the PMO and now here you are with Jinnah…
JS: mumble…mumble..mumble…

RS: Sorry, forgot to put on my Jaswant transcriber…one minute. Yes, please continue.
JS: As I was saying, I am a guy with vivid imagination. I like to conjure up scenarios that never existed and mint money out of it. I mean at a broader level, I could have blogged about all this like that unknown guy from Bangalore. But then, I also need to make some moolah out of it and I don’t mind exploiting any one from moles to gophers to Jinnah- they are all the sa…

How to beat swine flu

India’s most practical health minister ever lines up a series of measures to defeat Swine flu.

• Improve the quality of content on television to keep people away from the streets
• Play Emran Hashmi’s movies in multiplexes and theaters to keep the crowds away
• Ask Mayawathi to go on a nationwide tour...that will keep people in their homes
• Ask ISPs to provide free broadband access for the next three months
• Permit PDAs (kocchie-kooing) in public places
• Bring those exploding Nokia batteries back…
• Make Celina Jetly the ambassador of those affected by the flu
• Make wearing masks compulsory just like helmets
• Declare “the Mask” as a educational movie
• Let Jaswant Singh write a book on Swine flu...the disease will simply die down then
• Make P Chidambaram the health minister

Whats in this week...

What’s in this week
The most active blogger in this part of the world tracks the latest trends….

Releasing trapped journalists. Several Clinton wannabes are scouting the globe for locating journalists trapped in countries run by tin pot dictators. The next step involves going on a paid vacation and getting the guys released.

Frisking American celebs: The Indian government has invited eligible singles to apply for a job that involves frisking American celebs (thoroughly). The government has already asked Emran Hashmi and Mahesh Bhatt to man the immigration counters to frisk, detain, question and harass US politicians when they visit India. These politicians will also be subjected to a movie marathon involving the two..

Chili bomb: filled with Bhut Jolakia chilies from Assam, these bombs will be used in parliament and legislative assemblies to calm agitating unruly politicians. It will also be used in malls and other public places to disperse mobs to prevent the spread of swine flu.

Swine f…

China's ambitious plans to spilt India

China, one of most hated and whining nations in the world, is never upto any good. From selling spurious cheap goods, toys laden with dangerous chemicals to poking its evil nose in the internal affairs of its neighbors, China has done all that and more. To add to that nation’s goodwill, it was found that china is actively pursuing a plan to destabilize and balkanize India. It has even appointed a commie to oversee the whole plan. Yukk Thoo Chin is man selected for the job. A self confessed weenie, Chin has been asked to finish the job by hook or crook. Our aggressive correspondent Arnab Ghostsawme met the man and asked him a few uncomfortable questions.

AG: China has set up a ministry to destabilize India? What will be next?

YC: That’s true and theres no next I want to finish this job off within my tenure. We are really afraid that India may soon develop strong leadership that will take on china head on even free Tibet and other restive provinces from us.
AG: And your fears are based on…

Funny images from the week gone by...

Pakistan Army has appointed a new spokesperson. The parrot named Capt.Rashid belongs to 10th Baluch Regiment. A decorated officer, he did an exceptional job denying Pakistani Army brutality in Baluchistan. Ask him any question he comes up with a strong denial and can hoodwink the media for hours together - just what the doc ordered for Pak army. Heres Capt Rashid flashing a 'V' sign after Pak media reported that some Pakistani troops were found hiding from Taliban in Bajaur...

The new uniform to keep swine flu away. Some IT organizations are now forcing their employees to wear such stuff to work.

"What did you say Bill did??" Asks an amused Hillary...when told that Bill was spotted with a aspiring intern in Las Vegas recently. Bill apparently had taken advantage of Hillary's Africa tour to give a few career tips to aspiring interns in Las Vegas...

The guy with the 'best job in the world' reacts angrily when asked to adhere to the dress code of his company..…

Swine flu demands facebook privileges

Social Whiners Enterprise Networking across Facebook, Linkedin and Orkut(SWINE Flu) has asked the government of India to introduce a chapter on facebook status of famous personalities. The demand was made by SWINE Flu national president Dr Tweet Facebooki in the national capital on Friday morning.

In an exclusive video posted on You Tube, Dr Facebooki urged the government to agree to this request at the earliest. “We have had leaders like Obama and Rahul Gandhi, who are doing a great job on facebook and twitter. I want all the kids to learn about their status messages. This could inspire them; in fact current affairs or GK should include questions on the Facebook profile of famous leaders,” he said.
Political leaders and self-professed academicians were however quick to dismiss the demand saying it was too immature to merit attention. “Which leader would like kids to answer questions on his personal life? I mean we have leaders whose only claim to fame is having multiple wives, see…

Unique way of harrasing employees

The government of India has issued a stern warning to private companies that are imposing various forms of harassment on their employees during these adverse times. This blogger has learnt that the government is actively considering a series of measures to protect employee interests and to prevent them from being harassed at their workplaces.

“We have learnt that some companies have started imposing dress code on their employees and are harassing them under this pretext. Forcing such unwarranted restrictions on the employees is a violation of their human rights and if companies won’t stop such inhuman practices we will ensure that such companies are not allowed to function in India. If needed we may even jail their senior management guys,” a senior HRD ministry official told this blogger.

