Showing posts from November, 2013

Times Now's Arnab Goswami releases the Arnab doctrine

In a move designed to stamp his authority over the Indian media landscape, Times Now’s Editor in Chief Arnab ‘the nation needs to know’ Goswami released a collection of media principles for TV journalists under the umbrella of ‘The Arnab Doctrine’ today. Among other things, the book lists out over 5000 ways to shut guests up and make a mockery of their presence in the studio.

The doctrine was launched at a well-attended ceremony held at Taj in Mumbai. In attendance were Bollywood’s grand poobah Amitabh Bachchan and Arnab’s former colleague and NDTV journo Nidhi Razdan. Speaking at the event, Arnab said “the whole purpose of having an interview is to ask questions and not to obtain answers. I mean anyone can give an answer but it takes a real journo to bury a guest under a barrage of questions and drown his ego in a river of queries”.

Next to speak was Amitabh Bachchan. As and when he started, Arnab interrupted him. “One minute Mr Bachchan, one minute, just a minute, hold on, one min…

The new Managing Editor of Tehelka

Say hello to the new managing editor of Tehelka magazine - the lady who will replace Shoma Chaudhury

Now Tehelka’s Tejpal accused of harassing cops

Tehelka editor Tarun Tejpal, who faces charges of sexual harassment by a journalist, has been accused of harassing cops who went to interrogate him.

The episode started with Goa cops landing up at Tejpal’s residence on Saturday morning. As soon as the cops walked in, Tejpal greeted them with a crisp “wothca" followed by aye-up me laddies and Ow do”. As soon as the cops heard these phrases, they looked at each other and froze in panic. They had forgotten their dictionaries at home. A junior SI was immediately dispatched to get a copy of the latest OED.

Meanwhile the cops sat down and pulled out a book to note Tejpal’s responses. Each question was answered by Tejpal in Queen’s English and though the dictionary arrived, it was of no use as there was no time to translate every word spoken by Tejpal. “Blimey, you Goa quangos have arrived here in your blues and twos to nick me? I refuse to sit on the hob and you will not get me there, do you hear? I have dossed enough! Now I seek to d…

Funny expression of the week


China lays claim on new Japanese island

A new volcanic island has poked its head above the surface of the ocean for the first time near Japan. but even before the island got a name, Asia’s perennial headache China, laid claim to the island and the resources on it.

The island was discovered when smoke was seen on the horizon and the coastguard went to see what was going on. Rather than finding a ship on fire, the volcanic island was discovered. As soon as the news spread, China got ready with a set of quickly created bogus papers which allegedly showed the presence of intruding Han Chinese on the island dating back to the 11th century. Chinese were not at all bothered by the fact that the island popped out just 43 hours back.

China also lost no time in sending an intrusive twin engine propeller driven poke plane over the island and threatened to wage a 1000 year long war (Pakistan style) if the island was not brought under Chinese occupation within the next 24 hours. The intrusive plane however scooted as soon Japan scrambl…

Navjot Sidhu threatens to go on a hunger strike

Former cricketer and commentator Navjot Singh Sidhu created a minor ruckus in the commentary box today after he was not allowed to recite Urdu couplets he had memorized. The incident occurred during the first one-day international played between India and West Indies in Kochi.

Everything was fine in the commentary box till Siddu got carried away when a West Indian wicket fell. As soon as Siddu saw the batsman walking back to the pavilion, he opened his mouth and recited one line. But before he could finish, his fellow commentator a flunky, who was the 15 man during Bangladesh’s first tour of India in the early cretaceous, stuffed a bottle of mineral water inside Siddu’s mouth.

Siddu was then told that the channel that was airing the commentary had barred him from uttering couplets and that was hammered into the contract Sidhu had signed. But Sidhu denied the charge following which he was shown a copy of the contract and asked to move out of the commentary box.

Things got messy at th…

Pakistan launches new warship to counter INS Vikramaditya

Sources in the Pakistan Navy have told Humor Unplugged that the new warship christened PNS Osama will be “huge” and “massive” and will be able to carry men and samosas to different ports in sunny weather. The ship has been named after Pakistan's most loved economic citizen Osama Bin Laden.

“The ship will help us counter India’s INS Vikramaditya. It is 100 percent waterproof. We have also deployed photoshop experts to make it appear more massive than it actually is. Eitherway I am sure the enemy is scared, if not at the ship then definitely at our stupidity. We have also deployed escort ships to protect PNS Osama,” Pakistan Navy Chief Mullah Gomar said.

Aamir Khan's commentary box appearance at Wankedhe - controversial moments

So we all saw Aamir sandwiched between a star struck Ravi Shastri and a giggly Harsha Bhogle. But did we actually hear what he said and see what he did? Now we are aware of the sensitivities here considering the fact that this is batting maestro Sachin Tendulkar’s last match. But need to say what we heard and saw else Humor Unplugged will just be another wannabe blog. So without further ado, we present to you the most controversial moments from Aamir's stint at the commentary box.
Aamir brought chocolates for Shastri and autographed atleast 8 books for him; none of which were written by Aamir including Shastri’s food coupon bookletWhat’s that on your head?? Certainly doesn’t look like hair to me. You shouldn’t be wearing living things on your head: Aamir to BhogleYou need to expand your vocabulary: Aamir to Shastri There are certain inherent imperfections in the game of cricket..which is why I don’t play this game: AamirKids are tiny imperfections: Aamir Khan on what Children’s Da…

Iranian space monkey defects to Afghanistan

In what could be considered as a major embarrassment for Iran, a monkey it had allegedly sent to space just a few months back has defected to Afghanistan. The defection was discovered on Sunday evening, when Iranian space agency (Al Space) officials were not able to trace the simian after he disappeared from his quarters and had not been reporting for duty for the past few days.

