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Showing posts from June, 2011

Its official: Tom Cruise will star in Ram Lakhan-II

Tom Cruise has been signed on by some Bollywood producer for the second instalment of the highly successful Anil Kapoor starrer Ram Lakhan. The sequel titled Ram Lakhan – the wrath of Shoddy Singh, captures the story of a simple villager from UP and will be shot in exotic locales in New Zealand, Peru, Bolivia and Spain.

Sources in Bollywood have told Humor Unplugged that since Hollywood had so graciously accepted Anil Kapoor, it was only fitting for its Indian cousin to repay the favour. “But unlike the more snobby guys in US, we will be showing Tom in all the trailers and he won’t be a surprise package. He is infact the lead villain Shoddy Singh in the movie,” our source said.    

Blabber mouth Digvijay Singh meanwhile described this development as a 'huge victory for the secular forces in the country'.

Uday Chopra creates a rift between Home and Culture ministries

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No sooner had alleged actor Uday Chopra announced his retirement from 'active' acting, a war of words broke out between union home and culture ministries. Both ministries and attached babus went to town claiming to be the force behind the 'wise' decision by the Chopra kid.

“It was us. No one else was involved. You see we were trying to convince him for over 2 years now and just when we made the guy retire, the home ministry babus pounce in and hijack the achievement,” a culture ministry babu fumed. On the other hand, the calm and composed home ministry babus promised to dispatch a 10000 page dossier to support their claim. “Our minister Sri. P Chiduji made Uday Chopra listen to reason and announce his decision to quit. In fact we asked him to hold back the announcement as we were waiting for the LPG hike as this would bring some respite to citizens of our country,” a home ministry babu said.

In no mood to give up, the home ministry has decided to launch a campaign to cl…

UPA releases half yearly report card

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It’s the end of June, one half of the year is now over and it is report card time for the UPA 2. DAVP, the publicity arm of the government, didn’t miss this deadline and brought out an ad highlighting the achievements of UPA 2 as of June 2011. A copy of this was also given to Humor Unplugged for publicity. Here is the ad which seems to be aimed at the young urban dweller out there.



Tihar readies Shobraj suite for Maran

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Tihar jail authorities have told Humor Unplugged that a special suite, which once housed the notorious crook Charles Shobraj, has been readied for housing DMK’s phone bandit Dayanidhi Maran. Maran, it may be remembered, is now days away from an arrest and possible prosecution in the 2G scam.    
“We have truckloads of evidence against Dayanidhi Maran and are waiting to get our hands on the traitor. The moment we arrest him, we will make sure that he will never have to join a weight loss program in his entire miserable life,” a senior CBI official said.      

At Tihar, meanwhile authorities have decked up the Shobraj suite to house Maran. In addition to a weighing machine which monitors his ill-gotten weight, authorities have also dumped nearly 300 old dysfunctional landlines in the cell to make the DMK MP feel at home. "We have also set aside a sink for DMK Grand Poobah Karunanidhi's extended weeping sessions. He can cry as much as he wants here. He will be visiting this pla…

Back off China - stop your aggression in the South China sea

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An open letter of support to our friends in Vietnam fighting Chinese aggression.

Dear Vietnamese friends,
We have read how China has been bulling your country over your territory during the last few weeks.  We have also heard how the cowardly bully unleashed its army of hackers and defaced many of your websites. All these are signs of an immature and insecure bully out to project its hegemony in its neighborhood.  

This letter is written on behalf of the people of India and we intend to tell you that every Indian is with you in this fight. We will lend you every support you need to fight the regional pain-China.

There is something about China that makes many Asian nations loathe her. For one, China doesn't believe in peaceful resolution of concerns and indulges in all forms of territorial aggression against peaceful nations. We here in India have been at the receiving end of this dictatorial hegemon’s belligerent lunacy since our independence. Despite our best intentions – even …

Images for the week gone by - nature to summer evenings

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Digvijay Singh’s firm may bag Pak government’s million dollar bullsh*ting contract

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Digvijay Singh owned and promoted Digvijay Bullshi*ters (DB) has entered the final lap of the race to win a US$ 3.5 million Pakistan government contract to provide multi-pronged Bullsh*ting Services (BS) to that country. Digvijay Singh’s firm is among the 5 shortlisted by the Pak government to make a final bid for the contract.

