Jet pilot was eyeing Kingfisher air hostess: Mallya

Kingfisher Airlines chairman Vijay Mallya has asked union civil aviation minister Praful Patel to direct his ministry to strict action against rival airline for what he called ‘nondiscretionary transgression’. The demand was made at a closed door meeting held in the national capital on Saturday evening after a Jet Airways with 122 passengers on board hit a stationary Kingfisher plane while it was being pushed back at the International airport in Mumbai.

As soon as Mallya made this allegation, Patel’s assistants scampered and ran like headless chickens to fetch a dictionary. After a hour long wait, when the meaning of the words were finally deciphered, Patel asked Mallya to chill and have beer while he ascertains the facts of the case and the DGCA report comes in. But Mallya would have none of it “In the past also, many Jet Airways pilots have had ‘near misses’ with our air hostess outside their aircraft and it ain’t funny anymore as now they are trying to do it from their cockpit. It is not the just the repair costs that are worrying me. Have you any idea how much effort we put into selecting and training these air hostesses,” asked Mallya.

Air India air hostess are trained
to handle all kinds of goons

Patel meanwhile came up with a suggestion for Mallya. “Why don’t you hire some of the overweight 50-year old air hostess from Air India? I mean that should solve the problem. The Jet Airways guys won’t try and make passes at these ladies and besides they are good at their job so you won’t have any reason for whining. If a Jet Airways pilot even makes an accidental pass at one of them, he will be reduced to pilot pulp in a matter of seconds. That should teach these rogue pilots a lesson,” Praful said.    

Kingfisher air hostesses

Mallya however was as non committal as Deepika Padukone. “Look, my airline has been in the red in the true sense for a while now and I cannot afford to increase my fuel costs by flying these guys right now. There is a positive side to your suggestion but I don’t think I can implement it at this juncture,” Mallya said.

Mamta Banerjee returning after teaching
a legislator some 'manners'

Praful then came up with another idea “why don’t you hire some bouncers from those pubs in Bangalore and let them handle these air goons? That should solve the problem don’t you think? Also in case the Jet Airways pilots continue their misdemeanor, we have the option of using the last resort available- to deploy Mamta Banerjee. So don't worry your beer off..I will take care of this” Patel said.  “I think that is indeed a good suggestion. I will hire one for every flight in routes where Jet flies goony pilots. Thanks for all the help. I will send in extra copies of the Kingfisher calendar for you this year”. Mallya left after a few minutes.

All attempts to elicit a response from Jet proved futile. We got an Out of Patience reply from their spokesperson in Mumbai.