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Showing posts from 2012

Calvin's dad on Arnab Goswami

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Z+ security for Barkha Dutt on Twitter

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The Indian government has decided to extend Z+ category security on Twitter to aunty national news nanny Barkha Dutt commencing 2013. A decision to this effect has already been made and a notification was sent to Dutt on Thursday evening, government sources told Humor Unplugged.

Z+ category means that the government will deploy a Kapil Sibalesque character to monitor twitter activity to weed out tweets defaming Dutt. “We have over 78 attitudinal lookalikes of Kapil Sibal, 40 of whom are monitoring and censoring Twitter as we speak. The rest are being trained and prepared to take on similar responsibilities in the future. We have received a request to deploy one of our social media moderators to protect the reputation of the honourable Barkha Dutt and we are delighted to report that we will honor the request in under 72 hours,” a senior telecom ministry babu said.      

The decision means that any tweets deemed offensive after considering over 300 parameters will be deleted immediate…

Team India dedicates T20 batting performance to Shinde

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In what has been widely hailed as a remarkable display of sensitivity, Team India batsmen dedicated their performance in the T20 match vs Pakistan to Union Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde. It may be remembered that below par performance by Indian batsmen let the team down in the crucial T20 tie against arch rivals Pakistan in Bangalore yesterday.

Speaking at an informal interaction with Indian bloggers, Indian captain M S Dhoni attributed the batting performance to a decision the team had collectively taken on Monday evening. “We had decided that if we perform well, we will keep quiet but if we perform below par, the whole thing will be attributed to our home minister. It is the least we could do for such a remarkable underperformer and undeserving minister,” Dhoni said asking us to go off record.      

BCCI sources are reportedly quite miffed with the decision. When asked, a senior BCCI official who was caught giggling in Lok Sabha in the middle of a serious debate said “If it wa…

Potatoes replace cops in certain Delhi localities

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Few days after Boeing commenced Wifi testing with potatoes, few citizens in Delhi have put uniformed potatoes in their localities to make up for lack of police patrol in their area.

"Boeing Test and Evaluation laboratories recently discovered that sacks of potatoes work as a substitute for people, when testing the effect on WiFi of an airline cabin packed with passengers. The program is called Synthetic Personnel Using Dielectric Substitution (SPUDS) and its purpose is to develop the most evenly spread and reliable WiFi coverage for an airliner," a certified geek told us.

Few citizens in Delhi angry with cop inaction and deteriorating law and order situation in the national capital devised an igneous method to increase cop presence in their area. These folks purchased bags of potatoes and put them in police uniforms and placed them in strategic locations in their localities.  The sacs are sitting by themselves and apparently doing a good job in managing law and order in are…

Skeletons of husband and wife who died waiting for IRCTC page to load unearthed

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Archaeologists have unearthed skeletons belonging to a couple who tried booking their vacation tickets via IRCTC’s website and died waiting for the home page to load. The discovery was made last week but the government kept the discovery secret till Humor Unplugged accessed the report via our sources in the government.

The age of the skeletons is yet to be determined and it seems as if they were trying to access the page via their laptop. The husband is seen looking at his laptop (now missing, presumed stolen by grave robbers) while the wife is turning the other way, smirking at her hubby's patient ways. The page never loaded and the two never got to go on their vacation.

“The couple have once again shown how slow and crawly the home page of IRCTC is. In some states, it is considered a punishment to book tickets via the portal. We need to improve the speed of the site by deploying more servers and revamping the UI,” a former Indian Railways bureaucrat told Humor Unplugged.

Terrorists attack Peshawar airport; Rehman Malik blames Global Warming

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Three civilians and five suicide attackers were killed when a group of Taliban fighters attempted to storm the airport in the North Western city of Peshawar after firing five rockets, officials said. Pakistan’s interior minister, Rehman Malik however refused to blame militants for the attack and attributed the disturbance to global warming.

