Why the botox mummy got angry with India's leading journo
Why didn't you block our URLs?
All her boyfriends are doomed says astrologer
CBI is serious about naming criminals looting the nation since Indus Valley Civilisation
Implementing reforms is a tough job for anyone
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sources close to Suresh Kalmadi (as close as Arundathi Roy is to Syed Shah Geelani) told Humor Unplugged that the raid was carried out in response to the IT department raiding his office last week. “What do they think? Only they can carry out raids? I can do so too and I will; and let this be a warning to all tax sleuths who are planning more raids on my offices in the future. I will continue to steal crucial papers from IT offices across the nation till they stop harassing me and going after my ill gotten wealth,” Kalmadi said before fleeing the scene of crime on a pair of roller skates purchased at 300 times their market value by Suresh Kalmadi's son Pappu Kalmadi.
Apparently, when Kalmadi barged into the IT office, he was carrying a picture of Mayawathi without make up and he used the image to scare the day lights out of the security guards – some of whom fainted and had to be hospitalized. Kalmadi was also heard repeatedly threatening the department staff with dire consequences, if they continued the raids. “Stay away, else I will release snakes in your homes and I am not talking about Mailika Sherawat. I will also ensure that your bed is filled with jumping stray dogs,” Kalmadi threatened.
IT officials meanwhile claimed that the papers that Kalmadi took were inconsequential. “Those were actually the grocery bills from the canteen in our premises. I have no idea why he took them away,” a senior IT official told Humor Unplugged.
Reddy brothers want to acquire stake in IT department
In a related development, Karnataka’s famous Reddy brothers Greedy Reddy and Shady Reddy, today urged the union government to divest its stake in the IT department. The brothers submitted a memorandum in this regard to the union finance minister Pranab Mukherjee. Greedy Reddy said that his family was interested in buying a controlling stake in the IT department as part of the corporate social responsibility initiative of their company Shady Inc. The brothers between themselves have committed Rs 7000 crores for this purpose and have mooted the creation of a special purpose vehicle that will channel the stake and help them control the department.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
|The test flight: A proud PAF pilot couldn't hide his excitement|
on board the first Pakistani fighter jet
As soon as Mallya made this allegation, Patel’s assistants scampered and ran like headless chickens to fetch a dictionary. After a hour long wait, when the meaning of the words were finally deciphered, Patel asked Mallya to chill and have beer while he ascertains the facts of the case and the DGCA report comes in. But Mallya would have none of it “In the past also, many Jet Airways pilots have had ‘near misses’ with our air hostess outside their aircraft and it ain’t funny anymore as now they are trying to do it from their cockpit. It is not the just the repair costs that are worrying me. Have you any idea how much effort we put into selecting and training these air hostesses,” asked Mallya.
|Air India air hostess are trained|
to handle all kinds of goons
|Kingfisher air hostesses|
|Mamta Banerjee returning after teaching|
a legislator some 'manners'
All attempts to elicit a response from Jet proved futile. We got an Out of Patience reply from their spokesperson in Mumbai.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Here at Humor Unplugged we are fed up of China barking its head off on our state Arunachal Pradesh. The most recent provocation came today morning with Google Earth's Chinese rival showing our state inside Chinese territory. This episode along with countless others shows how insecure China really is.
We know for sure that the meek Indian government will cow down and respond saying "Arunachal Pradesh is a integral part of India...". This is not what we want. So we have decided to give it right back to the world's most hegemonic nation. We have done what the Indian government couldn't do all this while. Starting today all maps hosted on Humor Unplugged will show Tibet as a part of India (which is actually true). From today onwards we will consider Tibet to be an integral part of India.
Do whatever you wish to China...we are not afraid of you or your regimented zombies and better get that super-colossal insecurity of yours treated..
Thursday, October 21, 2010
|The 'Jurassic freak' reacts on hearing |
the news that he will be
sent to Spain
Origin of Geelani
According to experts, Geelani was born during early Cretaceous and has been around since then. His first, and last, date was a Asiatosaurus- a huge plant-eater. He was around when the dinos waved goodbye and when the last major ice age set in. It is said that he survived the last ice age by constantly uttering incomprehensible chatter about separation, strike and protest. It is around this time that he learnt to throw stones while foraging for food - a habit that he has retained to this day. The only difference is that today, Geelani’s food and pay comes from across the border.
