India to announce new anti terror policy

Increasing incidents of terror in the country have finally forced the Indian government out of hibernation. In a bold move the government has framed a new anti-terror policy aimed at tackling terrorism at various levels. The highlights of the new anti-terror policy on the anvil include:

• Bring in a new scenario rating system: to be developed on the lines of the terror ratings in US (Orange, Yellow etc.,) the Indian government ratings will be given by the same team at Times of India which rates bollywood offerings in its Saturday edition. This team is renowned for its incompetence in recognizing and rating good movies and will continue the same show at the national level. This team will be assisted by folks from the meteorological department.
• Hiring new designers for key ministers: This is designed to ensure that the ministers who brief the media after a terror attack look like models and do not commit any fashion faux pass.
• New speech writers to deliver hard hitting speeches: Instead of saying things like “our sympathies are with the families of those affected” and Shivaraj Patil’s trademark line “we condemn such cowardly acts”, the government wants to deliver lines that can charge the citizens and deflect attention from its own helplessness.
• Insure citizens in key cities: Citizens in major cities will be charged a terror insurance fee for providing insurance cover. Once a “protected individual” becomes a ‘identified victim”, his\her account or the one specified by him or her will be credited with the amount due and a letter signed by none other than the prime minister delivered to the next of kin.
• All citizens to register their wills: All citizens including the unborn ones will be asked to register their wills and identify the beneficiaries. They will also be asked to carry “bomb-proof” identity cards on them so that they can be identified in the aftermath of a terror incident.
• Mandatory education on explosives: The drive for sex education will take a back seat as education on explosives takes over. All kids from LKG to the college level will have atleast one chapter on identifying and defusing explosives. They will also be asked to carry a bomb squad uniform with them and defuse bombs on various occasions.
• Jobs for defusers: Those who defuse bombs on more than three occasions will be offered employment in the home ministry.
• Create a separate homeland security ministry: Again on the lines of USA, this ministry will be exclusively responsible for protecting the nation against terror strikes. The home ministry meanwhile will be assigned the task of ensuring vastu compliance for major government buildings so that they do not become terror targets.
• Immigration: All visitors from Pakistan and Bangladesh will be thoroughly examined at immigration counters and deported back to their respective countries.
• Bring in new terror law: Under this law, anybody can be arrested and detained for a period of 14 years without trial. If found innocent after that, he or she will be let out immediately. This law will also recognizes confessions made in front of pan vendors, barbers, bosses and others, in addition to cops.

The government hopes to operationalise the policy soon. Speaking exclusively to this blog, government spokesperson Nut-war Sing said that these changes were long due and that the government was “as serious as daffy duck” when it comes to tackling terror.