Showing posts from November, 2008

Indians will be extinct by 2025

A global multilateral NGO in its report on genocide and ethnic cleansing has classified Indian nationals as ‘endangered’. The classification comes in the wake of recent terror attacks in different parts of India that have killed many Indians.

The report mentions the names of over 100 different Pakistan based groups who are out to kill Indians. It also lists out over 500 groups backed by China and over 75 groups supported by Bangladesh who would love to see Indians eliminated. “In view of the number of threats that Indians are facing and the kind of government that these guys have, it is indeed a miracle that Indians have survived for this long. I guess it is purely the numbers that have kept them going. Going forward however, that may not be true,” a spokesperson for the NGO said in Geneva on Friday.

According to the report, the number of terror incidents may see a significant rise over the next few years and so will the number of lives that are lost. “I don’t see any hope here. Unless …

A lesson for every politician

In the last three days when dark clouds had gathered over India, one moron was conspicuous by his absence. This guy who goes by the name Raj Thackerey, was nowhere to be seen when the NSG commandos were storming their targets. Our correspondent caught up with the guy hiding in his lair.

RS: where were you all this while? I mean usually one gets to hear from you once every three days, shooting your mouth off…

R(a)T: Oh it was really scary I tell you. I was having my dinner when I saw the initial footage of the terror attacks. I was so scared that I ran into the loo and bolted the door from inside. I couldn’t muster enough courage to see the whole incident.

RS: Considering the fact that these terrorists were also “outsiders”, how come you or your party cronies never issued any statements condemning them?

R(a)T: I told you naa that I was hiding. Lets not discuss this anymore, please.

RS: What exactly is it that you were afraid of?

R(a)T: Did you see the faces of the terrorists? Boy, they were…

Pakistan in denial mode

The Pakistan government can gain a lot by setting up a ministry dedicated to issuing denials and ‘clarifications’. Pakistan’s external affairs minister was struggling to come out with convincing replies to questions posed by mediapersons and the whole affair was handled in a amateurish manner by his government.

By initially agreeing to send their ISI chief and then backtracking, Pakistan has clearly exposed the dichotomy between the government and independent state backed actors who run the show. The move must have run into stiff resistance within the ISI rank and file and forced the government to backtrack. Is this all or does the Pakistani government have something more to hide? The facts clearly indicate that Pakistan has not just sponsored the terrorists, but have armed, trained and moved them.

Some of the intelligence folks in India are saying that the marine wing of the Laskhar was responsible for this gruesome episode. But where did this wing spring from? Can a bunch of donkey ri…

India is all alone in its war on terror…

Terror struck again in the heart of India’s financial capital; over a hundred lives lost and once again the men in uniform stepped in, put their lives on the line and cleared the mess left behind by a lackadaisical government and intelligence infrastructure that is all but dead.

The government has reacted ‘swiftly’ and asked the ISI chief to come to India. Now what the hell is that supposed to solve? The ISI chief will visit India with a script perfected over the years complete with denials and doctored evidence on India’s alleged role in fomenting trouble in Baluchistan. Don’t we all know that bringing the ISI into the investigations and handing over evidence will lead nowhere? Perhaps our PM should have also invited Pakistani economic citizen and their beloved guest Dawood Ibrahim to visit India and see the evidence. I guess Dawood would have been better placed to convince the ISI chief and the Pakistani political apparatus about the role of ISI insiders in this incident.

What about t…

Dalai Lama should retire...

There is only one man standing between Tibet and her independence, a Chinese stooge who goes by the name Dalai Lama. This man has progressively worked to undermine Tibetan freedom and submitted to the wishes of his Chinese masters. He has in the process done irreparable damage to a noble cause and his recent decision not to retire is huge setback to the Tibetan freedom movement.

Dalai Lama has consistently worked to suppress the genuine aspirations of Tibetan citizens. By working on the payrolls of his Chinese masters, he has all but misled the movement and rendered it directionless by first agreeing to drop the demand for freedom and then dissolving all internal uprisings within the occupied country. That the Lama was working for China was never in doubt. He is also a celeb-wannabe who prides in showcasing his spiritual elevation in various ceremonies held in his honor.

In the last two decades, he was done nothing but wine and dine with global leaders while conveniently betraying the f…

The shocking truth behind Somali pirates

According to a report published by an international maritime watchdog, the recent spurt in pirate attacks off the Somali coast is connected in many ways with the financial services industry. The confidential report, prepared after extensive investigations off the Somali coast, throws light on the brains behind the dreaded pirate groups acting ruthlessly in international waters.

According to the report, some of the rogue CEOs and fraudsters of global financial institutions that went bankrupt in the last decade have teamed up with the pirates to target loaded cargo vessels passing in their waters. Though the pirates had the muscle, they desperately needed some shrewd planning to implement their evil agenda.

The report says “some of these executives were recruited through Blinkedin and offered CTC packages on par with the best in the industry. In addition to tax free income, the package included an all expenses paid vacation to any location of their choice, twice a year. All the fraudste…

Pakistan’s alms ministry is up and running.

In a bid to revive its sagging economy and shore up its bankrupt foreign exchange reserves, Pakistan has set up an independent Alms ministry with powers to beg from all possible sources. Basheer Khan is tasked with the unenviable job of approaching the powers that be to rake the moolah in. Our correspondent caught up with the busy man in the wee hours of Friday and got his take on the whole quagmire his country is facing and his plans on getting the much needed foreign exchange.

RS: What was the need to set up a dedicated ministry for begging?
BK: Our BoP position is really miserable at this point of time. Everyone from the president to the section officer in the external affairs ministry is walking around with the begging bowl to bring in funds to revive the economy. Previously we were being funded adequately by US and China but that’s no longer true. Even the Saudis have backed out so where does that leave us? My ministry is the focal point of all fund gathering activities and it is…

The $2 billion heartache

Faced with increasing number of breakups in the country, the Indian government has asked the RBI to set up a special cell to rank relationships. The decision comes in the wake of a report submitted by a special committee which said that the country was loosing upto 2 billion dollars every month due to productivity losses inflicted by breakups.

It may be remembered that the Indian government had set up a special committee headed by a senior bureaucrat to study the impact of breakups on productivity in the public and private sector. The committee’s findings, termed alarming by the government, were published last month and subsequently analyzed by a team of cabinet ministers (GoM) who have now asked the government to act soon or lose more money and time.

The committee reported that since the impact of the ongoing financial crises started becoming more apparent, relationships have been strained. Apparently, as a result of breakups, people were becoming more disoriented and losing focus and …

China is angry with India.. again

China on Friday registered its strong protest with the Indian embassy in Beijing against alleged efforts by the Indian government to “threaten its people”. The protest is apparently directed against Indian government dispatching an uncensored and unedited version of the movie Desh Drohi to Chinese spokesperson Qin Gang. This copy was dispatched by the Indian external affairs ministry in response to the Gang’s statement that China did not recognize Arunachal Pradesh as a part of India.

According to our sources in Beijing, Gang went into a comma after watching the movie and his condition is said to be serious. “The Chinese government has taken a serious note of this move by India to push its case and we are still watching the situation,” a Chinese official told Xinhua news agency. In the meantime, the controversial movie DVD has been handed over to the Forensic Psycology wing of Beijing University for further study by the Chinese government.

“This is only the beginning. If they don’t …

Bollywood responsible for whitewash - Hayden

Mathew Hayden, another joker in the pack of wild animals that calls itself the Australian cricket team, was in the news recently for calling India a ‘third world’ country. We caught up with the freak in Sydney and grilled him on this and other issues…heres the interview..

RS: Your remark was completely uncalled for…what did you achieve by saying this?

MH: I am just preparing the ground for my autobiography…you know we need some spicy stuff to increase sales. In fact after Gilly, most of us have now decided to write books and pen down our own story.

RS: But other than sledging and cribbing, you guys don’t know anything and your vocabulary is as big as a matchbox. So how so you plan to write an entire book?

MH: Do you think I can write a book? I cannot even stitch a pyjamma even if my life depended on it. We have plenty of ghost writers down under and they will do the needful. Infact I will be hiring the same guy who wrote Gilly’s auto…

RS: Agreed there was a delay in the start of the match…

Terms of reference – global financial slump

In this post I have tried to use common terms linked to the economic recession with relationships. Hope the result is worth a laugh. Heres the primer.

Bond – nothing to do with 007. This is what exists between you and your GF, till she sucks your blood dry and moves on.

Capital – reason why your girlfriend is still with you

Collateralized debt obligations (CDOs) - your relationship debts bundled together (tangible and intangible)

Credit crunch – a scenario that prevails till you are in a relationship

Dead cat bounce – when your girlfriend’s ex returns

Derivatives – kids from a live-in relationship

Limited Liability – live-in relationship

Liquidity – your capability to vanish when the shopping bill appears on the horizon

Mark-to-market – your value as determined by your GF. A direct function of how visible your relationship can be. Soars if you are seeing multiple people (while your partner is not), declines if the reverse is true.

Nationalization: when your girlfriend’s father decides to …

China wants the moon

China's official Xinhua News Agency ran a story recently, announcing ground controllers were tracking Chinese astronauts sent aloft for the country's first spacewalk, complete with details and quotes from the astronauts. There was just one problem: the astronauts were yet to blast off for the spacewalk. Rajcreep caught up with Gen. Lee, media incharge for the government of China and questioned him on the goof up.

RS: Gen, can you explain the incident?

GL: whats to explain? Its all due to some sleepy journos in Xinhua. Those jokers pressed the go live button before the event. They have all been deported to the Sujiatun slave labor camp in Liaoning. They will learn to hold their horses there.

RS: So is this the way in which you guys work? Cook up everything before and then deliver?

GL: yeah so you have a problem with that? See everything about our nation is cooked up be it the GDP growth figures or the employment numbers. In fact, our politbureau members have a saying – you can tru… the Jurassic Park

In a major breakthrough, scientists and paleobiologists from the National Institute of Jurassic Research have managed to locate certain ancient species living in India. These individuals have been around since the time when life made its debut on the planet and continue to thrive. Needless to say their fossilized mindset is still frozen in those times and they are working hard to push the nation back to the pre Cambrian era.

Mamtosaurus: A classic specimen from the early Mesozoic characterized by its steadfast reluctance to evolve. This one is known to go for days without food or water to put pressure on competitors. One is still not sure as to how it hunts for food.

Deveraptor: Another ancient specimen from the late cretaceous. This one is known to essay multiple roles with ease. A known project stopper, Deveraptor gets its food as commissions by taking a cut from food gathered by other hunters. Some of the scientists are of the opinion that the hyenas may have evolved from this speci…

Al Qaeeda bags stake in Thackerey's party

In a move that could lead to a major realignment of terror forces in the sub continent, transnational terror organization Al Qaeeda has purchased a minority stake in the Raj Thackrey run No Nirman Say-na. The 33 percent stake, purchased for an undisclosed sum, will enable Al Qaeeda to nominate a director to attend the board meetings of Raj’s party.

“The stake represents our interest in a party that has the same destructive tendencies and divisive policies as the Al Qaeeda. Both the parties can now look at synergizing their operations and knowledge transfer to pave the way for a new wave of terror across the globe,” Comical Ali, spokesperson for Osama Bin Laden said in an interview yesterday.

Al Qaeeda, with its footprint in over 60 countries has been looking at various options to establish a presence in India. The initial plan using ISI’s SIMI and Bangladesh-backed HuJI failed miserably as these two organizations were only taking orders from Islamabad and not Tora Bora mountains. Defens…

Economic slump affects relationships

The ongoing recession in global economy has taken its toll on relationships too, if the latest figures released by the renowned Cartner magazine are to be believed. According to the magazine, the number of new relationships that have emerged over the last 90 days has shown a sharp decline of almost 70 percent as compared to the same period last year. The magazine also reports a 45 percent rise in the number of breakups and a 32 percent decline in instant relationships, in the same period. The magazine has attributed this decline to the recession and says that the overall outlook is gloomy as people have other things on their mind.

Cartner further says that the worst effected of the lot are relationships involving multiple partners. “I used to have three boyfriends; one for emotional support, another for shopping and a third one for showoff. I have dumped two of them as they are unable to do anything for me. I know it was a very tough decision on my part, but then that’s how the cookie …

Raj Thackery is now a visiting faculty at Jinnah Institute

Karachi-based Jinnah institute, an academic body dedicated to studying divisive policies and implementing them in politics, has appointed MNS head Raj Mockery as guest faculty. An announcement to this effect was made by Jinnah Institute register Faqrudin Khan in Karachi today.

“We were quite impressed by Mockery’s divisive mindset. Not since the days of Jinnah have we had such a divisive minded politician. This guy can split brothers, families, communities and even a nation and we are excited by the potential shown by him”, Khan said justifying the appointment.

Apparently, Mockery’s name was suggested by none other than former Pakistani dictator Gen Musharraf. Musharraf, was following the events that happened in Mumbai quite closely for the past few days and is said to have asked Khan to offer some vocation to Mockery, who seemed like he needed one, sources told this blogger. In addition, Mockery reminded Musharraf of the Jinnah himself, trying to sow the seeds of hatred and communal…

Raj Thackery attacks SETI

MNS head and all round joker Raj Mockery has launched a verbal barrage against the Mountain View California based Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence, a non-governmental organization engaged in the search for life outside planet earth. Mockery alleged that SETI was implementing an ‘evil agenda’ to replace earthlings with cheap labor from outside the solar system.

At a press conference attended by two stringers from unknown vernacular dailies, Mockery claimed that incase extra terrestrial life were to be detected, they could come over to earth and settle down here. “SETI is doing its bit to make sure that all earthlings lose their jobs and become vandals like my partymen. They should let sleeping dogs lie and stop their search at the earliest or else I will dispatch a bunch of my nastiest party workers to vandalize their equipment in California,” Mockery threatened.

After launching a campaign against his own countrymen, Mockery has now set his sights on aliens. “Already th…

Gilchrist wants to hit the Dalai Lama

(S)adam Gilchrist seems to have lost the plot, or has found a new one to increase the sales of his new book, in which he has attacked virtually everyone including Tendulkar, Ganguly, Bhajji, Eskimos, martians and even the abominable snowman. Our correspondent Bhakra Dutt spoke to the nut case and came back convinced that Gilly needed to sack his shrink. Here’s the exclusive interview:

BD: Whats wrong with you? You have virtually attacked the whole of Indian team for no rhyme or reason except selling your new book.

SG: That’s quite true. But you haven’t read the whole book, I presume, as I have also blamed Bush, Osama, Hugo Chavez, bollywood, Kim Jog Ill and even the Dalai Lama.

BD: What wrong did Dalai Lama do to you?

SG: He met me after one of my matches and told me that I shouldn’t lie so much. I almost punched him…I mean imagine telling me not to lie..that takes guts.

BD: He is a learned man and you are just a rookie cricketer, who believes in appealing like a chimp whose candy has…

Now goons want a classical tag...

A group of influential gangsters representing the interests of goons across the nation has requested the Indian government to accord Classical status to their ‘Tapoori’ language. The group calling themselves the Beloved Hoodlums Association of India (BHAI) met union culture minister Ambika Soni and urged her to consider their request seriously and give the tag at the earliest.

“The Bhai language is one of the oldest in the country. It was spoken by the first bhai of the nation Mr. Ravan and has since been modified by generations of goons who have enriched the language with their literary skills and linguistic passion,” claimed BHAI spokesperson Pappu Chikna in an interview with the Borivili Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) today. Pappu was extremely vocal in his demand and asked the centre to look at the antiquity of the language, the richness of the dialect and the passion with which it is spoken in various parts of the country. Pappu felt that the tag would attract more funding for car…