“No suicide bombers were involved I can triple guarantee you that. Our understanding is that the local climate system in areas around Peshawar has changed drastically over the last few years. Changes have been observed in the amount, intensity, frequency, and type of precipitation. Widespread increases in heavy precipitation have occurred, even in places where total rain amounts have decreased and this is what led to the disturbance in Peshawar,” Rehman Malik said.

“Climate change? That man (Malik) requires urgent psychological attention. Our people attacked Peshawar airport yesterday to demonstrate our anger against the increase in user developme…

Time Magazine calls Dhoni an underachiever...

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Time magazine has done it again. Another Indian 'leader' has been classified by it as an underachiever. We will wait for Indian magazine Outlook to respond.  

Priyanka Chopra nominated for World Music Awards

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Year 2012 has proved to be a successful one for Priyanka Chopra. The alleged actor’s debut song has been nominated in the newly created 'mosquito repellent' category at the World Music Awards. The nomination was confirmed by a leading page 3 newspaper that regularly covers Elvis sightings across the US.

“Coming at a time when the disease dengue is becoming a major epidemic in India and other countries, Priyanka Chopra couldn’t have chosen a better timing for the release of her single, even if she could think. Her song has been found effective in repelling mosquitoes as confirmed by various independent health care NGOs operating in different parts of India. Many civic agencies and NGOs are playing her song in public to drive away mosquitoes. It has also been proven that her song can also change the reproductive cycle and behaviour of mosquitoes rendering them sterile,” the report in the leading daily states.  

Sources have told Humor Unplugged that the song has been download…

Man wakes up to see glittering ghost sitting beside him watching Talaash

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A man watching the movie Talaash had a horrendous experience when he woke up towards the end only to find a real life talking ghost talking to him. The incident which disturbed the victim and left a deep scar on his psyche happened in a Mumbai theatre yesterday afternoon. An investigation by Mumbai police however revealed the ghost to be a human being.

The man according to sources was seated in the VIP enclosure and was so bored by the movie that he dozed off midway. When he woke up, he saw a ghost draped in white with ‘red blood soaked’ lips and stalactite and stalagmite shaped teeth saying ‘well, hello darling did you enjoy your beauty sleep’?

The man collapsed screaming 'ghost' and then rolled down the enclosure only to crash into a barrier with a loud thud. The whole thing caused a huge pandemonium and soon the theatre resembled Lok Sabha debating retail FDI. The theatre was empty in just 5 minutes and soon the cops arrived and scanned the place for clues. They didn’t fin…

Ghostly affairs is the new in-thing, post Talaash

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Recently released paranormal thriller Talaash has led to an increase in the number of people endorsing or engaging in extra marital relationships with denizens of the spirit world. A snap poll conducted by a prominent page 3 newspaper found that the number of people involved in paranormal relationships has risen by a whopping 30 percent (year-on-year) since the release of the Aamir Khan starrer, a week ago.

“Our snap poll conducted in 23 Indian cities found that nearly 32 percent of respondents were either in a relationship with a ghost or were open to the idea. This is as compared to just 2 percent in 2011. The release of the movie Talaash and increasing awareness of the benefits of engaging a ghostly in an out-of-this-world relationship are responsible for this increase,” said a HU source who had worked for the project in the newspaper.

Psychologists like Dr. Hammerschmidst support the notion. “The chances of someone getting caught having an inappropriate relationship with a ghost…

Maoists kidnap Ronald McDonald dummy from Indian Mc Dee outlet

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Amid the raging FDI debate in parliament, a dummy statue of Ronald McDonald, primary mascot of the McDonald's fast-food chain of restaurants went missing yesterday evening from one of its outlets in Mumbai. Initial reports emerging from ground zero suggest that renegade Maoists have kidnapped the iconic clown to put pressure on the Indian government.

