Showing posts from January, 2009

Chandrayaan III payload identified: ISRO

India’s premier space research organization has announced that it will be sending a one way cargo to earth’s nearest celestial neighbor in 2015 as part of the the third phase of Project Moon. Indian government has already approved the payload and asked ISRO to work towards dispatching the same at the earliest.

Chandrayan III will carry a consignment of goons and hoodlums from Shri Ram Sena and MNS. Also on board will be Indian Idle contest winner Raj Thackrey and 2500 year old monolith and head of Sri Ram Sena Pramod Nutalik. “Indian people have already declared these idiots as persona non grata and we are pleased to help our fellow citizens in disposing this garbage,” ISRO spokesperson told this blogger.

The Government approval for disposing these nutcases came late Friday evening. This blogger has learnt that the team at ISRO has been asked by the government to expedite the disposal. “We have had enough of these anti national buffoons who are intellectual and social illiterates and …

Goons celebrate their own republic day...

Another Republic Day, a chance for the nation to exhibit its military might, ethnic diversity and scientific progress. While all this was on, a group of freaks were conducting a parallel Depublic day. These guys had managed to display a set of tableau showcasing their biggest achievements. Our correspondent was present at the event and managed to capture a glimpse of these tableaus heres the exclusive.

The Ramalingaraju tableau: Depicts the deposed Satyam chief doling out fake fixed deposit forms and siphoning money into boxes marked Maytas Infra and Maytas Properties. In the background one can see blindfolded executives of PwC happily accepting a cheque for 4.3 crores.

The MNS tableau: shows MNS chief Raj thrashing an Indian from the North. In one corner one can see his party activists destroying property and burning taxis belonging to migrants.

The Mamta Banherjee Tableau: Shows the TMC chief on fast in one corner of the tableau. In another corner, there are educated unemployed youth…

China is manipulating the Yuan

The Chinese are at it again. After indulging in clandestine nuclear proliferation, arming terrorists in India’s North-East, supporting Jamat-ul-Dawa and terrorizing its own citizens, China is now mastering currency manipulation. Our correspondent Current Taper caught up with Yukk Thoo Chin, Yuan Manipulation Manager in the state fudge department.

CT: It is pretty clear that you guys are manipulating the value of Yuan to gain an unfair advantage as far as trade is concerned.

YC: So? Why do people have a problem with everything we do? They are alleging that we were adding lead to our toys, melamine to milk and fudging figures to present a rosy picture of our economy. Let me be frank; what we have is a very ineffective government. We haven’t even been able to make Pandas mate when we tried the straight way. So we need to find out alternative ways to get things done.

CT: By hook or by crook, eh?

YC: Yup, just like we tricked the Pandas, we are now fooling the world.

CT: How did u trick the …

Pakistan wants a FTA-Free Terror Agreement

Pakistan has asked all SAARC nations to sign a Free Terror Agreement to help terrorists travel freely within the region. Sherry Rehman, the Pakistani information minister made this request after reports of two Pakistani terrorists being shot in the Indian capital started trickling in.

“We are not asking for heaven here. We are just asking all nations in South Asia to behave like Pakistan and make life easier for these Jihadis. Pakistan has already done away with the passport system for militants and allows them to travel on the documents issued by their parent organizations and ISI,” Rehman said in Karachi on Sunday.

When reminded that the terrorists shot dead by Indian forces were having valid Pakistani passports, Rehman said that there could be aberrations from the established processes, but all nations should support Pakistan in helping these Jihadis. “A Free Terror Agreement will help do away with all forms of paperwork to help terrorists travel without any documentation and re…

Satyam's connection with ICC

Geff Harsh is the guy behind the latest ICC rankings that placed our very own Chota Don Tendulkar at a measly 26 position among all time great players. Our correspondent met the geek and came back with interesting dope on his background.

BM: Dude, what’s with the rankings? How dare you give such a low rank to such a great cricketer?

GH: Whats wrong? I mean we have followed strictly laid down rules that I have myself framed to ensure that the rankings are based on scientific processes and mathematical calculations that render the whole thing watertight. I have a history of framing such rules. Infact in my previous role, I was with a world famous auditor.

BM : Who is this auditor?

GH: Its PricewaterHouse Bloopers. I was managing the Satyam account for them.

BM: Oh, is it? Then you must be privy to what happened in that company, right?

GH: Yeah, I remember Mr Raju used to come with nearly 100 fixed deposit receipts daily to show me. I used to see so many bank names which I never knew exist…

Taliban to organize international marathon in Swat valley

In a move designed to declare their complete control over Swat in Pakistan, the Taliban has decided to organize an international marathon in the valley. The marathon, to be organized in the first week of February, will feature terrorists from over 30 countries.

Al Qaeeda has already agreed to sponsor the event and sent terrorists from its affiliates. “We have also asked ISI to participate; after all ISI is our mother organization. We are not clear as to who the father is and will get back to you as soon as we find that out,” a self styled spokesperson for Taliban said in Bajaur on Friday.