Government sources say Geelani will be flown to Barcelona in a specially built cage on a modified IL 76 of the Indian Air Force. Before this however, he will be let loose among a crowd of Kashmiri Pundits who will be allowed to thrash him to pulp. This will help subdue him for the journey ahead. Meanwhile in Srinagar, Geelani asked the people of Kashmir to join him in a dawn to dusk strike. No sooner had he said this, a bunch of villagers came, dragged Geelani outside, thrashed him with shoes and dumped him back in his house.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
As already reported by New York Times, Obama administration will be offering Pakistan a multi-year security pact complete with more reliable military aid. The offer will be made to the Pakistani civilian and military leaders who arrive in Washington this week for a strategic dialogue, the influential US daily said.
Humor Unplugged has managed to secure a copy of the proposed pact arrived after much diaper whining by Pakistan. According to the draft, US has agreed to ignore future David Headleys emerging from US soil and promised to royally avoid Indian requests for extraditing such criminals and absolving Pakistan of any involvement at all times. US has infact decided to offer future terrorists from Pakistan a special T1 terror visa. Headleys from USA will be allowed to travel freely to countries like India where they will partake in reece missions on behalf of Pakistani terrorist organizations.
The text of the draft also has a point on the wives of future Headleys. “FBI will ignore all warnings given by the wives of such terrorists (like Headley) in case they report any suspicious behavior displayed by their husband(s) .Such information will be categorized as matrimonial ranting and the file will be disposed off within a minute of its creation without informing the concerned wives. This information will be shared with the ISI and the concerned terrorist in order to ensure that they are more careful in the future” the draft says.
Highlights of the new pact:
• More F 16s to combat stone age mullahs domiciled in AFPAK region
• Pakistan can aid, abet and foster global terror in any country other than US or its NATO allies
• In case a terror attack on US soil is traced back to Pakistan. Pakistan will be threatened with dire consequences and asked to act against the concerned terrorists. These warnings will be issued over a period of a month or till such a time that public anger in US against the terror attack persists
• Once the anger subsides, Pakistan will be pampered again and US-Pak relations strengthened and brought to pre-attack levels
• In the meantime US will explore all options including a strike against Iran or Afghanistan to take attention away from Pakistan’s role in the attack in US soil. The so called axis of weasels will expanded to include countries outside Asia
• Pak will be given the option of supplying fake terrorists to US. These guys can be handed over at regular intervals as proof of Pakistan’s commitment to war on terror season II or three or whatever
• Pakistani terror organizations whose primary enemy is a nation other than US or its NATO allies will be allowed to raise funds from within USA
• US will not interfere in the following activities carried out by Pakistan – Drug trade, clandestine nuclear deals that endanger global security and peace, missiles deals with North Korea and China, arms trade and money laundering
The pact christened Mutual Rear Saving and Cooperation Order will be signed as soon as Pakistan gives its aye.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
|A surprisingly cheerful looking|
Wai Yu Soo Dum
According to prominent China watchers, the mascot is latest in a series of steps taken by that country to demonstrate its allergy to democracy.
“This is just the beginning. Going forward we will also have mascots for milk contamination, heavy metal infested toys, cheap counterfeit hardware and intrusion,” Thoo added.