Speaking exclusively to Humor Unplugged, senior inspector Kash Ghobble said “the clown vanished yesterday evening and folks from the restaurant lodged a 30 page FIR with us. Later on they received a call from a group calling itself the Bollywood Maoists who claimed that they have abducted the clown to put pressure on the government to ease out on the FDI debate in parliament and ultimately withdraw the decision to allow FDI in multi-brand retail in the country. They have also sent a picture of the kidnapped dummy. We have a few leads and are investigating”.  

The Maoists, according to sources, have threatened to harm the dummy unles…

Group wants govt to give Bharat Ratna 'soft copy' to Sachin Tendulkar

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A group calling itself the Sachin Sena has asked the Indian government to bestow Bharat Ratna on batting legend Sachin Tendulkar at the earliest, failing which it will start public screening of torturous Bollywood movies.

“We will start the process next month and we have already communicated this to the Indian government. While we understand that the bureaucratic hurdles will delay the whole process, we just want the government to issue a PDF version of Bharat Ratna. Else we will start torturing people by screening the worst of Bollywood to harass citizens and then there will be no escape,” a self-styled spokesperson for the sena said.

Sachin Sena, according to the spokesperson, will screen Jab Tak Hain Junk and Son of Sardard to begin with and continue the torture by screening with similar movies in public. Government sources contacted refused to comment on the development. Police sources meanwhile said that they were waiting for the group to make a status update on Facebook before…

Pakistan in mourning following Ajmal Kasab’s execution

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Pakistan, world’s most prolific supporter of international terrorism, has gone into mourning as reports of her champion terrorist Ajmal Kasab’s execution started coming in.

Pakistan, according to sources, has declared state mourning today and tomorrow while its offices will remain closed on Saturday afternoon as mark of respect to the departed soul. Flags in the country will fly at half-mast and prayer sessions will be organised at terror camps across the country. Season two campus recruitments that were supposed to happen across major terror camps have been postponed indefinitely, a source said.

"Today is a dark day in the history of Pakistan. A day that snatched away a great son of the pious soil of this great country. May his soul rest in peace and not capture a dingy and roam around," Pakistani president Zardari said.

“We are appalled at India taking such a drastic step. Kasab killed a few people but then he didn’t deserve such a harsh punishment. You could have made hi…

Pervez Musharraf in conversation with Humor Unplugged

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Musharraf has been widely described as a coward in uniform, a certified pest and a perennial wannabe. In this conversation, part of our series Coffee with Clowns, Musharraf speaks about everything from his IQ to why he is in India.

HU: Tell us one thing. Why are you here in India? 

Mush: I have no idea. The other day when I was cleaning the utensils under direct orders from begum, I got a call from some paper called Hindustan Times asking me to address a gathering in New Delhi where people had paid upto INR 50,000 to attend. Begum said I can attend if I come back the same evening and do all chores for the day. You see it is very hard to find help in London. My entire pension goes in purchasing begum’s cosmetics. I am borrowing money from ISI’s overseas Jihadi fund for buying food. That’s how I came to India. By the way, I have now been officially categorised as a non-state actor by Pakistan.

HU: People pay to listen to you?
Mush: Yea I am also surprised. Earlier during my army days, Pak …

900 year old pothole discovered in Bangalore; may be declared heritage site

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Archaeologists in Bangalore have unearthed a 900 year old pothole right in the middle of the city.

The discovery came to light when a civic body and a major telecom player tried to outdig each other while laying a water pipeline and an OFC cable respectively on MG Road, last week. Sources say that engineers from both organisations got into a tussle on where and how they should ruin the road. The civic body wanted to ruin the road at exactly the same place where the telecom major wanted to dig a 30 feet deep trench. Both however moved on to separate areas of MG Road after a while and started digging furiously to see who could ruin the road more. The two also increased the size of the boards they had put up at the digging site to prominently display their respective brands.

After digging non-stop for nearly 80 hours, engineers from the civic body came across the remains of what appeared to be an ancient lake. Digging was then stopped and folks from the Archaeological survey of India to…

White House ghosts evenly split between Obama and Romney

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A survey of resident ghosts of the White House has not shown a clear winner.

