Showing posts from 2014

Rohit Sharma was the real winner, today: admits Ravi Shastri

After Rohit Sharma's record breaking performance yesterday, former commentator and team India manager Ravi Shastri was forced to admit that Sharma was the real winner in the match between India and Lanka.

"Rohit Sharma was the real winner today and cricket came a close second," he said. A few folks in the audience fainted and few felt like Neetu Singh after Katrina Kaif dropped by, as soon as they heard these words from Shastri's mouth. No one could believe the former Indian cricketer could say that.

"In the world of commentary cliches, Ravi Shastri occupies a whole nation covering an area greater than Brazil. One can actually predict what he is going to say hours before he says it and here we were seeing the dude admit that someone other than cricket actually won as compared to cricket. And this is a big thing," Bored Massomdar, cricket historian and all round loudmouth said.

The markets reacted positively to the statement with the BSE sensex rising by 40…

Arvind Kejriwal rushing to Delhi

In what could be described as a "development" within hours of the Supreme Court chiding central government over the delay in forming a government in Delhi, our reporters spotted Aam Aadmi Party chief Arvind Kejriwal flying in a hurry to Delhi.

UN Secretary Gen sends a stinker to Pakistan on the Kashmir issue

Pakistan’s National Security and Foreign Affairs Adviser Sartaj Aziz recently wrote to the UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon whining about the situation at the Line of Control. He was not expecting a reply but the Moon surprised him as he got a reply not from the Secretary General but from a Section Officer in the Information Wing of the UN. Humor Unplugged obtained a copy of the letter and we are producing it herewith in the larger interest of the readers.

This letter, written with concern and attention, is in response to your recent communication regarding the unfortunate series of incidents that prevailed on or near the Line of Control and on or near the Internal Boundary separating India and your nation.

As you are aware, the Secretary General doesn't give a hoodoo about the Kashmir dispute between your country and India. He has other urgent matters that seek his immediate and undivided attention and matters such as the one which you have raised are nothing but unp…

Pakistan had denied its involvement in the Harvard threat mail episode

Recently, hundreds of students and other people affiliated with Harvard University got a threatening email followed by a second message with an apology that apparently came from the same email account. Seems like the whole incident was a prank but the Pakistan government chose to take it seriously and as per established protocol, issued a firm denial on the involvement of Pakistani terrorists in the episode.

“We landed with an Ostrich’s egg on our face this time. We have an established denial protocol. We have to deny involvement of Pakistani terrorists within 8 hours of a major terror incident. The facts can be checked later and even if evidence emerges to the contrary, we continue denying till the incident dies down. In this case, we issued a standard denial but the whole thing turned out to be a hoax and we looked like a bunch of Bilawal Bhuttos,” a source in the Pakistani foreign ministry said.

“We condemn this barbaric instance of terrorism. As everyone knows, Pakistan has been …

Times of India asks employees to hand over social media passwords

"Hundreds of journalists working at the Times of India and its sister publications have received a peculiar request from their employer: hand over your Twitter and Facebook passwords and let us post for you..."

Not only is this downright undemocratic but it reeks of insecurity - the likes of which we havent seen for quite sometime. Here is our take..

10 things you will end up paying for if you fly Air Asia

Air hostesses smileSeat arm rest and seat buckle usage rights Bus fare on busses that transfer you from the gate to the planeSafety demoProof of identity verificationOpen window shade In-flight announcements and weather updates Reclining seatsSeat trayDeplaning charges in case of an emergency 

Pickpocket sentenced to listen to 40 hours of IPL Hindi commentary

In a unique first, a high altitude court in Silichar sentenced a pickpocket to watch over 40 hours of non-stop IPL coverage in Hindi. The order passed on Friday was widely welcomed by broad sections of the society while human rights groups expressed concern over the development of a precedent.

While handing over the judgement, the judge said “you have committed a cardinal sin, one that is reserved for politicians and similar lowlife. Picking the pocket of a middle class salaried employee is a crime of the worst order and you will be punished accordingly and I will spare no mercy in this regard”.

The pickpocket is said to have fainted when he heard the judgement. His lawyer while pleading for display of leniency, she said that her client is ready to listen to Ravi Shastri for 40 hours but will not be able to survive Hindi IPL commentary. The judge put on his earphones and pretended to listen to rock while she was pleading.

