Why the botox mummy got angry with India's leading journo
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Angry with Mulayam Singh's statment, summons High Commisioner
CBI is serious about naming criminals looting the nation since Indus Valley Civilisation
Implementing reforms is a tough job for anyone
Sunday, May 30, 2010
National Association of Jihadi Services Companies (NAJCOM), the umbrella body of all Jihadi groups operating in Pakistan has already passed a resolution asking members to work more closely with the government. NAJCOM had hitherto raised a banner of revolt against the government when the latter tried to end the tax breaks extended by Pakistan to Jihadi organizations till 2012. Not only did Pakistan have to backtrack on that move, but the government also had to issue over 400 passports in a single day (a record for Pakistan) to Jihadis who were chosen for onsite assignments to placate the militant groups.
“We have been receiving adequate support from Pakistani government so far. They have not just funded, trained and armed us, but also given us moral support, whenever needed. The fact that we are such an integral part of Pakistan’s foreign policy doctrine gives us ample amount of assurance that Pakistan will not pull the rug anytime soon, even though they are as reliable as Dell’s customer service (industry benchmark for shoddy service including customer support desk manned by technical illiterates),” a senior NAJCOM executive told India’s number one blog Humor Unplugged.
According to informed Mullahs, the demand for trained Jihadis will soar as recession draws to a close and overseas hate groups have restarted the stalled process of scouting for new targets to launch terror strikes. It may be noted that Pakistan already has over 300 Jihadis working onsite in over 70 countries.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
“These employees represent the scum of the airline and must be disposed off immediately to ensure that the airline functions effectively. Since India has signed a reverse extradition treaty with Qatar to export the rot of our country to them, we urged the government to place the union leaders in the same category and ditch them in Qatar. We have also kept an aircraft on standby and as and when these union leaders go on strike, the cops will arrest them and hand them over to us, after tearing their Indian passports. We will then fly them to Qatar and leave them there. They can spend the rest of their lives with M F Hussein,” a senior AI official told Humor Unplugged over a flight diverted at the orders of uncivil aviation minister and Naresh Goyal stooge Praful Patel.
Canada has meanwhile indicated that it will give work visas to the striking employees and has placed them under the category of “persons belonging to an admissible category”.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
According to sources as reliable as Pakistan's commitment to the war on terror, Red Shirts' representatives met Ram Sena executives on Saturday and discussed ways to use the riot model designed by Mutalik to maximize the impact of the ongoing stir in Thailand. Ram Sena’s commercial wing Riotworks spokesperson appeared confident that Red Shirts will buy Riot in the box and use it in Thailand. “The package is designed to create riots even in places where people don’t even point fingers. And once it is implemented, there is a domino effect and the effect of the riot just goes on multiplying till such a time that the political objectives are met. The best part is that the riots can be guided from a remote location and the course altered as per the changing political scenario and response of opposing parties. This is a must have for parties that want to come to power on the basis of violence,” the spokesperson said.
It may be remembered that Mutalik’s modus operandi for creating riots for cash was exposed by a TV channel recently. In the aftermath of the expose, aides of Mutalik hived off the riot division of Ram Sena into a separate venture called Riotworks to explore the business potential of the riot model developed by Mutalik. Ram Sena is planning to list Riotworks on the bourses and sell licenses for engineered riots to interested parties across Asia.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
According to the doc, carbon terrorists might act against states by holding hostages, blowing up infrastructure or even engaging governments in low intensity conflicts to attain their goal of reducing the carbon footprint of nations. “These terrorists will use a mix of traditional and unconventional terror tactics to force governments into signing protocols to reduce carbon emissions, use eco friendly technologies. Eventually, these terrorists will make governments do many things they otherwise wouldn’t have and that won’t be good for their respective economies. You know what’s worse? The fact that these guys will be ultimately working for a good cause and that’s scary, as they will be able to gather public sympathy with ease,” Hammerschmidst said.
Hammerschmidst has prepared a report on the emergence of Carbon terrorism after conducting multipronged research for nearly 4 years. He has already submitted a copy of the report that he has prepared to the UN and hopes the findings will be taken seriously.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Company sources say that there is a huge demand for such robots in mullah dominated countries like Pakistan, where fatwas are issued at the drop of a Talibani leader in UAV bombing. “The robot needs to be programmed extensively and one needs to make sure that various parameters are correctly fed into its database. The accuracy of the fatwa will depend on the accuracy of the data fed into it. The robot looks exactly like a donkey riding, leaving eating, fatwa spitting stone age mullah and we have gone to great lengths to ensure a uncanny resemblance,” says a company source who didn’t wish to be named.