The US presidential race is evenly split and there are no two ways about it. The even split in votes goes all the way transgressing the alive world right into the nether world. A survey of ghosts of former US presidents residing in the US president’s home in Washington DC by The Pacific Paranormal Society (TIPS) has shown that 49 percent of them back Obama while 48 percent want Romney to be the next resident of the White House. 3 percent were outside coverage area, presumably away haunting other places when TIPS tried reaching them. This poll has a margin of error of 2-3 percent, TIPS said.

The poll covered a range of subjects close to ghosts including foreign policy, healthcare and ofcourse, jobs. “The race is too close to call even in next plane. We contacted over 23 former US presidents as part of this wacky opinion poll and found that both the 2012 presidential candidates have nearly equal backing among …

Obnoxious party spokespersons..

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China opens up its Gulags to Foreign Direct Investment

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When it comes to international embarrassment, China is a seasoned veteran. It has been embarrassed so many times globally over human rights violation, illegal occupation of territories, drug and arms running, selling contaminated milk, trading in nukes etc that it has formed a special ministry to deal with international episodes of embarrassment.

The latest instance of Chinese discomfort occurred when the Nobel committee announced that Chinese author Mo Yan had won the Nobel Prize for literature. As the word spread within China, the government tried hard to locate him. As most authors, journalists, bloggers, artists and other creatively blessed people in China are held in over 1000 gulags (Laogais as the Chinese call them) spread across the country, the task of locating him became quite difficult. The PLA was called and so were military reservists who were asked to check mines, quarries and slave labor camps across china to trace him.

A division of China's cyber offensive wing ev…

I am not going to wear a LPG cap: Priyanka Chopra

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Alleged actor Priyanka Chopra has lashed out at the Indian government for ‘making citizens wear a LPG cap’. The wooden or rather plastic actor attacked the central government for ‘ignoring the sensitivities of fashion-abiding citizens’.

“Yes, I have heard about the LPG cap and I am completely against it. How can you make an entire nation wear a similar cap just because a few individuals in the government feel so? I mean it is so lame. Even if it is a good looking cap, still you shouldn’t expect the entire country to wear it,” she said trying to flash one of her 100 percent plastic smiles at reporters who ran helter skelter trying to avoid seeing it. But it was too late for a few who collapsed on the spot as soon as they witnessed the spooky smile.

“I will protest against this. This is not fair and there are things other than caps that the government needs to focus on. Haven’t they noticed how the prices of essential cosmetics are sky rocketing? At this rate, people will soon have t…

Kejriwal has evidence of life outside the solar system: IAC

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In a shocking development, India Against Corruption (IAC) has claimed that Arvind Kejriwal had recently stumbled upon irrefutable proof of life outside the solar system. IAC claimed that it will come out with more details in a press conference to be held on November 11 in Silchar, West Bengal.

“Yes, it is true, we have come across evidence to support the assertion that life has evolved outside the confines of our solar system. We came across strong evidence to this effect while we were busy sifting through tons of documentation and other material to prove the involvement of various politicians in scams across the country. A senior member of the current government is aware of this,” an IAC spokesperson said.
IAC claims that it also has evidence for plenty of things, including alien visitation, and will reveal them at a convenient time.  

NASA and SETI declined to comment on the development.

Drones pound Imran Khan’s anti-drone march

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Drones belonging to the US attacked Imran Khan’s anti drone rally on Saturday evening angering the former cricketer and his three die-hard supporters in Pakistan.

As per schedule, by evening on Saturday, the motorcade of the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaaf (PTI) had reached Dera Ismail Khan. After this, the entourage decided to halt at D. I. Khan for the night. Imran Khan soon got busy tweeting about the ‘long drive’, but was shaken by a series of loud explosions.