PM Manmohan Singh wrote a page for The Accidental Prime Minister

Many of you dont know that PM Manmohan Singh had written a page for Sanjay Baru's The Accidental Prime Minister. The former PMO bottom dweller confessed this in a google talk chat with our correspondent. Baru even shared a snapshot of Manmohan Singh's contribution. This is how it looks...

Indian Gas Marketing agency develops a time machine

A Bangalore based gas distribution company affiliated with Indian Oil Corporation subsidiary Indane has claimed that it has invented a time machine to deliver cylinders in the past. An announcement to this effect was made in the city by Indane's Chief Incompetence Officer Dayal Goli today.

Goli claimed that the machine built with commissions usurped by the agency via various black marketing and customer harassment initiatives by Shri Giridhar Agencies located on Residency Road can deliver cylinders to over 300 time zones in the past. "One can call us, pay a call charge of 3 crore rupees followed by commission charges of only 1.2 crores and we will deliver a cylinder to your ancestors. We will also return with a signed document to confirm delivery. We are the first agency in the world to do this and we are so excited that I was able to move an inch from my chair within 4 hours of entering my office yesterday," Goli said.

When told that it could be the other way round tha…

Arnab Goswami invests in tool that helps husbands predict when they will be thrashed

Yes, you heard it right. Times Now’s editor in chief Arnab Goswami has bought a significant stake in a Bangalore based start-up that has developed a tool that warns husbands about an imminent thrashing from their better halves. The development was confirmed by a source close to Goswami on Saturday.

The start-up Allucient Tech is already selling an astrology app on Google Play that uses big data, sentiment analysis and past trends to determine your future. “That app is based on a comprehensive review of over
900 parameters fed into it over a period of time. But WT 300 (the app that warns husbands) is a lighter version of the main app. WT 300 analyses recent data based on your BP levels and other parameters to determine whether you are lying and based on the strength of the lie, it determines the consequences. In addition, it also analyses big data obtained from sources like your credit card bill, your extra-curricular activities, your recent and past interactions with your wife and t…

Elections 2014: BJP to launch a no frills subsidiary

Taking a leaf out of the Indian aviation industry, 2014 elections front runner BJP has decided to launch a new party to take on the Aam Aadmi Party. The party, to be called Average Aadmi Party (AVAP), will be a wholly subsidiary of the party and will contest Aam Aadmi Party in tier-two and three towns across the country.
Sources in the BJP while confirming the move, pointed out that the new party will help BJP focus on its core constituency in urban areas.  “AVAP will be a completely different party and will have its own set of leaders, vote base and hierarchy. It will be a no-frills variant of BJP and tasked with gaining voteshare in areas where BJP is currently weak or does not have a presence. We haven’t decided on the first set of leaders to head the party yet but you can expect an announcement on that soon,” a senior BJP leader said.
AVAP, sources say, will be free to offer subsidies, indulge in agitations and high voltage drama across its constituencies. BJP it seems has been …

Bangalore introduces tolled footpaths

In what could be termed as a measure designed to perplex pedestrians in Bangalore, the Karnataka state government has decided to launch a few tolled footpaths in the city. An announcement to this effect was made by the minister for footpaths, artificial pollination and El Nino, Dr. Champak Kumar on Friday.

“Yes, we have finally decided to move ahead and do something for the pedestrians in Bangalore city. It is something we wanted to do a long time back but were unable to do so for a variety of reasons and now that we have decided to do this, we will not look back or rest until we have done what we set out to do. You can be rest assured that we will be doing this come what may,” Kumar said.

When an impatient journo asked him as to what his government was planning to do, Kumar appeared dazed. Hearing the question, a pan-chewing bureaucrat who was sitting in the audience rushed towards Kumar and handed him a note that the minister read verbatim.

“The tolled footpaths will go a long way …

IPL7: BCCI asks Indian Election Commission to defer 2014 elections

The BCCI has asked Election Commission of India to postpone general elections in the country till the end of May as the polls were clashing with dates proposed for the 7th edition of the Indian Premier League.
In an email communication addressed to the Chief Election Commissioner, the PA to BCCI president N Srinivasan, Chaudhuri Baby Lal asked the CEC to direct his office to postpone the polls as “a non-event like elections should not be allowed to interrupt something as important as the Indian Premier League”.

