Pervez Musharraf in conversation with Humor Unplugged

Musharraf has been widely described as a coward in uniform, a certified pest and a perennial wannabe. In this conversation, part of our series Coffee with Clowns, Musharraf speaks about everything from his IQ to why he is in India.

HU: Tell us one thing. Why are you here in India? 

Mush: I have no idea. The other day when I was cleaning the utensils under direct orders from begum, I got a call from some paper called Hindustan Times asking me to address a gathering in New Delhi where people had paid upto INR 50,000 to attend. Begum said I can attend if I come back the same evening and do all chores for the day. You see it is very hard to find help in London. My entire pension goes in purchasing begum’s cosmetics. I am borrowing money from ISI’s overseas Jihadi fund for buying food. That’s how I came to India. By the way, I have now been officially categorised as a non-state actor by Pakistan.

HU: People pay to listen to you?
Mush: Yea I am also surprised. Earlier during my army days, Pak army soldiers had to listen to me as they didn’t have any choice. Later on, fidayeens, jihadis, suicide bombers were all paid by Pak army to force them to listen to me. One tormented guy blew himself up to avoid listening to me. And now people are paying to hear my banter…what a turnaround.

HU: There has been some debate around your IQ.
Mush: Yea. Some guys in Pakistan have claimed that my IQ is comparable to that of a fern. But during my tenure in Pak army they had ascertained that my IQ is equal to that of a single celled organism and no greater.

HU: You must be flattered. 
Mush: Yea. They are playing up my IQ. One of the jokes that was doing rounds when I was the dictator of Pakistan was that when god was rationing IQ, I was washing my uniform.

HU: You were deeply attached to your uniform. How did you finally manage to come out of it? 
Mush: Yea, I was deeply attached. One day the begum just gave away my uniform to the dhobhi and asked him to keep it.

HU: And?
Mush: Well he kept it and became the next chief of army staff of Pakistan army. Do you think (Parvez) Kayani won it fair and square?

HU: You are a proclaimed offender. Don’t you worry about Pakistan arresting you?
Mush:  That’s a joke. I am hoping they arrest me. Atleast that way they will put me up in some posh bungalow and take care of me till I die. I cannot afford life in London. Besides under house arrest I won’t have to clean the utensils.