“What the ___________.Looks the local population is celebrating our arrival by exploding crackers. A big hi going out to all PTI supporters and well-wishers here. Inshallah, if PTI comes to power, we will capture US drones and use them to irrigate crops in the area,” Khan tweeted. At this point he was not aware that the explosions were not crackers, but US drones taking out his SuVs.

As soon as Khan was informed about the drones attacking his convoy, he changed tracks. He asked his followers to abandon the SuVs and switch to loca…

Indian T-20 World Cup team to star in NGC’s ‘Banged up abroad’

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After making an early exit from the T-20 World Cup, the Indian cricket team has some reason to cheer. Executives from National Geographic Channel’s holiday horror series 'Banged up abroad' have offered them $3mn to share their tragic story on TV. BCCI sources have confirmed that the team has been approached by NGC with an 'ok' offer and the team was actively considering it.    

“The matter is under consideration at the highest levels within BCCI. The performance of the Indian team in Sri Lanka broadly fits into the format that the NGC team is looking at and we are also more than willing to share our story with them so that it reaches out to the broader audience. It has been a horror story all the way and we would like someone to document the team’s disastrous performance in Lanka,” a senior BCCI administrator said.

Once the modalities are worked out, a script writer will be assigned to key members of the Indian team to prepare a story, sources said.

Manmohan Singh and L K Advani to judge a dance show

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In a bid to cast aside differences, show a semblance of unity and have a good time, Manmohan Singh and L K Advani have agreed to jointly judge the finals of a dance show aired on an Indian entertainment channel. Sources say that the two have already agreed to partake and judge the contestants.

“Yes, it is true and I cannot share any more details without compromising the Official Secrets Act. You media people (and bloggers) know everything. That Arnab fellow has even sent 97 questions to us on this. CAG is already analysing the loss to the exchequer due to PM’s participation in this contest and am sure he is going to come up with an astronomical figure and so Manish Tiwari and Diggi are on standby” Minister of State in the PMO V Narayanasamy said.

No one from Advani camp was available for comment on the record but over 400 people turned up the moment we mentioned ‘off the record’. “Advaniji and the PM will be judging a talent show together. This occasion will give the leaders enough t…

Katrina Kaif loses temper again; this time she was asked to act

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While shooting for a soap advert recently, Katrina Kaif reportedly lost her cool when the director asked her to pose. The director was apparently not satisfied with Katrina's 'seductive' act and wanted a retake. But Katrina got angry and warned the director not to push the envelope. Well this was two days ago. Today, she lost her cool again and gave a good dressing down to a newbie director who wanted her to ‘act’ as per the script, reliable sources claimed. The director has since been replaced.

The incident happened at a prominent studio today morning. Everything was proceeding as per plan till Katrina started her shoot and gave her first shot. The director was extremely disappointed with Katrina’s acting prowess and called for a retake. After 15 retakes, the director calmly told Katrina to stop pouting her lips and 'act' as per the script. Katrina apparently jumped off her chair when she heard the word act.

Seething with anger, Katrina started hissing and saying…

Pressure mounts on Rahul Gandhi to initiate an affair after l’affair Bilawal Bhutto

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Shortly after Bhutto scion Bilawal Zardari Bhutto and Pakistani foreign minister Hina Rabbani Khar were rumoured to have developed a relationship, the media in India along with some Congress politicians rushed to Gandhi scion Rahul and asked him to do something similar.

Pakistan according to sources is abuzz with reports of a love affair between Chotu 10 percent Bilawal Bhutto and foreign minister Hina Rabbani Khar. The episode was brought to light by a reputed Bangladeshi tabloid and India’s very own tabloid Times of India is planning to carry the story on its front page tomorrow along with detailed analysis and expert opinion. The newspaper has already signed up 3 sponsors for the story, Bennet and Coleman sources told Humor Unplugged.