Humor Unplugged was allowed to take a sneak peak at a prototype of the mullah robot and we also managed to get a really nasty close up of the animated fatwa pronouncer (viewer discretion is advised). “Currently, there is a shortage of about 23000 fatwas a day. Infact no fatwas have been issued for many critical issues as the mullahs were busy taking their donkeys for a spin on country roads. These mullah robots will close this gap effectively,” a senior company mullah (who helped develop the robot by providing conservatively senseless inputs) told Humor Unplugged, before dashing off to download a Carla Bruni wallpaper.
Monday, May 17, 2010
“Tell me one thing, what is Pakistan known for today? Islam? Democracy? Cricket? And the answer is none of the above. We are known for only one thing, which is terrorism. If it hadn’t been for terrorists, we would have been as famous as Chad or Gunniea Bissau and so we have a lot to be thankful for, when it comes to these destructophiles. In fact, in other countries, they count billionaires and powerful iconic people; but when it comes to Pakistan, we count terrorists, gun runners and jehadis,” screamed Pakistani foreign minister while outlining the stellar role played by terrorists in Pakistani history. Qureshi was so loud that he was audible even in parts of Lahore city, even though he was addressing a terrorist group in Muridke.
Humor Unplugged, India’s number one blog, has learnt that the funds for the memorial will be drawn from the aid that Pakistan is receiving from USA for its dubious role in the so called war on terror. The memorial will be inaugurated by noted terrorist and Pakistani economic citizen Dawood Ibrahim.
Hillary Clinton has meanwhile issued another warning, the tenth one this week, to Pakistan. “We are worried about the increasingly apparent role of Pakistan in aiding and abetting terrorist activities around the world. If another attack on US soil is traced back to Pakistan, we will bomb that nation to stoneage. This is why I am saying they should do such activities in a very discrete manner so that no one knows who is behind a terrorist attack. They should even think of outsourcing their hideous activities to another nation so that the blame doesn’t lie on Pakistani doorstep,” Hillary said at a press event in New York. She had to leave the conference in a hurry as a aide informed her that Bill Clinton was spotted without his pants with a lady in downtown Manhattan.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
A birds eye view of New York
The Indian team's performance in the T 20 world cup was all about fizz...without any substance
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
“Agreed that no one will target them either way I mean the way these guys play, they will not even find a place in the T 20 squad of Maldives. But even if someone does harm them, it’s not of much concern to us and we will infact welcome the development. For the current crop, money is the only thing that counts and for money they have done a Madhuri Gupta on our country. Shame on them and the BCCI selectors,” home minister Chidambaram said. The Indian cricket team members will now be provided ‘A’ category security, which means that they will now get a watchman with a whistle.
Meanwhile as the entire nation got together to condemn a lackluster performance, many companies that had hired the money minded two timers decided to ditch them. Reliance Industries Ltd., who had hired allround amoeba Ravindra Jadeja, decided to fire him right away. In a press release the company said “Mr Ravindra Jadeja was under a contract with RIL and as per the terms that he had agreed to, his tenure in RIL was coterminous with his tenure in the Indian cricket team and the continuation of the 3 month contract was purely based on his performance as a member of the Indian team. Now that Mr Jadeja has failed to live up to the expectations set forth in the contract, RIL would no longer require his services and the RIL family wishes him success for a wonderful stint with the Qatari T 20 team”.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The delegation, comprising several MPs and some MLAs from various states will fly an Air India flight to UK soon. Union uncivil aviation minister Praful Patel has already agreed in principle to divert a scheduled Air India flight to UK to help the cause. The chosen MPs and MLAs who are known horse traders and have sold themselves for a hefty premium during government forming negotiations on many occasions will share their horse trading knowledge to their UK counterparts.
Head of the delegation Chavvani Lal says “This is a great move and we need to ensure that all our horse trading knowledge gets transferred to our friends in UK so that they can also put together a government soon. I am delighted by this opportunity and the fact that me and my family will be getting a chance to visit UK on government expense”. Chavvani Lal, a two time MP from a cow belt state has already amassed assets worth over 4000 crores and is known to hold benami stakes in two IPL teams, all thanks to horse trading.
“I hope to bag a good deal for myself soon and need all the help that is available or can be sought. I have heard of MPs being sold like cattle in many countries and I hope UK won’t be an exception to this rule,” says Kevin Kadu (name changed) elected UK MP who didn’t want to come on record. Humor Unplugged has learnt that there are many MPs like Kevin waiting to sell themselves for the right price, as and when the horse training window opens.