The marathon will allow participants to blow themselves up at various points and there will be prizes for the best self detonation attempt. “These guys can also take a shot at various historic monuments along the scenic marathon route.There will be extra points for guys who blow up historic stuff while running. Which is why we will be providing each runner with enough ammo,” the spokesperson said.


Mamta and Raj joint winners of Indian Idle 2008

The race that began in Sept 2008 to identify the most-hated Indian on the planet has now ended. MNS chief Raj Thackery and TMC leader Mamta Banherjee were declared as the joint winners of Indian Idle 2008 in a glittering ceremony organized in Mumbai on Saturday.

The contest that started with 14 contestants had just 5 contestants in the final round including Deve Gowda family, Rajat Sharma and the fashion conscious former home minister Shivaraj Patil. Each contestant was grilled extensively by a jury comprising Shotgun Sinha, Javed Akhtar, Mahesh Rut and the jumping jack anchor Arnab Goatsawme.

In the Irritation round, each contender was asked to something irritating. Raj Thackerey immediately gave a ring to his supporters who barged into the sets of the show and thrashed Javed Akhtar to a pulp alleging he was a North Indian. Mamta Banherjee went on a hunger strike, while Shivaj Patil exploded a cracker outside the building and changed his dress three times before issuing a template st…

Scamdog millionaire: the movie

In a first of its kind move designed to punish Ramalinga Raju and other perpetrators of the Satyam fraud, Mahesh Rut has decided to direct a movie on the scam. The movie tentatively called Scamdog millionaire, will hit the floors soon with a star cast comprising the worst hammers from Bollywood and national politics.

“I am directing this movie to punish the fraudsters and to give them a message,” Rut said. “At this point of time my priority is to get the movie out before people forget the whole thing. The script can be finalized after the shooting is over, as I often do,” Rut added.

Among others, the movie will star Himrun Chaseme, Dino Sorea, Mamta Banherjee and Mayawathi in key roles. “This film will not be a biopic I will add the usual stuff like songs, dances, alien encounters and fight sequences. But the movie will be as close to reality as possible and we will spare no attempt in this regard,” Rutt said.

Rut plans to shoot the movie in Raju’s village where people still consider …

Ramlinga Raju family to open educational institute

The family of deposed Satyam chairman Ramalinga Raju has decided to start a new educational institute in honor of the most famous member of their clan. The family, according to sources, hopes the institution will help churn out more Rajus who will wreck havoc on the national and global economy in the future.

“This B (bogus) school will be producing world class MBAs and by MBA I mean Master of Bogus Administration, a art that was institutionalized by the likes of Harshad Mehta, Nick Leeson and the folks at Enron,” a family member told our correspondent Rajcreep on gmail chat. “I am pained by the fact that we have only managed to touch 7000 crores; we need more Rajus who can swindle 50000 crores and go scot free. I have been told that no school can create a Raju or a Mehta and I am going to prove them wrong,” he added.

The Rajus haven’t zeroed in on the location for the school. But queries on the courses and the school have already started pouring in. “I have had calls from PriceWateredH…

ISI welcomes David Miliband’s statement

British Foreign Minister David Miliband’s statement about Pakistan not having to extradite 26-11 suspects has been welcomed by ISI.

“This is a very positive statement and we will definitely reciprocate,” ISI chief. Shuja Pasha said in Karachi on Tuesday. He went on to say that the certified Al Qaeeda partner in Pakistan will try and reduce the number of militants sent to UK this fiscal if that country were to make such noises in future.

According to sources, ISI affiliated and supported terror groups send almost 300 terrorists on various visas to UK every year. This year, ISI wanted to raise the number of sleeper cells in UK from 78 to 112 but, owing to recession, the organization has scaled down its plans and this move will reduce the number further.

“We are in the process of redeploying the trained militants on other missions as of now as the UK ones are proving to be too expensive and we simply afford them anymore. We do not, I repeat, do not want to layoff any trained terroris…

Worse airports=secure airports

Civil Aviation minister Praful Patel on India having three of the worst airports in the world.

RS: Chhatrapati Shivaji International Airport, Mumbai, at No. 1, Indira Gandhi International Airport, New Delhi, at No. 2 and Bengaluru International Airport (BIA), Bangalore, at No. 4. Whats wrong with the picture?

PP: Nothing.

RS: What? We have three of the worst airports in the world. Why isn’t the ministry doing something about it? What are you waiting for?

PP: This is part of our larger plans to make our airports more secure.

RS: What? How?

PP: You see when terrorists come through sea, the ride is so comfortable and safe. You just land on the shore, get your ammunition out and head to your target. But we at the civil aviation ministry want to frustrate the terrorists. You see by delaying flights, long check in lines and poor infrastructure, the terrorists will lose their enthusiasm and simply give up or commit some mistake that will expose them.