And it doesn’t end here. Within an hour of the story hitting the wires, a delegation of media persons and prominent Congress politicians visited Rahul Gandhi and urged him to develop a relationship with someone prominent. The contention of the politi…

CBI to probe all coal block allocations from 3000 BC onwards

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Not content with expanding the coal block allocation probe to 1993, country’s premier investigation agency CBI today announced that it will probe all allocations made since civilisation began in the Indian subcontinent.

At a crowded press conference filled with snooty media people and a few bloggers, CBI spokesperson Chavvani Lal said the investigating authority had expanded probe’s scope following a direction from the Central Vigilance Commission (CVC). "We will file charges against everybody including kings, ministers and others. The nation has a right to know how clean its leaders were in the past and we are in no mood to spare anybody," Lal said.

When a few bloggers questioned the move and asked him why the under-staffed CBI was undertaking such a massive exercise in futility, Lal threatened to bring bloggers under the scope of the probe.

“The process of determining favours in coal block allocation or coal-gate as some proton-minded wags call it will ensure that our ne…

Arnab tries to do a Manmohan in his home, gets mauled

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Taking a leaf out of Indian PM Manmohan Singh’s book, Times Now Editor-in-Chief Arnab tried to push home the need to implement unpopular austerity measures in his home. But little did he know that he would soon run into ‘allies’ worse than Mamata.

As its Editor-in-chief, Arnab literally carries Times Now on his fidgety shoulders. He is a widely popular anchor; but his stellar role is limited to the confines of homes tuning in to watch his news shows on a regular basis. When it comes to his domestic turf, Arnab’s wife Pipi Goswami calls the shots. Together with son Papu Goswami, Pipi has formed a formidable all weather alliance to take on Arnab. Little wonder that the duo rule the Goswami family and Arnab’s repeated attempts to gain an upper hand in key domestic decisions are routinely shot down causing Arnab to vent his frustration at politicians and other reptilian entities that grace his show.

Arnab’s neighbour who didn’t want to be identified claims there is a policy paralysis goi…

Indian PM assures the nation – 1991 will not be allowed to happen

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A Humor Unplugged exclusive 

PM Manmohan Singh has lashed out at critics who claimed that a deep economic crisis akin to 1991 was looming on the horizon. In a rare interview with Humor Unplugged, the PM urged people to think big as big as the scams his government was orchestrating on the nation and advised patience while suggesting that the nation has weathered bigger storms before.

Humor Unplugged’s resident mime Bhoopain Chow-bey met the PM recently and had a brief interaction with him in a language the latter is comfortable with – extreme silence. “In 1991, Bhappi Lahiri didn’t have all that gold and that is a huge difference. If things go bad, we will mortgage him to beef up our cash position even before we pledge our IMF reserves. So why is everyone getting worried? Bhappi has enough gold on him to foot our import bill for the next 5 years atleast. He is a cushion in more ways than one,” the Indian PM said while enacting a complex mime routine effortlessly.

When asked about his …

Its celebration time!

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Calvin and Hobbes on PM Manmohan Singh

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Often under opposition attack for his silence, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh today reacted to allegations of his involvement in the coal allocation scam with lines drawn from a Urdu poem. His exact words were "my silence is better than a thousand answers, it keeps the honour of innumerable questions intact". Someone has copied these very lines for a completely different purpose altogether...






How to prevent Mamata Banerjee from arresting you

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Are you a resident of West Bengal and have spoken against CM Mamata Banerjee? Do not fret. Here is Calvin showing you the right way to issue an apology before she gets you locked. 



Overenthusiastic PMO officials block Japanese and Israeli PMO handles on twitter

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In what could have been a case of extraordinary eagerness to please the Indian PM, overenthusiastic officials in his office have made Twitter block the accounts of Israeli and Japanese PM on Twitter along with several others. The gaffe was discovered today afternoon when followers of some of these accounts in India were unable to access them.  