The following are some of the new rules that will be implemented once the disastrous T 20 world cup campaign is officially over:
• Those players who have been run out in at least one match will be air dropped in Maoist dominated areas with pamphlets praising the Indian government
• All established batsmen with a strike rate of less than 105 will be forced to take Mayawathi on a dinner date
• All established bowlers who have taken less than 8 wickets will be forced to listen to Mamta Banerjee’s 2010 railway budget speech 8 times a day
• Fielders who have dropped catches will have Jayalalitha dropped on them from the third floor of a building
• Players who have partied after 11 pm during IPL and have performed badly in the World Cup will be sent to the Indian embassy in Islamabad with sensitive papers
• Players who have performed well in IPL but have failed during the world cup will be asked to interview Arundathi Roy
• Ravindra Jadeja will never wear the Indian jersey again. He will be deported to Qatar
• The personal ids of every team member who was part of the disastrous campaign in the Caribbean, the team manager and phsyio will be published on the BCCI website
• The team will be handed over to a Khap panchayat as soon as they set foot on the Indian soil. This panchayat will then decide on a suitable punishment for the crooks in blue
• No team member will be able to tweet or access his social media account for another year
• Players will only be allowed to feature in certain categories of ads such as those for diapers, sanitary napkins and toilet cleaners
Sunday, May 9, 2010
It is no secret that USA is keen to deflect attention from Pakistan after the latter's role in the most recent episode of terror came to light. Our investigations reveal that the Obama administration is more than keen to hide Pakistan's dirty linen behind a carpet of bogus investigation. Whats even more shocking? US' military aid to Pakistan is all set to double.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Recently, IIT launched new courses to suit the changing needs of organizations like Al Qaeeda and Lashkar-e-Toeiba, who are prime recruiters from the institute. The new courses, recognized by the Pakistani government and its armed forces, will serve to bridge the yawning gap between traditional terrorism involving suicide attacks and neo terrorism involving innovative terror tactics such as shoe bombing and shampoo bombing. Humor Unplugged has managed to obtain a copy of the new prospectus issued by IIT for the aca-doom-ic year 2010-11. Here is a list of the new courses, as mentioned in the document:
ISI Certified Shoe Bomber: A specialized course that will arm students with necessary knowledge to carry out shoeicide attacks on targets. The course will also teach the IQ-challenged students who enroll to tie their shoe laces.
Advanced Diploma in Home-based Bio Terrorism: teaches students to convert household items such as 10 –day old curd and unwashed garments into weapons of mass destruction.
Degree in brainwashing and indoctrination: The student is transformed into a donkey riding, stone age minded, brain dead, peace hating mullah by the end of the course.
Degree in farce communication: The student will be able to effectively leverage conventional and non conventional media to propagate varied terror ideologies by enrolling in this course.
Degree in International Terrorism: Students can seek jobs as terrorists in over 60 nations across the world after successfully completing this course.
Speaking on the sidelines of the convocation ceremony of IIT in Islamabad, Pakistani PM Pant Geelani said “We need to export more terrorists. So far have only covered nearly 50 countries and if IIT continues its good work and USA keeps ignoring our evil activities, every country in the world will house Pakistani terrorists who will be blowing up buildings, aircrafts, ships and religious institutions with ease”.
US doubles aid to Pakistan
After a Pakistani link to a terror incident was found for the umpteenth time, US has decided to double its aid to the terror capital of the world. “We have to help Pakistan send more people like Faisal Shahzad to our country to cause mayhem. I am of the opinion that you will not be able to respect freedom till you have terrorists like Faizal roam freely in USA. Pakistan is undoubtedly the world’s most prolific supporter of terrorism and we have to do our bit in ensuring that the world turns into a dangerous place with the help of Pakistan,” US President Barack Obama said
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
“Yes, we have send teams to apprehend the notorious criminal behind this heinous act. This mouse has attacked one of the highest office bearers in the state and has therefore challenged the very foundation of democracy in Bihar and we will not leave him\her. We have already rounded up a few suspects and are chasing a couple of leads. Don’t be surprised if we apprehend the perpetrator soon,” ACP Chubby Lal told Humor Unplugged over a gtalk chat.
The Intelligence Bureau has meanwhile claimed that it had issued a specific warning to the Bihar government on a possible bite attempt on the state CM. The state government, according to sources, was warned that a group of mice affiliated to Al Qaeeda had infiltrated the state from Nepal.
Pakistan denies link
Pakistan has denied any connection with the recent incident of a mouse biting Bihar CM Nitish Kumar. A statement released by Pakistani embassy in New Delhi says “Pakistani government has no knowledge of the incident but, will extend all possible cooperation to help India bring the perpetrator(s) to justice”.