In Jan this year, Pakistan government invited EoIs from firms offering BS from around the world.  In terms of numbers, Pakistan government is today the world’s largest Bullsh*ter with one outrageous statement or immature activity being highlighted every 27 seconds. Due to certain unfavorable domestic circumstances, Pakistan decided to outsource all related activity and floated EoIs for a Multi-Role Wide Range Non-Combat Bullsh*ting Services provider (MRCBS). EoI responses came from around the world including China, Iran, Libya and Australia. Digvijay’s firm is based out of UK and filed a response from London.

After two rounds of elimination, 5 firms are now le…

Simi Garewal's wax statue appears at Madame Tussauds

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Absolute pandemonium broke loose at Madame Tussauds in London today morning when a statue of Indian blabber aunty Simi Garewal appeared out of nowhere right in the middle of the famous wax museum. Stunned onlookers and curious bystanders stood speechless as the alleged wax statue which bore a striking resemblance to the Botox goddess suddenly materialized and vanished into thin air.

“It was right there next to that statue of Jennifer Lopez over there. I saw that statue and it was not there earlier some minutes ago. I immediately rushed to call authorities and before we could reach the spot, the statue had disappeared. We immediately launched a search operation but could not trace the statue,” a visitor who had witnessed the whole event said. His version was confirmed by many eye witnesses at the scene who were equally scared and confused.

Museum authorities declined to comment on the incident stating the matter was under investigation. When Humor Unplugged contacted Simi Garewal, she…

Magazine for corrupt clowns launched

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Live-in Media has launched magazine for the corrupt in India...


Dancing in the dark

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Arindam Chaudhuri sues Aishwarya Rai Ficus Bachchan

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Nutty professor, certified joker and all round clown Arindam Chaudhuri has filed a lawsuit against soon to be mother of twins and Amitabh Bachchan’s daughter in law Aishwarya Rai Ficus Bachchan. The suit, seeking an undisclosed sum in USD as damages, has been filed in a court in Silchar, Assam and alleges that Aishwarya has blatantly copied Arindam’s so called trademark ponytail look without giving ‘due credit' to the pesky freak.

Chaudhuri’s lawyer says “the respondent has caused grievous injury to the brand value of my client who has promised me a laptop if I win this case. Even otherwise, my highly admired and valued client who is as well known as Iraq’s vice president and as respected as Libyan dictator Muhammad al-Gaddafi has been insulted by this unjustified and insensitive copycat act. My client has asked me to file a case and seek appropriate damages from her”.

The lawyer who has defended many ameboid slime balls such as N D Tiwari in the past, went on to say that his cli…

Google Street View faces official resistance in Bangalore

Google has stopped collecting images for its Street View service in Bangalore after the local Police dashed off a letter asking it to get ‘relevant permissions’. Security concerns were cited by cops as the reason behind the move. However, day long investigations by Humor Unplugged revealed a different and a more sinister reason.

Google had launched the street view project to collect high definition images only last month in the city. However, within a day of the launch, the project ran into trouble as Google’s cameras captured a range of government servants raking in bribes from hapless victims across the city. “We saw babus collecting bribes by the dozen outside government offices, traffic junctions, crossroads and even outside movie halls. We were surprised by the magnitude of the whole thing. I mean I knew there were a few rotten apples. But looking at the footage I was shocked,” a Google executive involved in the project said on condition of anonymity.

But how did Google know that…

Images for the week gone by - reflections

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How they celebrated Father’s Day

How a selected few celebrated Father's Day

Arnab Goswami – posted 33 questions on the wall of his father’s facebook profile..saying “the nation needs to know Mr. Goswami”. The exact nature of the questions asked by him is still unknown.

Kapil Sibal – Went to the airport to receive his dad.

Dayanidhi Maran – Gifted his dad a wireless telephone exchange

Montek Singh Ahluwalia – took his dad on a vacation to Switzerland on government expense

Pakistan – decided to construct a shrine for Osama at the mansion where he was killed

Pakistan army – Pakistan’s Chief of army Staff. General Ashfaq Parvez Kayani sent a special bouquet to Admiral Mike Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, US  

B S Yeddyurappa - all bribes and commissions collected today will be channelled to his dad’s account

Rajdeep Sardesai – Didn’t dye his hair today and neither did he apply jackfruit gel on it

Suresh Kalmadi - purchased a high end ink pen worth 300 Rs for 3000 Rs from Bhindi Bazar. Gifted the pen's cap …

India's most wanted terrorists live longest

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Want to live till apocalypse? Then have yourself declared as a most wanted terrorist in India. Some braindead publication which did a survey of most wanted terrorists across the world came up with figures that suggested that our most wanted terrorists live longer than any of their counterparts elsewhere.