RS: But what about individual aircraft? Aren’t …

China may grant asylum to Ramlinga Raju

Disgraced promoter-chairman of Satyam, Ramalinga Raju may be granted asylum by China, if some reports emerging from Beijing are to be believed. Chinese news agency Xinhua quoting a top government official has reported that the Chinese government was actively considering a proposal to bring Raju to china and employ him.

“We have been following the case very closely and feel that Mr. Raju has tremendous potential and want to explore all options. The Chinese government thrives on fudging records and data on all aspects of governance and we are certain that Mr. Raju will be a valuable asset to us for furthering this cause,” the unnamed Chinese government official told Xinhua. “This guy has managed to fool so many people including folks from PWC and we are really keen on having him in our team,” the official added.

According to analysts, most figures doled out by the Chinese government on treasury, GDP growth, exports etc are all inflated. The Chinese government goes all out to ensure that…

Govt to control nosey anchors

In a move designed to prevent anchors from going overboard on national television, the ministry of misinformation and fraudcasting has decided to bring in a new law to regulate anchor behavior. According to a release issued on Saturday, the ministry was seriously contemplating a new law to control fidgety anchors and weird content.

“We have heard a lot about such anchors. The other day one of them was jumping on his desk, while his female colleague was making strange noises and giving strange stares to the guests. Needless to say, the guests and the audience were terrified,” minister for misinformation and fraudcasting told this blogger.

In the last few years, intensifying competition has bred a new generation of news anchors who are very aggressive, fidgety and nosey. This breed has taken over many news channels and are displaying deviant behavior on live TV that is having an adverse impact on the viewers.

This blogger has learnt that the new law would prevent anchors from displaying…

Ramsay brothers to launch news channel

Ramsay bros, the production house holding the world record for churning out the maximum number of horror movies, has decided to bid farewell to bollywood and start a news channel. The decision was taken at a meeting chaired by daddy Ramsay in Mumbai recently.

“Till recently we used to have an audience that used to laugh at some of our movies. Now, people go hysterical. One of the audience members even told me that I should start making comedy movies rather than the horror ones”, daddy Ramsay said. Sources told this blogger that with terrorist strikes, recession, downturns and cost cutting grabbing primetime in news channels, many people were getting their quota of horror from the idiot box itself.

Junior Ramsay agrees. “The other day someone had a heart attack watching a news channel where the anchor was acting like he was on fire. We live in times where people are more afraid of terrorists and news channel anchors than ghosts. In fact people are ready to live in haunted houses but c…

Has 26-11 changed India? Find out

We spoke to a cross section of Indian citizens (and a Pakistani) to find out how life has changed after 26-11.

Astrologer: Earlier people used to come to me with their personal problems you life, career etc. Nowadays, they call me and ask…will I return home today? Which are the places to avoid? Where will the bomb go off today? There is paranoia all around…

Teacher: My students are asking me not to teach the usual stuff like chemical formula of salicylic acid, benzene’s ring structure etc. They now want me to teach them how to dodge bombs, what to do in case of an explosion and how to detect a chemical attack.

News channel anchor: we have created separate sections to manage news reports related to bomb blasts, indiscriminate firing, grenade attack etc. You see we have so many such incidents happening on a regular basis that we felt the need to have specialized teams managing the related news reports.

Government official: I have asked my boss to allow me to work from home. Si…

Meet Inter Services Intelligence's brand manager

Kamran Khatmal heads the branding division at the Inter Services Intelligence. In this capacity, he is responsible for naming and renaming over 70 terrorist organizations affiliated to the ISI and Al Qaeeda operating in Pakistan and elsewhere. Rajcreep spoke to the man on his duties and workload. Here’s the story of the ISI’s very own brand man.

RS: What exactly do you do, as a brand manager?

KK: you see ISI has over 70 different terror groups operating under its umbrella. Every now and then a new group is created or an existing one renamed due to a ban. During such times, they approach my team to name or rename a group and we are the ones who suggest the names after checking with our regional and global databases. We don’t want two organizations to have the same names; neither do we want a new organization to be named after a banned one.

RS: It must indeed be a tough role…

KK: When I joined in 1990, we just had 3 groups spreading terror in Kashmir. Today we have groups operating in over …

Aussie SOS to ICC: Bring Bucknor back

Australian skipper Ricky Ponting has asked the International Cricket Council to have umpiring clown Steve Bucknor officiate all the matches played by Australia. The skipper was addressing the media after his team was 2-0 down in the test series against rivals South Africa.

“We were the number one team in the world when Bucknor was around. He did a fantastic job by giving wrong decisions and even helped us bring pressure on other teams by mocking them. We really miss him,” Ponting said. Ponting went on to add that the Australian Cricket Board had already paid millions in bribe and Aussie citizenship to Bucknor and was not in a position to ‘purchase’ any more umpires. He attributed the recent slump in the national team performance to the lack of ‘bribe funds’ in the ACBs kitty.

The disgraced skipper urged ICC to bring Bucknor back at the earliest and extend funds to the ACB to purchase some of the umpires. “Else you will see us losing more often and soon we will be competing with Banglade…