|Opening ceremony of the International Ghost Games|
|Hats off to the golden girls of India|
|Guy beside Sarko on call with Carla: "Carla...Sarko is describing you again."|
|Yeah!! Just like we did|
|At a Pak seconds store - Hmm..I will pay you three donkeys for this one|
|Message to FBI after the agency ignored warnings given by two of Headley's three wives on his links with Lashkar|
|Kalmadi's sons celebrate the end of CWG|
Saturday, October 16, 2010
|The game is up for Kalmadi|
in more ways than one
Humor Unplugged has learnt that the Prime Minister’s Office has directed the investigating agencies to close the investigation soon so that the culprits can be punished at the earliest. Chile has indicated that while it is more than eager to accommodate the Indian request, it cannot keep the mine open for long. Sources say that Chilean government has asked its Indian counterpart to give a concrete time frame by which the culprits will be handed over to Chilean authorities for disposal. “Keeping this in mind the PM has asked all agencies to wind up the investigation rapidly and try the accused in a fast track court over a week. Once the guilty verdict is out as per our expectations, the guilty will be flown to Chile and thrown into the mine. The opening will then be sealed with a mix of plastic and fly ash,” our source said.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
“It is positvely the ill effects of man’s negative influence on climate and there are no two ways about it. With the rise in global temperature especially in the tropic, the metabolic rate of human beings also goes up and the result is a net increase in the amount of energy available and if it is not channeled for any good purpose, the effect will only be disastrous. I have always maintained that we cannot play around with nature and today, the results are there for all to see and I am extremely dissappointed. You saw that guy who was tearing his shirt...why do you think that was happening? Even the governor was not immune to the illeffects of global warming,” said Venkaiah Naidu before driving away in his gas guzzling SUV
Congress spokesperson Manish Tiwari was equally at ease in holding anthropogenic climate change responsible for the drama enacted by legislators. “The disgraceful behavior exhibited by these elected leaders should be considered as an irrefutable proof of the distance we have covered in spoiling our home planet. No single party can be blamed for what happened on that day as we are all responsible. If global warming continues to march ahead at the same pace, we can expect tempers to soar and more nasty fights to follow in the days to come. We have to act now to put an end to mankind’s role in furthering global warming,” Tiwary said.
While other newspapers and blogs were busy condeming the incident, Humor Unplugged decided to investigate the latest excuse cited by two penny politicians from both sides. Our investigation led us to a climate expert called Dr Hammerschmidst, who had written a paper on the increasing instances of legislators across the world indulging in shamefull behavior and its connection with the increasing concentration of greenhouse gasses in the atomosphere.
Humor Unplugged tracked the climate expert to a small climate station in Dehra Dun and had a chat with him. Hammerschmidst’s research shows that while there were a handful of incidents per 100 legislators in the earliest documented parliament in the year 930, the same rose to almost 140 by the year 2000. “The biggest incident then was of a legislator stealing a horse from the house of a fellow legislator in the year 930. The incident ended in an apology and nothing happened. Moving ahead if you look at this graph, you will clearly see that with increasing concentration of Carbon Dioxide, the instances of leigislators losing their cool has also gone up and if my predictions come true, we will have one fight somewhere in the world every minute by 2040.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
|A tribute to Suresh Kalmadi and his achievements|
|Chinese navy vessel|
|Attey Dal ka Bhav|
|This can happen only in China|
|Pakistan - USA's irreplaceable ally in the war on terror|
|The 'Unfair Advantage'|
|Pic of the week: trying to catch the sun :)|
Saturday, October 9, 2010
* Conditions apply
- These rates are independent of other privileges available and offers made on 'merit'
- Legislators can be purchased or sold at rates over and above the ones mentioned here
- In case of urgency such as a vote of confidence, these rates will be considered as the baseline price
- Karnataka MPs are the most expensive legislators in the country at the moment
- Bids made via hawala channels will also be entertained
- If legislators are to be purchased at rates above the one mentioned above, payments can be made in installments within a time period of not more than a year
Here are the categories and the winners
Definitely a fixed match award – Pakistan Vs Australia; winner Pakistan
Best cheeky behavior before a fixed match award – joint winners - Salman Butt and Mohammad Amir the day before Sydney test. (Salman Butt and Mohammad Amir were acting jubilant and cheeky in an Ed Hardy store while clad in ‘fluorescent apparel’. Both were drinking branded and bottled Ed Hardy water and were joking around, parading clothes to their teammates)
Best bookie in a televised role - Mazhar Majeed
Steve Bucknor Memorial Ignoranamous award- winner Ricky Ponting for saying that he did not believe that the Sydney test was fixed
Best anonymous fixing effort – joint winners ‘a dynamic Sri Lankan batsman’ and a ‘famous Australian batsman’
Best group fixing effort – winners – 27 players and an official who fixed matches during IPL 2 in South Africa
Best fixing effort (individual) – Kamran Khatmal, Sydney test
Ostrich award for ignorance – winner ICC president Sharad Pawar
Dodo unit award - winner ICC's Anti-Corruption and Security Unit
The ‘I can get some cheap publicity from this and get into Big Boss’ award- winner Veena Malik
Certified wimp award - Mohammad Aamir for tuning approver
“I would have made half the Indian side walk back to the pavilion within 20 runs in both the innings and would have made atleast 3 Aussie batsmen score centuries. ICC would have backed me up and we could have hushed the whole thing behind a veil of Aussie cricket supremacy. I should have been the umpire for this series,” Bucknor said.