Meanwhile NATO sources reported detaining a monkey which had crossed over from Afghanistan with ‘sensitive papers’. The unnamed monkey was detained early Sunday morning at a sensitive airbase in the country and was being interrogated.

The monkey was part of Iran’s first sub-orbital space mission and had become a national hero in the country. He was infact so popular that one point of time the then Iranian president Mohammad Ahmadinejad had stated “the monkey is not what you should be paying attention to. We instead want you to focus on the capability of our scientists”.

It is still not know why the monkey de…

Shastrisms on India’s Mars Mission

Imagine Ravi Shastri giving a live commentary on India's Mars Mission. Well, thank god that didn't happen. But still, we have attempted to conjure up a scenario wherein the former Indian spinner spins a set of Shastrisms to cover what is arguably ISRO’s most proud moment yet. So over to India’s very own cliché man Ravi Shastri..

The weather is fantastic and ISRO scientists are all set for the agency’s maiden mars mission. The atmosphere here is electric. You can feel the tension in the air. It is almost as if you have missed an EMI payment on your credit card.  First Moon and now Mars; missions are coming through thick and fast for the IndiansTarmac report: It’s a dry tarmac with a bit of grass here and there. I wouldn’t call this tarmac 'juicy' but then, I don’t have a straw with me today. The tarmac is flat and launches will come aplenty.  It’s a big day for ISRO and a big day for IndiaThe Polar Satellite Launch Vehicle-C25 (PSLV-C25) is playing the role of sheet anc…

Pakistan mulling imposing sanctions on US: PM

World’s terror capital Pakistan is all set to review its relationship with Washington, the prime minister's office said on Sunday, following the killing of the Pakistani Taliban leader in a US drone strike. Pakistan, according to sources, is also considering imposing ‘punitive’ sanctions on United States.

Hakimullah Mehsud, who had a $5m (£3.1m, Pakistan Rs 3500 billion) bounty on his head, was killed on Friday in the north-western Pakistani militant stronghold of North Waziristan, near the Afghan border. The ‘cultivated’ Pakistani asset was instrumental in bringing in revenues of over US$ 300 mn to Pakistani spy agency ISI through drug trade and it was under his supervision Pakistan army extended its network of terror nurseries from 173 in 2003 to over 750 by the end of 2012.

Among the measures being considered include Pakistan using Chinese drones to bomb random areas in its North West to compete with drone attacks perpetuated by US drones.  Pakistan PMO sources told Humor Unpl…

Godman dreams of seeing news item in Times of India; sparks frenzy in Mumbai

Mumbaikars went to sleep on Thursday night in anticipation of the big day that lay ahead. A big time godman had dreamt of reading a newsitem in India’s own page 3 spreadsheet Times of India. It seems the godman Slipper Sarkar had dreamt on Wednesday night that the Times of India will publish a news item among the myriad ads it publishes, on Friday.

It maybe recollected that rumors of Times of India publishing news items has been around since quite sometime. Sources familiar with the print media sector opine that after Times of India stopped publishing news items about a decade ago, many from across India claim to have seen genuine news articles in the newspaper, every now and then. The reports are however far and few and categorized alongside UFO sighting reports.

“I am not too sure about the whole thing. It might turn out to be another futile gold chase. Times of India is not a newspaper anymore it is instead a giant advertising platform. There are ads everywhere and inbetween ads th…

Archaeological Survey of India sets up dream hotline

Archaeological Survey of India has set up a dream hotline where people can call in with their “gold related dreams” and the agency will send in people to dig and excavate.

The only condition is that the dream must come to a reputed person such as godmen, politicians involved in scams of over 50,000 crores or retired bureaucrats who are now working for companies that they were dealing with while they were in service with the Indian government.

In a special interaction with Humor Unplugged, Archaeological Survey of India director Dr. Syed Jamal Hasan today said that his organisation is dedicated to uncovering buried treasures and would rely solely on dreams by reputed people.

“It is to meet this goal that we have established a hotline where people can dial in and describe their dreams in detail. We will then dispatch a team of archaeologists to the site and commence the excavation process. There are many parameters that we will use to determine the priority such as amount of gold hidden…

Imran Khan faints as John Kerry goes dressed as a drone to meet him

Not many know that US Secretary of State celebrated Halloween in Islamabad.

It was a normal Thursday for Imran Khan till Kerry landed up at his doorstep dressed as a US predator drone complete with sound and scare. Here is how the events unfolded on the day that the cricketer turned politician will never forget.

At 6PM, Imran Khan finished his daily meeting with senior Talibani officials and stepped
out for a long walk in his lawn. As he was walking, suddenly Khan heard a swishing sound and turned around only to see a predator flying at ground level. Khan at first ducked and tried to hide screaming “I Love New York” and even tried to recite “Oh can’t you see”. Stress soon got the better of him as he fainted, rolled down a small mound and suffered a grade 1 wardrobe malfunction before coming to rest on a boundary wall.

It was then that the drone revealed itself or rather himself. It was none other than Kerry dressed up as a drone who had landed unannounced to celebrate Halloween in t…