Research lead Dr Hammershmidst says “If you are a most wanted terrorist in India, chances are that you will play with your greatgrand kids. Most of these terrorists are holed up in Pakistan which is sparing no expense to ensure that these guys are well looked after. Pakistan has taken a vow that it will harbour as many terrorists as it can and take good care of them. As a consequence, these terrorists will live for quite sometime unless they end up in the bad books of US. The funny part is not the guys who are abroad but the ones who are rotting in jails in India. Kasab will definitely die of old age, in the cell where he is kept”.

Among 73 countries surveyed, terrorists wanted in I…

Sibal tries to bring John and Bipasha together

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The unusually busy and public welfare focussed UPA government has intervened strongly to bring forth a truce between feuding actors Bipasha Basu and John Abraham. Sources in UPA have told Humor Unplugged that the decision to this effect was taken at a meeting held at the residence of finance minister Pranab Mukherjee on Thursday. The empowered Group of Ministers decided to dispatch union HRD minister Kapil Sibal to talk to the actors and get them to be a pair again.  

Kapil Sibal reached Mumbai around at around 9 am the next day and got busy right away. He met both John and Bipasha separately and had a joint meeting with them later in the evening. Our source who was present at the meeting said “Both Bips and John were very angry with each other. While John accused Bips of turning into a desi Hulk Hogan, Bips alleged that John was showcasing his innerwear more than his acting skills in his movies. The two nearly came to blows sometime later. But Kapil Sibal told the guys the whole pro…

Sidhartha V Mallya on Dinner with Simi Garewal...

Humor Unplugged presents Simi Garewal's exclusive interview with Sidhartha V Mallya...


SG: Now that your small date with Deepika Padukone is over…do you feel weak? Do you feel subdued, tied or confused? It must have been tough. Are you crying deep inside? How do you feel right now? 

SVM: I feel…I feel…I feel noxious yewww what is that stinky smell and those fumes?

SG: pardon a moi that’s those chemicals they use to preserve my body. You see I am no longer all that young and need to use a mix of manure and mushroom extracts to keep my skin on. Anyway so how does it feel to have broken up with Deepika Padukone? Do you still miss her? Do you long to be with her? You poor little jalebi breaking up at such a tender age must have been terribly painful. Do you want some strawberry candy from Simi aunty?    

SVM: Hello lady, don’t make it sound so bad. We just had a fling and now we are back to being single and I ain't upset and I am feeling fine. But it seems like you need serious tim…

Ways to get into Delhi University

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Delhi University has announced that students will need 100 percent marks to get into the first cut-off list for various programmes in its affiliated colleges. Now this is indeed remarkable but as usual there’s nothing to worry. We give you ways to get around this rule. Here we go.

• Why join as a student, when you can easily join as a faculty member?
• Route your admission form through Mauritius or Cayman Islands
• Book your seat through Snapdeal.com and get a 35 pc discount on marks
• Book seats in bulk and get 25 percent off
• Date the vice-chancelor’s kid
• Say that you will ‘repay’ the remaining percentage as EMI over the next few years
• Become a politician or an actor and DU will chase you with a doctorate
• Say that you live in the same cell in Tihar as Kannimozhi\Kalmadi
• Get into Bangalore University and seek a transfer
• Go for their ‘no-frills’ low percentage service – correspondence
• Become an academic consultant to DU
• Threaten them in Arnab Goswami style with 33 ques…

Karunanidhi family to diversify into piracy; acquires Somali pirate group

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After looting the nation of 1000s of crores, India’s most hated family – the Karunanidhis have decided to invest their ill-gotten wealth in Somali piracy in a big way. Humor Unplugged has learnt that Karunanidhi’s family firm Karunanidhi Sons has brought over a Mogadishu-based pirate group in an all cash deal on Monday.

“The entire nation knows that Karunanidhi’s family is filled with cheats and thugs but now, we will have pirates too.  Diversification is an important step for us since the domestic public fraud market at the national and state level was getting saturated and with a change of regime in Tamil Nadu, there was no way we could have committed more fraud there,” Karunanidhi Sons’ CIO and owner of 323 (now)dead landline phones in Chennal, Dayanidhi Maran said.