Claiming that the Aussies were his favorite side Bucknor said “they have always paid me on time. The money comes to my account even before the match ends in a victory for them. In fact, on many occasions Ricky (Ponting) used to walk up to me and say I should be the man of the match for my unsurpassed contribution. He is one guy who understands the value of my contribution and never questioned my commitment to helping Australia holding on to the number one position in all forms of the game”.
Bucknor also said that the downfall of Australian team was directly linked to his retirement. So what has he been upto post retirement? Bucknor is planning to open a ‘bad umpiring’ academy for all aspiring Bucknors out there. “This academy will raise and nurture the next generation of Bucknors who will help Australia become the number one test team in the future,” Bucknor said sipping coffee from a mug gifted to him by Ricky after he essayed a series of howlers to help Australia win a crucial test against India down under.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: You have messed around enough with the future of your country. Why this sudden desire to return to Pakistan?
Pervez Musharraf : Tell me one thing. When did Pakistan have a future? When we became independent, suddenly we realized that we wont be able to survive as a nation and that we needed a cause to sustain our existence and fool the ordinary citizen into believing that we do have something to stay together for and that is how the Kashmir issue was born and then we had wars with India and now we have this these floods along with donkey-riding Mullahs threatening our very existence. We never had a future Rajcreep so it doesn’t make any difference whatsoever and everyone is busy enjoying the present. So I also thought I could come back and continue my good work.
Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: Good work? The only reason Pakistan survived as a nation during your tenure is 9-11. That is when US played a double game and recruited your country as a bogus ally in the so called war on terror.
Pervez Musharraf: Look, lets not go into the past. Because it is not worth pondering and there are better things to do. I will start from a scratch all over again this time. And by the way I know quite a lot about your past too which could land you in trouble.
Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: Like?
Pervez Musharraf: Like that hazel eyed PYT journo from NYT with whom you had a brief fling during the Agra Summit when I was addressing the press conference. You think such things escape my attention? I had seen you guys…
Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: Let me change the topic.
Pervez Musharraf: With pleasure.
Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: How is it like being retired. Do you miss your uniform?
Pervez Musharraf: Do I? I do. I almost felt like I was in my birthday suit till quite sometime after I shed the uniform. You see I used to do everything in my uniform. In fact I even used to sleep in it which is the reason why most of the times my wife used to make me sleep on the couch in our living room or in extreme cases with our pet dog in his dog house. My uniform had all kinds of stains on it including pedegree. But its not been all that bad either. In the last two years I have spend much time on improving my counting abilities. I can now count upto the number 9 and that is indeed a remarkable achievement. I mean imagine when my wife wasn’t around and I had to give clothes to the dhobi, it was quite tough. I used to take pics of each piece of cloth using my mobile and compare it with the lot that came back after washing and ironing to ensure that nothing went missing. Else my wife would have made me sleep in the neighbors doghouse, when she returned.
Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: How different is managing Pakistan army from managing Pakistan?
Pervez Musharraf:Not at all different. There are more politicians and businessmen inside the Pak army than outside it.
Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: All Pakistan Muslim League that’s what your party will be called. What will it do?
Pervez Musharraf: We will do all good things. Milk the USA for more money, continue the fight with India on Kashmir, interfere in our neighbors business, send terrorists into other countries, indulge in clandestine nuclear proliferation, continue facilitating opium trade via our territory, deepen our engagement with China and North Korea and last but not least, channel more money into my Swiss bank account.
Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: Give me one reason to believe that you will be elected this time.
Pervez Musharraf: Do you know what these elections are called?
Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: Pakistani General elections?
Pervez Musharraf: Spot on. What do you think they mean when they say General election? It means electing the General and who do you think is the General here? (starts laughing uncontrollably, falls from his chair and passes out).