On being informed about the mistake, the PMO officials brushed aside the evidence provided by us. While asking us to leave, one pan chewing official said “be as silent as our PM else we will block your twitter accounts too. The two accounts (Japanese and Israeli PM) you just referred to have content that we don’t understand and so we are assuming it is communal in nature and so we are blocking them. What will you bloggers know about national interest? We are the sole defenders of national interest in this country. We may not wear our langots outside our pants or fly around and bash villains like those superheroes you see in movies; but we ain…

Unique protest ends after man gets to know about ill-effects of mobile tower radiation

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A unique protest in the national capital ended today after two IIT professors delivered a lecture on the harmful effects of radiation emitted by cell towers.

Delhites woke up to the news of a man who had climbed a 200-ft mobile tower to protest against social media giant Facebook forcing him to adopt its Timeline feature.  Anand Kumar, a techie with a software company in Noida, climbed the tower at Ajmeri Gate at around 1 pm today and refused to come down till late night despite appeals by police and Mahesh Bhatt.

Anand’s main grouse was that he hated timeline and didn’t want his landing page on Facebook to look like a 'wedding album’. He claimed that all this while he had avoided the featured but now Facebook was forcing users to adopt it and that was constitutionally incorrect and against his freedom of choice. He said he wanted to discuss the matter with Zukerberg and his protest will help him do that.

The 35-year-old told PTI over phone, "I want to meet Mark Zukerberg. I…

Tunnel beneath Arnab Gowswami’s house causes controversy

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A neatly dug tunnel discovered beneath the home of nation’s self-appointed watchdog and anchor Arnab Gowswami caused a series of unwanted incidents in Mumbai, last week.

The tunnel was discovered when Arnab's wife Pipi Goswami on a routine stroll tripped on an old unused iPad left by Arnab on their lawn and fell into a 4-1/2 feet hole. This was the mouth of the tunnel. Pipi then got up and explored the tunnel which had an oxygen tube and provision for storing papers containing 32 questions. The tunnel led Pipi to the home of a young Times Now journo and when Pipi came out at the other end, she saw the lady basking in her lawn.

Pipi recognised her instantly and started questioning her. The journo greeted Pipi and said she had no knowledge of the tunnel and that the whole thing was quite an unpleasant surprise. Pipi however threatened to bury her in the tunnel unless she told the truth. Hearing the threat, the journo started running, scaled the boundary wall, jumped down and ran aw…

Indian Hockey team dissolved, former members to float political party soon

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It seems like politics is attracting losers from all walks of life these days. The Indian Hockey team, which won the prestigious wooden spoon at the London Olympics, has become the latest addition to this list. Last Saturday, the team announced its grandiose plans of floating a national political party.

It’s not even a week since Team Anna’s agitation fizzled out without a whimper. The exit strategy deployed by Team Anna strategists was to buy time to float a political party. Following in Team Anna’s footsteps, the disgraced Indian Hockey team recently announced that the team is being dissolved and members will soon float a political party to contest the 2014 elections. As per multiple updates on the status page of the Indian hockey team, the party will contest elections in 300 Lok Sabha seats across the country and work towards improving the condition of Indian hockey from ‘within the system’.

Speaking exclusively to Humor Unplugged, team captain Bharat Chetri said “so far we were t…

What happens when you ask Mamata Banerjee a question?

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Pak moves to get heritage tag for illegal Kashmir tunnel

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In a move to prevent India from plugging the 400 mts long illegal tunnel dug by Pakistan army along the international border in Samba sector, Pakistan has asked UNESCO to declare the tunnel as a heritage site. A request to this effect was made by the Pakistani government yesterday.