Sources say that the HRD ministry has shortlisted nearly 20 Indian companies that are indulging in such “unethical practices”. The ministry is also confabulating with the law ministry to prepare a draf…

Variants of swine flu and those affected by it…

Variants of swine flu and those affected by it…
Influenza of the rich – Swipe flu
Influenza of the alpines – pine flu
Influenza of the brave – spine flu
Influenza of the optimist – fine flu
Influenza of the foodie – dine flu
Influenza of the possessive – mine flu
Tailor’s influenza – twine flu
Influenza at school – line flu
Saline influenza - brine flu
Influenza of the stars - shine flu
Trigonometry Influenza - Sine flu

Interview of the week: Captain of the North Korean ship detained in India

North Korean ship MV Mu San is now under detention at Port Blair for unauthorised anchoring off the Andaman and Nicobar Islands. It seems that the ship was a seasoned offender and had made several voyages between North Korea and China without maintaining proper records in the past. Our regional affairs bureau chief Rajcreep managed to interview ship's captain, Yon Jung Sun, even before the intelligence agencies could question the dude. Here’s the exclusive.

RC: What are you doing here?
Jung: I was transporting some fire crackers meant for our Chinese friends.

RC: But why come through Andaman Sea? You could have gone the other way round.
Jung: Silly man, you have the brains of a wild amoeba. If we had gone the other way, we would have attracted the attention of Western intelligence agencies. By coming this way, everyone will believe that we were just going to Myanmar.

RC: is this journey approved by the North Korean leadership?
Jung: Our great leader, the one whose stature is taller than…

Whats making news?

Mayawathi's new hairstyle

Contestants getting ready for the next season of Rakhi's Swayamwar

Postcard from Pakistan: Used Automobile sale - "Hmmm power steering...I will buy this one.."

Our desi Sri Sri Richard Gere

Pakistan offers massive discount on terrorism

With a view to increasing the export of terrorism from its soil, Pakistan has announced a massive offseason discount for entities that wish to import terrorists. An announcement to this affect was made by Pakistan’s Inter Services Intelligence chief Ahmad Shuja Pasha in Lahore on Friday.

Pakistan, according to sources, has prepared and trained nearly 5000 terrorists who are currently on the bench in various parts of the country. That Pakistan is finding it difficult to feed, clothe and hide these terrorists is no news to terrorism experts. But what has indeed come as a surprise to many is that instead of disbanding these groups, Pakistan is planning to offer their services to various state and non state entities on a pay-per-use basis.

“These terrorists have been trained using the world’s best terror infrastructure and these guys are the best that we have. We don’t want them to sit idle and waste their skills and time playing video games, chatting or following the dress code formulated …

Rehman Malik's former profession

Pakistan's Interior Minister in his former avtar..where he was far more sensible and sane as compared to now.

Indian government asks bloggers for help

After the sell off at Sharam-el-Sharif, heads have finally started to roll in the Ministry of External Affairs. Acting swiftly, the Indian government has stopped the services of a tea vendor who used to supply tea to the senior foreign affairs mandarins of the ministry. The government has claimed that the joint statement was drafted by these senior officials after drinking the tea supplied by this particular vendor.

The tea vendor has been asked to “move on” and he has not been given a severance package of any kind, sources said. A vegetable vendor operating in the area was also questioned by Intelligence Bureau sources in the wee hours of Wednesday, but was let off with a warning.

The Indian government has also decided to rope in bloggers to draft future joint statements. “We have many good bloggers in India and we feel that these guys can help the Indian government draft statements which even the US won’t understand, let alone Pakistan,” a senior external affairs ministry official tol…

Government to start dope tests in Parliament

In a move designed to eliminate leaders possessing sub-human IQ (dopes), the Indian government has decided to conduct random dope tests starting next session. According to sources close to the government, these tests will be carried out by a National Dope Authority (NDA) and the identified leaders will be asked to resign and join Mayawathi’s party at the earliest.

“In the times of recession, when everyone is talking about employing the best minds, we are stuck with some Neanderthals who are ruining the nation. These guys are leaders who cannot even run a tea stall if their lives depended on it and we can’t have such folks in the supreme decision making body in the country. So we have decided to eliminate them,” an official close to the parliamentary affairs minister told this blogger.

The government will be targeting those members of parliament whose IQ falls fellow the norm mandated by the National IQ Development Authority (NIDA). Sources have also claimed that the honourable CM of U…

Reasons why Hashmi didn’t get a home in Pali hills

• The housing society didn’t want to replace their new industry strength vacuum cleaner
• He wanted to give 300 kisses as down payment
• He was planning to offer 3000 unsold DVDs of his movies to the society
• He wanted uncle Mahesh Bhatt to get a subject for his new movie
• He wanted to tell bollywood that he was alive
• No one believed him when he said that he was a celebrity
• He thought that NOC was the line dividing Indian and Pakistani troops in Kashmir
• He wanted his neighbors to stroll around in a bikini
• The local hair dressers association protested against his presence in the vicinity as they felt that Emran would ruin their reputation
• He couldn’t pass the acting test conducted by the society
• When he walked in initially, the watchman thought he was a Rakhi Swayamwar contestant who had lost his way
• He kissed a society member, who is yet to recover from comma

Nanny for Ambanis

Tired of the drama emanating from the perennial feud between Ambani brothers, the government has decided to recruit a nanny to keep the two from fighting. A decision to this effect was taken at a high level meeting chaired by the home minister in the national capital on Friday. The Home Ministry has subsequently floated a national tender inviting EoIs from potential nannys to handle the two diaper whiners.

“We are tired of seeing these two fight so shamelessly in public. Further they also make sure that the fight receives adequate coverage in the media and even drag the Indian government into their personal ego clashes. The government has decided to crack the whip and get a fearsome nanny to whip these guys into reconciliation. How long can the nation put up with such nonsense,” a senior Company Affairs Ministry official told this blogger.

The government has already shortlisted a few names such as Jayalalitha, Mayawathi, Mamta Banerjee and Brinda Karat for the job and is waiting for th…