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Showing posts from December, 2011

Simi Garewal to stress test Indian nuke sites

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Its official, the Indian government has approached fossil nanny Simi Garewal to stress test Indian nuclear installations.

Sources in the Department of Atomic Energy (DAE) have confirmed a rumour we heard the other day regarding deployment of a radiation emitting fossil to test the safety standards of our nuclear installations.

“The decision was made at an emergency meeting convened in November. DAE officials unanimously passed a resolution asking the Indian government to use Simi Garewal to do a through test of various safety parameters at Indian nuclear plants, in wake of what happened at Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant. The Indian government gave its nod to the proposal last week,” our source said.  

So why Simi? “First of all she is the oldest living fossil with Radio carbon studies showing her to be atleast 3000 years old. Simi emits radiation due to some embedded nuclear reactions that are taking place inside her. She emits various ionising radiations and charged particle…

Aishwarya Rai’s first hubby to launch matrimonial site for trees

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The mostly forgotten first husband of new mommy Aishwarya Rai Ficus Bachchan is planning to launch a website that will help people find their botanical better halves.

Not many people know that the serial entrepreneur Ficus is the first legally wedded husband of former Miss World Aishwarya Rai. The two had gotten married after a breezy fairy tale romance few years back. But alas, within a few days of getting married, Aish called off the marriage and declined to even meet her then hubby. Ficus was not given any explanation and was asked to ‘forget the lady for his own good’.

A disappointed Ficus who felt left in the lurch did feel sad and dejected for a few days till he met a new partner who helped him survive the setback. Today, Ficus who is a changed tree wants to help others who are facing a similar predicament. Ficus has tied up VC funding to start a new website for people who want to marry botanical specimens or trees who want to marry human beings. The site tentatively christene…

After banana and cucumber, walnut gets cleric’s goat

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A fatwa has been issued by a leading moth bitten mullah against eating walnuts as it resembles human brain.
An unnamed European Islamic cleric has issued a fatwa against eating walnuts. His contention is that the nut resembles human brain and that induces an inferiority complex in the Jurassic mullah community, since many of them do not posses one.    

“Walnuts should not be eaten. Their consumption is against humanity. This fatwah should remind one and all that brain is not an organ to be used. It is just an appendage and one must just ignore it. We therefore urge all to ignore walnuts and this ladies and gentlemen is the fatwah of the year. Anyone who ignores or disobeys this fatwah will be excommunicated from our community and will not be allowed to come within 100 mts of a desert rat certified mullah. In case of any clarification, we urge you to get in touch with our 24X7 mullah helpline or meet us in Peshawar over the next two weeks or sit on a raw cactus for 2 hours,” the mulla…

Good bye 2011...

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Looking back at 2011...for the last time...







Kim Jong’s Pokémon Long Johns go missing

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North Koreans who were upset with the passing away of their ‘Dear Leader’ have one more reason to be upset.

According to reports trickling in from Pyongyang, North Korean dictator Kim Jong’s Pokémon long johns have gone missing. According to sources, the kacchas, symbolic of the dictator and his fashion-deficient rule, went missing at about 8 am North Korea time on Monday morning. A close aide of the late leader reported that he was unable to trace the garment after it was hung for drying by the late dictator (when he was alive) in the wee hours of Sunday morning after a flash flood hit the nation’s capital.

“It is with great sorrow that the nation of North Korea announces the disappearance of our dear leader’s symbolic Pokémon long johns. On one hand we are dealing with the departure of our beloved leader and on the other we now have to come to terms with a missing piece of history that connects us with the noble one. The imperialistic zealots who are jealous of the progress made by…

Chidambaram in trouble...

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Sibal Vs Netizens...

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RBI intervenes to stem Rupee free fall; ropes in actor Vidya Balan

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Its official, Vidya Balan will help the Reserve Bank of India prop up the Rupee. A decision to this effect was taken at a high level meeting of RBI, Planning Commission and Finance ministry officials chaired by union finance minister Pranab Mukherjee in the national capital today.

Humor Unplugged has learnt that at the meeting, RBI moved a proposal to have actor Vidya Balan’s image in various poses on currency notes of higher denomination. The actor, who has apparently agreed to the proposal, will pose provocatively as she did for her last Bollywood flick, The Dirty Picture. These pics will then appear on 100, 500 and 1000 Rupee notes and the government will run a lucky draw through which people buying over a lakh worth of INR from currency markets will be asked to submit proof of purchase online and get an 8 digit code for participating in the draw.

“RBI has acted in national interest and we have intervened to stem further erosion of investor confidence in our economy. Vidyaji’s pr…

Time magazine commits fraud...

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Musical potholes in Bangalore soon

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After naming potholes after politicians, Bangalore is now undertaking a major exercise to refurbish city’s potholes and turn them into works of entertainment. As part of this strategy, over 13000 potholes in the heart of the city will soon turn musical complete with laser light show and synchronized fountains.    

The project is the brainchild of Bangalore Development Authority (BDA). As of now, over 200 potholes have already been fitted with fountains and musical lights and the figure is expected to go up to 350 by this year end. In a typical fountain in a pothole the water rises up to 3 meters in the air in synchronization with the music that is controlled by an application. It is programmed to produce 126 variations in the fountain.

“The mechanism is simple. The fountain is triggered by a passing vehicle. Every time a vehicle goes into a pothole, the trigger gets activated and the fountain gets into countdown mode and a stream of water comes out after 6 seconds in full swing (aft…

RIP Mario Miranda...

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The great Indian eclipse

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Sibal agonized by ‘morphed’ free speech pic, vows action

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In a major setback to union anti-free speech minister Kapil Sibal, pics of him sporting a pro free speech tee appeared on major blogs across the nation on Thursday evening. The pic was allegedly taken when the minister was in college over 400 years ago and is now floating around on the internet.

“I am agonized. This is what I was speaking against the other day. I mean can’t you see that it is a morphed pic? I have never worn such t shirts in my life and besides who is that chick behind me? What’s her story? I have had enough of these bloggers fooling around with important personalities for increasing their alexa ranking. I am cracking the whip. By tomorrow evening, if these two penny bloggers don’t pull down the pic, I will make sure that Diggi visits each one and gives them a piece of his mind,” an angry Sibal said.

Sibal said that if that too doesn’t work, the government will consider shutting down broadband access in the country to non-corporate users. “They didn’t have to take th…

Calvin and Hobbes in - Do politicians have common sense?

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The Guide bids adieu...

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Flash mobs and marriages will soon be common in Indian parliament

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Humor Unplugged has learnt that the Indian parliament will soon allow citizens to do flash mob acts and get married on the floor of both houses.

The entire winter session of parliament has been a complete washout with MPs coming in swiping their cards, creating a din and going back home without the house transacting any business. It is almost like a more organized flash mob. So now the government has decided to consider a proposal by some academicians to allow non-political flash mobs to assemble inside parliament for a decent monetary consideration.

Sources in the planning commission have told Humor Unplugged that a proposal was being actively considered to turn parliament into a revenue generating asset for the government. “Suppose you want to organize a concert, or a ballet or drama or even a party, we can let the house out provided you are ready to shell out money at market rates. The way we see it, MPs do not want to work so why should they come all the way with their beacon mo…