In a letter to UNESCO, Pakistan has asked the UN body to prevent India from closing the tunnel. To support its claim on the heritage status, it attached clips from a news show aired by a local channel claiming that the tunnel was dug during by none other than living fossil Syed Shah Geelani along with his fellow Neanderthals 17600 years ago. “This tunnel is a piece of history and we knew about this since ages. But it looks like the Indians were not aware and are therefore creating a huge ruckus on this one. They should just chill and accept the fact that this is a historic tunnel. Geelani and his family members dug this tunnel to run away from human beings who were residing in what is now Indian Kashmir,” …

Congress woos angry Pawar with a special No 2 chair

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Sources in the Congress have told Humor Unplugged that the PM had asked top strategy makers in the party to aggressively woo estranged ally Sharad Pawar. The diktat was issued on Wednesday evening and party managers got into the act immediately. 

Party’s main motor mouth Diggi got in touch with a local carpenter and got him to prepare the frame for a nice and comfy chair next morning. He then got his friends in Slovenia to send him special cushions and got a Kenyan chair designer to fly in to specially design the exterior of what he called the UPA-II Number Two chair. The whole project was wrapped up in under three days and the chair is now undergoing weight and slap trials in Diggi’s garage. It will be used in all UPA meetings going forward to seat Sharad Pawar.

"The outer jacket of this chair is made from Pawarji's old pajamas. He was kind enough to hand them over to us and we have used pieces from them at various places in the chair. This will make the chair more homely an…

Pakistan is producing a movie on Ajmal Kasab

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Its official. Pakistani Army and ISI are together producing a movie on 26-11 terrorist Ajmal Kasab. The movie, called Kasablanca, has already hit the floors and will be released around November this year. Staring one of Pakistan's leading heroes, the movie revolves around the life of a terrorist armed, trained and dispatched by ISI to wreck havoc in India. The poster claims that the movie is a love story. A disclaimer at the bottom of the poster says that the movie has not been produced by any Pakistani state agency and is based on a completely fictitious story.

So without further ado, here is the poster presented exclusively by Humor Unplugged.




Haqqani Network asks US to ‘hurry up’ on the Foreign Terrorist Organisation designation

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Pakistan Army’s wholly owned subsidiary, the Haqqani Network has asked US to designate it as a Foreign Terrorist Organisation (FTO) soon. A plea to this effect was made by the Network’s Chief Finance Officer Mullah Somar in Islamabad today. It may be remembered that recently, the US House of Representatives had passed a bill through voice vote to force the state department to decide within a month whether the Haqqani Network meets the criteria for the designation. 


Explaining the logic behind the move, Somar said “Look US is not a source of funds for our activities. It is instead the Pakistani army and the ISI who fund us right from the donkey saddles to AK 47s. A major parameter that Pakistani army uses to determine if a group is worthy of its largesse is the US or Indian designation. If either one of these countries brands a Pakistani group as a terror organisation, Pakistani army opens a new account in HSBC for the group and releases a huge corpus within just 13 days. In addition, a…

Man blames mobile phone tower radiation for domestic tensions

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The Sillichar High Court was besieged by a strange divorce case recently. A woman, a team lead in a software company in Bangalore, filed for divorce from her social media addicted hubby citing mental agony, emotional torture and lack of moral support as reasons. But instead of accepting or denying these charges, the man blamed the whole episode on radiations from a cell phone tower that had come up in the vicinity of their home, recently.

“Before the tower came up, we were a happy couple. We used to even share a ice cream and update each other’s statues on Facebook every now and then. But once the tower came up, she changed and so did I. Everything stopped after that and we started quarrelling like MPs during the monsoon session. Besides my mother-in-law moved in with us and that pretty much was the straw that tickled the hyena into submission, your honor,” the man said while deposing before the judge.

The woman disagreed. “Your honor, my soon to be ex-husband is a social media addic…

Hillary Clinton releases US apology template

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In a landmark move, US has decided to start using a template to issue apologies to insecure countries like Pakistan for various transgressions in the future. The template was developed by a State Department employee after Pakistani foreign minister Hina Khar harassed his boss and US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to issue an apology (for the NATO strike) by calling her 20 times in one day.    

Humor Unplugged has managed to get a copy of the apology template. This is what it looks like: