Showing posts from September, 2008

India to announce new anti terror policy

Increasing incidents of terror in the country have finally forced the Indian government out of hibernation. In a bold move the government has framed a new anti-terror policy aimed at tackling terrorism at various levels. The highlights of the new anti-terror policy on the anvil include:

Bring in a new scenario rating system: to be developed on the lines of the terror ratings in US (Orange, Yellow etc.,) the Indian government ratings will be given by the same team at Times of India which rates bollywood offerings in its Saturday edition. This team is renowned for its incompetence in recognizing and rating good movies and will continue the same show at the national level. This team will be assisted by folks from the meteorological department.
Hiring new designers for key ministers: This is designed to ensure that the ministers who brief the media after a terror attack look like models and do not commit any fashion faux pass.
New speech writers to deliver hard hitting speeches:…

Political forecast

The week ahead for politicians by the renowned astrologer Deadpan Hoochwala

Aries: indulging in human trafficking will bring in much needed moolah. Expect income from hitherto unknown sources. This is the right time to switch parties to gain a ministerial berth.

Taurus: you better watch out else you could end up becoming the victim of a well crafted sting operation. Also do not indulge in your usual afternoon siesta in parliament you may see some really scary nightmares.

Gemini: your other face will be exposed this week. Keep a face wash ready..just in case. Encounter with citizens of your constituency may lead to a wardrobe malfunction.

Cancer: your affair with your neighbor will be exposed. Keep a good excuse handy.

Leo: Your position this week is simply weak. Changing clothes wont help, a interview with Karan Thapar is destined, so be prepared.

Virgo: throwing slippers in parliament can help deflect attention from an important issue in your constituency. The slipper should be thrown …

Chavvani offers to bail out Lehman Bros

Desi undergarment tycoon Chavvani Lal has offered to buyout the beleaguered Lehman Bros for an undisclosed sum. Chavvani has claimed that executives from his firm have already finished a round of diligence and are now in talks with regulatory authorities in US and certain investment bankers to fund the move.

“I am tired of these on the block comments. Why don’t they do something if they are so worried,” wondered Chavvani about the fate of the global investment bank. He was crticial of the US government which he claimed was ignoring Lehman at the cost of insurers whose quarterly results could be marred by soured investments in Lehman Bros.

The Chavvani controlled Pungee Group which has interests in roadside langot and juice joint business around the national capital, is the latest entrant in the ongoing war to gain control over the global investment bank.

When asked about Barclays spoiling his company’s party, Chavvani said “Barclays does not have a sound plan for reviving Lehman Bros. W…

Terror fallout: Astrologer to be the new National Insecurity Advisor

The Indian government has constituted a panel of soothsayers headed by astrologer Deadpan Hoochwala to advise the National Insecurity Advisor on terror related issues. The panel, after studying the position of various planets, has submitted that the position of some of them was not favorable for the nation at the moment. It has also suggested that the PM wear a special bracelet to deflect terror attacks from the country’s soil.

Deadpan Hoochwala is planning to conduct special ceremonies to ward of an evil eye cast by some countries on India. He has also asked all intelligence personal to look towards north before stepping outside their homes and watch out for black cats crossing their paths. A key recommendation of the panel is to change the dress code of black cat commodes from all black to a mixture of maroon and purple. “A black cat commando crossing the path gives the same effect as a black cat crossing your path. And considering the fact that all key VVIPs in the country are g…

An ungrateful nation

An exclusive interview with Fakhruddin Ahmed, the PM of Bangladesh on the country’s acquisition of missiles and investment in purchasing armaments at the cost of the country’s impoverished.

RS: you have started investing in building some form of defense system with active aid from China. Am I right?

FA: You are spot on. In fact we have just tested a couple of missiles.

RS: Who may I ask is threatening you Seychelles, Nauru or little green men from mars? I mean why would anyone be interested in attacking your country?

FA: Oh, the green men may well attack one day. We are not here to defend ourselves. This is just a show off; in fact we are copying Pakistan, who is seeking strategic parity with your country. We are seeking strategic parity with Pakistan and our dear friend and ally china is helping us in this. If Pakistan can have missiles, why can’t we?

RS: That’s not the point Mr Ahmed. There are many development concerns that need to be addressed by Bangladesh first. Curbing infant mor…

ISI to list, plans to launch TV channel

ISI chief Nadeem Taj has asked the government of Pakistan to do more to let the people of Pakistan and other countries know about the pivotal role ISI is playing in fostering terrorism.

Nadeem was speaking at a rally organized in Bajaur in the FATA region to mark the anniversary of formation of Taliban. “We have been doing so much offlate-spreading terror in Kashmir, running opium and arms business in South Asia, arming and sheltering Al Qaeeda and helping the Taliban and do the people know about these initiatives? I am afraid not,” he said.

Asking the Pakistani government to come clean on Taliban, he said that Pakistan needs to tell everyone that ISI is currently bigger than Al Qaeeda and was doing more to jeopardize international peace than any other organization. “We do all the work and Al Qaeeda gets the credit. Take any international terrorist activity that has happened over the last ten years and you will notice that Pakistan is an active participant in all those incidents and …

Chinese are proud proliferators

Yuk Thoo Chin is proliferation in charge with the government of China. In this exclusive interview, Chin reveals his country’s proud nuclear proliferation record.

RS: You have helped countries as diverse as Pakistan and North Korea gain nuclear weapons. Any reason for indulging in unbridled nuke proliferation?

YT: we believe in sharing everything we have. You see we are commies not just in principle, but in practice too. So be it missiles or nukes, we share everything with everyone.

RS: You have never shared anything with India. Infact, you have not even tried to reach out and make peace our country.

YT: we share animosity with you. Besides, who do you think trains, clothes and feeds the commies in your country? We have spent so much in sponsoring commies in your country and you say we have not shared anything? Also, who do you think is behind the meaowists and the insurgents in the North East part of your country?

RS: are you aware that the actions of your country have endangered glob…

Mamta to be felicitated by the Bungaldeshi government.

The Bungladeshi government has announced that it will be honoring the firebrand project stopper and overall politician Mamata Ban-her-jee with their highest civilian award- Nishan-e-Pyjamma.

Ban-her-jee was selected from an elite list of project stoppers which included big names like Devil Gowda and some commies. It may be noted that Bungaldeshi government had hitherto thrown away a Tata project which would have brought in billions of dollars in investment and jobs to that impoverished country.

Mamta was happy to hear the news. “I have always looked at the Bungaldeshi government as a model of development. They don’t want jobs or investment; they instead want to indulge in cheap politics and waste time and money, which is what we have done in Singur,” she said. Her party has welcomed the development and said that this was a “progressive step towards progress”.

When reminded of the youth of Singnur, Ban-her-jee pounced on the journalist and tried to thrash him. “Are those people your ch…