Air India plane diverted…
India’s number one blog Humor Unplugged has learnt that an Islamabad bound Air India plane was detained at Patna airport on Monday night following reports that certain suspicious mice were onboard. The plane was taxied to an abandoned runway and the suspected mice were deplaned and taken to a nearby police station for questioning.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
“We have conducted due diligence on the status of governance and visionary leadership across India. We have come to the conclusion that UP government represents a mix of poor leadership, ineffective governance and myopic policies that will place the state firmly on the path to stone age. Mayawati is fit to rule a banana republic like Pakistan and is not able enough to even run a lemonade stand, let alone run a state,” Chavvani Lal, jury head for the award said in an exclusive interview with Humor Unplugged.
By the time the press release on her award hit the wires, 3 statues of the ‘charismatic’ UP CM had already sprung up in various parts of UP.
DMK honcho and Tamil Nadu CM Karunanidhi bagged the best ‘save my rear’ attempt award. Karunanidhi got the award for his bold moves to put pressure on UPA to save the tainted goon A Raja from being kicked out of the cabinet for his INR 45000 crore impropriety in the 2G spectrum allocation scam. “Behind those dark glasses sits a man blinded by the love for his family members and key party personalities. Karunanidhi will go to any extend to save such people even if he has to beg, cry or enter into an unholy deal” Lal said.
Other winners include Andhra CM Rosiah who won the Chandrashekar award for administrative inertia (instituted in the memory of the late PM Chandrashekar) and Manipur CM Ibobi Singh, who bagged the Lallo award for emerging political dodo.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
As part of the plan, Airtel will start charging customers for making calls to its customer care operators across the country. The calls will be charged at 50 p for every three minutes and will be increased after the customers make more than a single call to customer care a week. Further, Airtel will also charge customers 45 paise for every ring on an unanswered call. And that’s not all. Airtel will also be levying customers a fee for registering on the national do not disturb registry.
Confirming the development, Bharti chief Sunil Mittal said “we are gonna be more stingy in the future, we will be squeezing the customers for all they are worth till our balance sheet becomes more balanced. Bharti’s CFO has been asked to put the organization on a diet and tap into hitherto untapped sources of income to keep the ship afloat.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
The deployment is seen as an invitation to similar IQ challenged sleuths in Pakistan’s intelligence apparatus to continue their espionage activities targeted at the Indian embassy in Islamabad. “It was in 2007 that we had realized that Pakistan had not managed to gain access to confidential information residing in our embassy there. That was when we decided to send a vulnerable figure there. It had to be a person who could easily compromise national secrets and handover confidential information easily. Madhuri Gupta did all that and more. Now Arundathi Roy will continue in her illustrious footsteps,” says a senior external affairs babu unapologetically with a sheepish grin.
Humor Unplugged has learnt that Arundathi Roy has been already been handed over confidential papers from the recently concluded Thimphu summit of SAARC leaders for her to use bait to lure Pakistani sleuths. Arundathi, who is almost a Pakistani when it comes to her hatred for India, has not only accepted the offer but also enrolled herself for a crash course in Urdu at JNU in Delhi. She will be moving to Islamabad by the end of May 2010 and RAW has been instructed to “ignore” her, once she starts her work in Islamabad to facilitate easy movement of sensitive information to Pakistani intelligence agencies. "She (Roy) had the exact profile we were looking for - someone single, loony and most importantly someone who hates India like anything. She will be the new Pakistani mole in the embassy," the proud babu said.
In Thimphu, Pak PM Geelani had requested his Indian counterpart to depute a replacement for Madhuri Gupta soon as Pakistan was 'missing her services'. Stressing the importance of Madhuri, the Pak PM said "Without a mole like Madhuri, our intelligence sleuths will have as much information on India as a diplomat in the Sudanese embassy in New Delhi".
Meanwhile, sources have told India’s number one blog Humor Plugged that a confidential IQ, general ability and decision making test conducted on several senior officials of external affairs ministry in late 2008 had produced startling results. Of over 40 officials scanned, 36 were not able to distinguish a spherical object from a rectangular one. 16 thought that India was a monarchy, 29 were of the opinion that rains were caused by several folks in heaven loosing bladder control simultaneously.23 were only able to recollect 15 English alphabets while 19 highly intelligent external affairs officials were only able to count till 29. That’s the kind of people who are part of our external affairs ministry. It therefore comes as no surprise that the entire nation had to feel ashamed and disgusted over their criminal negligence in the Madhuri Gupta spy saga.