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Showing posts from April, 2012

Arnab Goswami `creates ruckus at T3 of Indira Gandhi Airport

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Times Now Editor in Chief Arnab Goswami created a minor ruckus at Terminal 3 of Indira Gandhi International Airport last week, according to eyewitness reports.

The drama began when Arnab wanted to use the lounge restroom before his flight to UK. Unfortunately for him, a part of the building was under repair and there was only one functioning restroom in the entire lounge and that was occupied by some guy. Being the gentleman that Arnab is, he waited for nearly half an hour, before his patience took a break.

Waving a few magazines outside the restroom door, Arnab said “Mr restroom occupier, the documents in possession of Times Now show beyond doubt that you have been occupying this room for over half an hour or even more. Isn’t this an issue of impropriety? Is probity in public life simply a pebble that can be conveniently thrown over a random target? Isn’t this an issue of private gain over greater public good? Isn’t this an issue of meaningless shenanigans essayed over hapless publi…

Wolverine seems to be missing Mayawati

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Dare to think beyond ICBMs: Arindam Chaudhuri

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Buoyed by the success of Agni V, pony tailed disaster Arindam Chaudhuri today announced that he will soon launch a pilot project to develop what he calls a ‘people’s missile’.

“Our tagline will be ‘dare to think beyond ICBMs’ and our missile will have course material from IIPM’s award winning, globally recognised and placement guaranteed courses as payload. In addition there will be my soundbites on Indian economy, a wooden laptop and CDs of ‘Rok Sako toh Rok Lo’ to torture the enemy. We will charge them for the laptop and course material separately. It is a sure fire plan that we have conceived and there is no way we will fail,” Chaudhuri said.

Chaudhuri claimed that in the larger scheme of things, his missile was much better than an ICBM since the payload is more lethal. The missile will be test fired sometime in December this year after UGC issues a warning to students to stay away from IIPM for the 35th time.

On hearing the news, a Chinese foreign ministry spokesperson said “We …

Judge grants divorce to lady in a forced Facebook 'Like' case

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In a first of its type case, a Silchar HC judge has granted divorce to a woman who was often forced by her husband to like every Facebook update posted by him.

The judgement came after a marathon session that began at 9 am and ended with the judge granting divorce at 5 pm. Both sides traded accusations and allegations with the husband claiming that his wife was having affairs with multiple men since she used to press the ‘Like’ button generously for updates posted by them, but not him.

The wife on the other hand said that her husband would force her to like his silly updates which included a morphed picture of Mamata Banerjee dressed up as Wonder Woman. The judge was aghast when he heard this. “How can a sane person do this? You are imagining a blunder woman as Wonder Woman? This is travesty of sanity and represents utter lack of sensitivity. I mean Wonder Woman was my idol when I was growing up and I used to imagine her saving me from the evil and tyrannical Bogey Man. Wonder Woman …

Mamata Banerjee's cat in trouble for hobnobbing with commie cat

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Reports trickling in from Kolkata suggest an imminent danger to the life of Mamata Banerjee's pet Chandrabali. The feline had apparently angered West Bengal CM by dating an unidentified commie cat staying in the neighbourhood. 
When informed about the transgression, an angry Mamata dispatched her errant boy Derek o' Brien to locate the cat which had allegedly eloped with the commie cat and bring her to the queen of Bengal. With great difficulty Derek managed to catch  Chandrabali which had by then scratched him so much that he looked like Simi Garewal’s right hand in winter.

The scared and palpitating cat was repeatedly threatened by Mamata to stay away from communists, much to the dismay of kitty right activists in Kolkata. Mamata has also transferred Kolkata’s police commissioner for not informing her about the incident earlier.

It may be remembered that Mamata had issued a diktat to all her party members to stay away from all types of communists.  Informed sources have to…

Zero loss

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10 things about Zardari’s India visit you didn’t know

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• He will leave from Karachi coast in a rubber dingy and on reaching Indian territorial waters highjack a small boat which will be used to reach Mumbai coast where he will dock. (This is the easiest way of entering India and Zardari’s entourage will be accompanied by Hafiz Saeed’s men who know the route well)

• Zardari’s office has requested the Indian government to serve him the famed Kasab menu including Hyderabadi biriyani (Some pak terrorists are desperate to sneak into India to enjoy the royal treatment meted out to them here in Indian jails)

• Indian Express editor Shekhar Gupta has been notified about the impending visit – lest he publish another fake story proclaiming another coup, this time in Pakistan with Zardari seeking asylum in India.

• The Indian government has asked CAG to continue exposing various scams during the visit so that all that scam talk will make the Pak president feel right at home

• A Raja will be allowed to meet Zardari. Raja considers Zardari as his ido…

Unusual movement of lady journo gets Arnab Goswami thrashed – well almost

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Argumentative motormouth and Newshour anchor Arnab’s Goswami nearly missed being thrashed into recyclable protoplasmic waste when his wife came to know of an unauthorised movement of a lady scribe near their house recently.

The chain of events started today morning when Arnab’s wife Pipi Goswami got a call from her intelligence source (her nosy neighbour) about an unauthorised movement of a lady journalist near her house. The neighbour, Papaya Devi, a lookout, was part of a protocol established by Pipi after a similar incident occurred few years back. She called up Pipi and told her that she had seen a lady journo move around in her lawn at 10 pm the night before. Papaya claimed that she was spooked by the lady who according to her was a ‘sizeable unit’ heading suspiciously towards Pipi’s blessed home.

The movement was indeed odd and a cause for curiosity and some concern — because, over the decades, Arnab has been thulped so many times by Pipi for various reasons that his medical in…

US puts a $10m bounty on terrorist; Pak Army moves him to bigger bungalow

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In a clear indication of Pakistan’s continuing commitment to the war on terror, Pakistan has moved Lashkar-e-Taiba chief patron Hafiz Muhammed Saeed to a bigger house just after US placed a $10mn bounty on his head. Sources say that the move is aimed at hiding the 26-11 plotter and ensuring he is placed in a bungalow that is inline with his status as a major terrorist.

“Yesterday evening we received orders to shift Col. Saeed (he is an Honorary Colonel in Pak army) to a bigger house downtown and we moved him promptly under full security. He will be housed in that bungalow till further orders. We have been told that Col. Saeed is now among the biggest terrorists in Pakistan and so we need to take good care of him and ensure that he is hidden well,” a Pak army Major involved in the operation to shift Saeed said.

It remains to be seen if Pakistan Army will accord the same level of security to Saeed that it gave to Osama Bin Laden. As soon as Saeed moved in to the new house, he issued t…

Have not put Sid Mallya up for adoption: Vijay Mallya

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Vijay Mallya spiked rumours claiming that he was unable to afford his son Siddharth Mallya's lavish lifestyle and had put him up for adoption, expecting Angelina Jolie to adopt him.

“No, I have no idea where these rumours are coming from.  Sid is chilling out and blowing away all that bailout money that SBI has pumped into our airline at various pubs. So who says I have put him up for adoption? Besides for now Deepika (Padukone) has already adopted him and is taking care of his transportation and lodging expenses,” Mallya said.

Sources have told Humor Unplugged that on Friday Mallya received a call from Angelina Jolie’s adoption office asking him to forward a detailed profile of Sid so that they could consider Mallya Jr as a potential candidate for adoption. His name was added to a pool of 300 adoption prospects shortlisted by Jolie’s adoption office mid last month.

When Vijay Mallya received the news, the King of Good Times lost his cool and tore three copies of Kingfisher calen…