Sources say that the deal was inked at a cost of approximately 78 million dollars, routed through Karunanidhi’s account in Cayman Islands. It is said that the group owned by Karunanidhi has already hijacked two oil ta…

Al Qaeeda wants Osama's recovered slipper

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Treasure hunter Bill Warren has been called a clown many times before. But he wanted to offer concrete proof to all believers and therefore embarked on doing what could turn out to be the biggest joke of his forgettable existence – to recover the body of Pakistani army’s guest terrorist Osama Bin Laden. His attempt bore nuts on Monday morning with the recovery of what Bill claims is the first piece of this jigsaw puzzle.    

Who is Bill?
California-based Bill salvages stuff from ship wrecks for a living. When he heard about Osama, he told himself ‘now that’s a wreck you don’t wanna miss'. Over the past 3 decades, Bill, claims to have discovered over 150 wrecks and recovered loot that totals several million dollars.

Within the first 10 hours of the search itself, Bill’s crew came across a slipper purported to be that of the dreaded terrorist. The slipper was found adrift nearly 800 nautical miles south of Karachi port. The excited team scanned the entire area using sonar and a deep …

Ask Pin anything - corruption

This week, a eleven year old asks our agony Panda Pin a very important question

Dear Uncle Pin,
I am writing to you because I am worried about the future of my country. I have read in the newspapers that some people have cheated India of crores of rupees and many of them are walking free today. Why do politicians become dishonest? Will these bad people be brought to justice – ever?
Vikas
VIth Std., Pune

Dear Vikas,
Your country is going through a tough phase. This is probably the worst period in its post-independence history. Every nation goes through a phase of introspection and India is no exception.

What we are seeing today is the outcome of decades of dishonesty, corruption and insincere and incompetent governance. Dishonest people had started abusing the freedom and responsibility available to them to cheat the nation and its people. When it comes to freedom India is miles ahead of China. I mean here in China I have to seek permission in writing just to visit the restroom. People…

Images for the week gone by - F-16 Thunderbirds to Chilean volcano

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Sho(e)ot at sight

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This week Humor Unplugged throws a virtual footwear at clowns who deserved it more than anyone else on this planet.

1. Baba Ramdev for diverting attention from the real issue – corruption 2. Digvijay Singh – a gentle reminder to keep his mouth shut 3. Mumbai underworld 4. Maoists 5. Montek Singh Ahluwalia for delaying the 12th Plan with unneccsary foreign junkets 6. China for irritating Vietnam in South China Sea 7. Dayanidhi Maran and Sun TV 8. Indian Olympic Committee

Apocalypse delay irks Arnab Goswami

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Like all other kind-hearted anchors, Arnab (the nation needs to know) Goswami expected the world to end on May 26. His channel had made big plans for covering the event live with feeds from 30 cities across the globe. He had even gotten a few psephologists to predict the post-end of world scenario.

But alas, things didn’t go as planned and apocalypse didn’t happen. Now an angry Goswami has revenge firmly planted on his mind. He has decided to set a slot aside every week on his news show New Hour to 'interrogate' various people to get to the bottom of ‘what could be the biggest conspiracy in the history of human race’. For this week’s episode, he has already drafted a few questions for guests who will be decided over the next two days. Humor Unplugged managed to get a copy of the questionnaire and we are presenting it here. Reader discretion is highly recommended.
Why is the apocalypse being delayed? Who is behind this inordinate and inappropriate delay?Is there a conspiracy be…

Research and Analysis wing nominated for Nobel Peace prize

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Reports coming in from Oslo indicate that India’s external intelligence agency RAW has been nominated for the prestigious (post-paid) Nobel peace prize. Our sources say that a formal announcement to this effect will be made by the awards committee either today or tomorrow.

“Yes, it is true. India’s Research and Analysis Wing or RAW has been nominated and that too in the (peace) post-paid category and that is indeed an achievement for the agency and the Indian government,” a member of the Nobel committee said. In aftermath of a non-deserving Obama winning the peace prize, the Nobel committee had clarified that Obama had won what they called a ‘pre-paid’ prize. “This does not mean that the winner has paid us to bag this award. It merely means that while pre-paid winners like Obama are those who have displayed a potential to win, the post-paid winners are the actual winners who have won the prize based on their achievements,” the member said.    

“RAW has demonstrated remarkable ability…

Images for the week gone by - Hillary in Pakistan, Obama and more

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