“Your attention is drawn to the fact that the Indian Premier League is more important to India than its elections. Also, the BCCI is today stronger than the Indian government as we have more crooks per square inch of our real estate than the government and we don’t have to answer to clowns such as Kejriwal who keep writing letter for no reason whatsoever. Given this context, India should give adequate and more priority to IPL while elections can be held at leisure later. Besid…

Times Now’s Arnab Goswami launches the Agitated Anchor Party

In his continuing fight against sanity, Times Now’s editor in chief Arnab Goswami fired the latest salvo by launching a brand new political outfit.

The party christened Agitated Anchor Party was launched at a grand function attended by various anchors from across the country. Some of them even came to blows towards the end though. Arnab claimed that his party will deliver more drama, agitation and action than Arvind Kejriwal's Aam Aadmi Party.

“Our party would focus on coming to power for not more than two hours in each state during prime time. During our stint we will challenge the opposition to indulge in animated debates on various issues and once we have got enough TRPs, we will resign and move on to another state. We hope to have finished one round of reign in each Indian state by 2022,” Arnab said.    

Arnab also said that like Kejriwal used to run to Ram Leela Maidan everytime he wanted to protest, his partymen would converge at the Times Now studio to protest and agitate…

Arnab Goswami caught intruding in neighbour’s house, gets pulped

Times Now’s editor in chief and the man with a rock of Gibralter sized curiosity Arnab Goswami was briefly detained by cops today morning for illegal trespassing and related charges. Arnab has denied all charges in a media statement released sometime back and claimed that he was framed by an ‘opponent’ who wanted to score some brownie points on women’s empowerment. This is how the events panned out.

At about 3 am in the morning, cops near Arnab’s residence in Gochi Layout got a call from a resident saying the Times Now Editor in Chief had been spotted moving around in a suspicious manner near her house. Acting on the call, hyperactive cops immediately rushed to the site only to find Arnab roaming around wearing a monkey cap and muffler with a torch pointed to a crack in the wall of the lady’s home.

When confronted Arnab initially denied he was the leading news anchor. “He initially claimed to be a card carrying member of the Aam Aadmi party who was scouting for a location for AAP’s ne…

Pepper spray use in Indian parliament spices things up

The Lok Sabha turned into a battlefield today with senior MPs scuffling as home minister Sushilkumar Shinde introduced the Telangana bill around noon.Things turned really ugly when a dignified MP used pepper spray on the floor of the house.

The following sentences culled from tweets by our reporter @blogus_maximus capture the bedlam. Over to @blogus_maximus

Thank god Aamir khan was not in parliament today else he would have charged INR 1 crore for every tear drop that came out from his eyes One MP I know was angry because the MP who used the pepper spray was seen flashing its Flipkart product code before spraying generouslyThanks to the pepper spray, many MPs behaved like human beings...though it was only momentaryForget right to recall MPs..I want a right to recall memories of seeing such behavior Doordarshan can start a new channel - Lok Sabha Action on a pay per view basis if incidents like pepper spray in parliament continueWhy is everyone criticizing the MP who used pepper spray …

It was so cold today that…

Vijay Mallya was seen burning Kingfisher shares to keep himself warmSalman Khan was seen burning newspapers containing Jai Ho reviews to keep himself warmKejriwal decided to consult Delhities to decide whether he should use a blanket, increase the AC temperature or wear a sweaterPoopnam Pandey was seen wearing a bikiniRahul Gandhi said that unless the system was changed completely, the temperature won’t go upAl Gore said he was ready to review his stand on global warmingSri Lankan Navy stayed away from waters of the Bay of Bengal. But they did try to lure Indian fishermen to a few Lankan beaches in order to arrest them.People logged in to twitter just to indulge in unfriendly exchanges to keep themselves warmSyed Shah Geelani's teeth were chattering while they were still in the glass

`Indian telecom operator launches Manmohan Singh and ‘0’loss packages

A leading pan-India telecom services provider today launched two voice and data packages targeted at those customers who do not talk much or those who talk in a balanced manner.
The Manmohan Singh package launched with much fanfare is for those subscribers who do not make any outgoing calls while receiving calls from all over. Outgoing calls and smses are barred in this package. In the '0 loss' package, if the number of outgoing calls are equal to the number of incoming calls, then the subscriber doesn’t have to pay any additional charge (other than the rental ofcourse).

These two packages modeled on our Prime Minister and Communications and Information Technologyminister Kapil Sibal, will be available across the nation by mid-January, a company source told Humor Unplugged. “This is our way of paying tributes to the twin stalwarts of UPA,” the source added.