Showing posts from June, 2008

Relationship 2.0 is here

In a move designed to please nerds and other busy folks around the world, mother nature has announced that the definition of relationships will soon be expanded to cover technology-based relationships. It may be noted that so far long distance liaisons, sustained over phone calls, chat and other ‘artificial’ means of communication, were not recognized by nature as ‘relationship’. With this new move however, all that is expected to change.

Elaborating on the decision, self-appointed nature spokesperson Fakenaka Gandhi said that the conventional type of relationship, needing physical proximity between folks, had outgrown its utility and that people were now asking for more. “In this era of communications at the speed of thought, human bonds were suffering due to distances created by geography and time that created much discomfort for folks. Nature has now accepted long distance relationships and has assured that future generations of human beings will be able to do the unthinkable (bree…

Indian politicians rule the “tragic quadrant”

Politicians in India have just got another reason to celebrate. The internationally renowned publication Cartner has just placed them in the “pests” category in the Tragic Quadrant for leadership.

The Tragic Quadrant is a graphical representation of the global leadership landscape. It depicts Cartner’s analysis of how the political leadership in various countries measure against criteria such as competence, vision, capabilities, strategic thinking etc.

The magazine places Indian politicians in the same league as their counterparts from Sudan, Nigeria, Zimbabwe etc. This means that the Indian “leaders” are second to none, when it comes to failed leadership and lack of vision. According to the magazine, the occupants of the “pests” category” can take their country and countrymen to oblivion, and wipe out progress within minutes with their selfish and divisive policies.

The magazine goes on to say that the “pests” category politicians cannot do the country any good and countries are bett…

The tragedy of being a superhero :)

So you want to be a superhero? Think again!

Most of us have grown up idolizing superheroes. Guys like Superman, Spiderman and others were always in a league of extraordinary folks who fight all that is wrong with powers to kill for. But are they really as invulnerable as they seem?

An oft concealed aspect of our superheroes is their personal lives. Most of these uniformed crusaders have a sad/tragic personal life behind them and it almost seems like their respective alter egos offer a chance to escape from it all. Take Spiderman for instance. In spite of having powers for a good length of time, the dude is yet to come to terms with his transformation from a normal college dude to spidey. His best friend hates Spiderman and holds him responsible for his dad’s death. Spidey is also unable to understand his relationship with MJ and seems to be suffering from a mild bout of schizophrenia.

For superman, the world is his enemy. A failed and wavering relationship with his girlfriend and lac…

These folks should not mate

Genetic engineering has allowed scientists to predict the skills that kids will gain from their parents. A reputed Timbuktoo-based publication carried out a series of tests on various celebs to find out how their progeny will be, if they mate (thank god that didn’t happen). Here are the results…

Bhappi Lahiri and Jayalalitha: Adnan Sami will be the result.

Emran Hashmi and Britney spears: The kid will never need a vacuum cleaner.

Amartya Sen and Naomi Campbell: the kid will assault all those who oppose his economic theories.

The alien from the movie predator and a rhesus monkey: Andrew Symonds will be born

Rip Wan Winkle and a common weasel: Devil Gowda

Saurav Ganguly and Jayalalitha: The kid will probably look like David Boon

Mess Wadia and Mandira Bedi: A TV commentator who wears noodle strap you know whats and follows cricketers everywhere.

Shobha de and Vikram Seth: The kid will become Khuswant Singh one day.

Bhajji and Simi Grewal: A talk show host who will slap his guests afte…

Funny groups

We have all heard of associations and lobby groups, formed by like-minded individuals to achieve various objectives. This week we present some such groups from the other side. You will never hear about them, nor will you ever meet a member as these dudes are more secretive than the free masons.

Traffic Jam Lovers Association (TJLA): a collection of folks who believe that traffic jams should be encouraged for whatever reasons. Members are expected to drive on congested roads and feign breakdown and ensure that the roads stay clogged for hours. These dudes have appointed Rahul Dravid AKA Jammie (without his consent) as their brand ambassador.

Celeb Blog Commentary Association (CBCA): a group of really busy people whose only job is to post comments on celeb blogs. This group is affiliated with another group that meticulously tracks global celeb adoptions.

Manhole Cover Aficionado Association (MCAA): members believe that the manhole cover is mankind’s single biggest invention and that a…

Fraud asana

This week we discover some of the strange asanas (yoga postures) that are being practiced in some parts of the world.

Bachpan asana: Part of this asana can be done online through blogs. Start with a 3 crore paycheck for writing 3 lines a month, cribbing about your professional rivals.

Dubya Asana: This asana should be performed with an empty brain. Begin by deliberately mispronouncing common English terms and create your own vocabulary. Ensure visibility in the press by issuing irrelevant statements and lead your country into a bogus war. Do continuously for eight years, till the national economy enters recession and unemployment hits an all time high, then quit.

Devil Gowda Asana: To do this asana, become a national leader by hook or crook, occupy last benches of Lok Sabha and enter into a deep slumber every time a debate on an issue of national importance is taken up. Next ensure that your family and friends get petrol bunks and promote your family interests, whenever you can. Ignorin…

Funny musharaf interview

Gen. Musharaf, the president of Pakistan, has been in the news recently. With the new regime tightening the noose around his neck, the dude is now in a tight spot. Our correspondent Bhakra Dutt traveled to Islamabad recently and caught up with the general. Here’s the exclusive interview.

Bhakra Dutt: What’s with the ‘I am not a vegetable’ bit?

Mush: these days people are calling me so many things and so I have to deny everything in advance. Since I cannot read all media reports and respond to each and every catcall individually, I have decided to be proactive and deny everything in anticipation. So no one has called me a vegetable so far; but, I am sure they will soon.

Bhakra Dutt: You have claimed that the democratic forces in Pakistan are humiliating you. Can you elaborate?

Mush: These days they are trying to cut me down to size. I have the ruling coalition ministers calling me and asking me to repair their plumbing, mind their kids, water their plants, take their pets out for walk, do …

Funny Indian cuisine

Indian cuisines offer much variety to the discerning foodie. From the icy mountains of Kashmir to the windy sun-kissed beaches of Kanyakumari, each area has its own enviable range of culinary delights. These dishes are redolent of the climate of various regions and deliver a veritable gastronomic experience to the gourmet. But such specialties are not available on our menu. We are instead focusing on a set of selected dishes that do not fall in any one of the above categories and can easily be passed off as repulsive fare. So without any further ado, we present a collection of such dishes found exclusively in our country.

Aam Admi bhartha (Mashed common man)

Common man
Fuel price hike
Tax hike
Hike in cooking gas prices
Pathetic infrastructure
Lack of governance

Take the common man, subject him to fuel price hike and mash him with a steep hike in cooking gas prices. Roast over pathetic infrastructure and then Sauté over constant tax hikes. Mix thoroughly and add de…

When success strikes

How do you know that you have finally made it? How can you know for sure? Read on and find out.

You have made it if:

1) Your fav vacation spot is in space
2) You are paid 3 crore to write 3 lines cribbing about your professional rivals
3) George Bush blames your food habits for the rising global food prices
4) A new style is born every time you meet your hair stylist
5) Your list of girl friends used to include Carla Bruni
6) Your effigies are costlier than a Litre of petrol
7) You can actually tank up on fuel every single day
8) Your personal staff travel by their own Airbus
9) The commies call you a “good-for-nothing capitalist
10) Mahesh Bhat makes a movie on your 10th cousin’s affair with a supermodel