Times Now's Arnab Goswami releases the Arnab doctrine

In a move designed to stamp his authority over the Indian media landscape, Times Now’s Editor in Chief Arnab ‘the nation needs to know’ Goswami released a collection of media principles for TV journalists under the umbrella of ‘The Arnab Doctrine’ today. Among other things, the book lists out over 5000 ways to shut guests up and make a mockery of their presence in the studio.

Happy times: Arnab, Nidhi and Bachchan before the
event

The doctrine was launched at a well-attended ceremony held at Taj in Mumbai. In attendance were Bollywood’s grand poobah Amitabh Bachchan and Arnab’s former colleague and NDTV journo Nidhi Razdan. Speaking at the event, Arnab said “the whole purpose of having an interview is to ask questions and not to obtain answers. I mean anyone can give an answer but it takes a real journo to bury a guest under a barrage of questions and drown his ego in a river of queries”.

Next to speak was Amitabh Bachchan. As and when he started, Arnab interrupted him. “One minute Mr Bachchan, one minute, just a minute, hold on, one minute pleaseeeeeeee, one minute please, one minute, ek minute, one minute, one sec, one sec, one sec, one sec Mr Bachchan, let me complete, one minute, may I complete, sir,” Arnab said.  “But Arnab, I haven’t…,” Bachchan began. “No sir, one minute I have a question for you please answer that first. Is it true that your wife,; your one and only legally wedded wife; the one who married you and the one who you refer to as your better half has problems with your daughter in law Aishwarya Rai? Answer me, Mr Bachchan, the nation is asking and the nation needs to know. In fact even my wife asked me this question today before I came here so even my wife needs to know” Arnab said.

“It is utter…,”began Bachchan only to be interrupted almost 70 times in a minute by Arnab. Unwilling to create a scene, Bachchan quietly walked away from the podium. Next up was Nidhi Razdan. As soon as she stepped up to the podium and before she opened her mouth, Arnab was more than ready to prevent her from speaking. “Ms Razdan, no, no, no, nono, no, no, no, no, no, no one second, one second what do you have to say about your latest controversy? Arnab asked. “What controversy,” Nidhi retorted unable to fathom the fact that she had actually managed to complete her sentence without being interrupted by Arnab.      

“No, no, one minute, one sec, just a second, one minute, one minute, one minute hear me out,” Arnab blurted. No one was interrupting him but Arnab was behaving as though he was in the Times Now studio and 50 people were stopping him rather than the other way round. An angry Nidhi folded her arms in disgust and gave him a fiery stare which would have melted a normal person within a nanosecond. But Arnab survived and he went on and on. Nidhi simply took off one of her heels and flung it at Arnab. The heel hit Arnab on his head and bounced off injuring a member of the audience. Arnab fainted couple of minutes later after completing his question which was inaudible.

The event ended abruptly and Arnab was taken to the hospital and admitted to a ward named after him.

Highlights of the Arnab doctrine for TV anchors, interviewers and newscasters

• Your show is only 60 minutes long so make sure you get to speak for atleast 59 minutes
• Your guest is on your show just to show his or her face; the show belongs to you
• It is very important to ask as many questions as you can. More questions mean more TRPs
• Make sure all questions are asked; answers don’t matter
• Giggle as often as you can to display sarcasm
• Poke your pen in the direction of the person you seek to mute
• 1800 questions should be prepared for every 60 minutes of primetime 1200 would do for a late night broadcast
• Relish every moment of broadcast especially when a guest goes silent in sheer frustration of not being allowed to speak
• Presume guilt and pass sentences even before the show begins (through a trailer)