China is manipulating the Yuan

The Chinese are at it again. After indulging in clandestine nuclear proliferation, arming terrorists in India’s North-East, supporting Jamat-ul-Dawa and terrorizing its own citizens, China is now mastering currency manipulation. Our correspondent Current Taper caught up with Yukk Thoo Chin, Yuan Manipulation Manager in the state fudge department.


CT: It is pretty clear that you guys are manipulating the value of Yuan to gain an unfair advantage as far as trade is concerned.

YC: So? Why do people have a problem with everything we do? They are alleging that we were adding lead to our toys, melamine to milk and fudging figures to present a rosy picture of our economy. Let me be frank; what we have is a very ineffective government. We haven’t even been able to make Pandas mate when we tried the straight way. So we need to find out alternative ways to get things done.

CT: By hook or by crook, eh?

YC: Yup, just like we tricked the Pandas, we are now fooling the world.

CT: How did u trick the Pandas?

YC: We found out that they were using condoms…we just poked tiny holes in them…(starts laughing and falls from his chair). You should have seen the look on the face of the male panda when he heard that he was about to become a dad…the guy nearly fainted. The zoo dude who made all this possible is now working in my team and believe me he is an asset.

CT: How long can you do this?

YC: The pandas haven’t found our little secret yet.

CT: No, not the pandas. Yuan will sooner or later stabilize or settle at its actual value and then you what will you do?

YC: We will find other means to manipulate the currency. You see we have a backup plan by which we circulate fake currency inside our country when the Yuan rises uncontrollably and then pull them back into the treasury when the value of Yuan falls below the safe limit.

CT: What’s the logic behind printing fake currency officially?

YC: Its fun and comes with more deniability. These notes are printed specially and sometimes things do go wrong. Like once we printed a Yuan note displaying Deng Xiaoping wearing Walt Disney shorts. The entire team handling the notes just vanished after that and no one ever saw or heard from them again. Even Pakistan gets its currency printed here.

CT: What?

YC: Yes and everytime they print their currency, they also place an order for an equivalent amount of fake Indian currency. The guy carrying this back to Pakistan actually goes via Nepal. He drops the fake Indian currency there before moving on to Pakistan.