Hours after Trump, Arnab Goswami claims elimination attempt

Pretend journalist, motor mouth and pay-per-word Modi spokesman Arnab Goswami claimed someone made an attempt on his life early Sunday. At a hurriedly convened press conference attended only by Arnab's 3 creditors, food coupon delivery agent, laundry collection agent and his LIC agent (the last 3 were tricked into attending), Arnab made a startling claim that a fellow journo who couldn't digest Goswami's alleged success, tried to eliminate him.

"As I was attending to some immediate chores of national significance (he was actually washing clothes at the instance of his wife Pipi), I suddenly ducked only to hear a projectile fly by at a significant speed. If I hadn't ducked, the projectile would have hit me and the nation would have lost a beacon of objective and diligent journalism," Arnab said using the event to boost his ego.

Arnab claimed that a rolling pin resembling national news nanny Borkha Dutt was flung at him from the airspace linked to South East sector Bravo. If the pin had hit Arnab it would have certainly caused some injury to his ego. It may be noted that Sector Bravo lies right above the residence of fellow journalist Rajdeep Sardesai. 

Arnab alleged that the event was an attempt on his life planned and attempted by a senior journo. "Many journos are jealous of the success I have achieved at Creepublic channel. This attempt was one such senior journo whose hair is as white as fresh snow and who washes clothes with a straight bat," Goswami said. 

"Just like there was an attempt on former President Donald Trump in the US, this was an attempt on my precious and important life. I am the only journo whose life is in danger because of the paid positions I have taken in my pretend profession," Goswami added.

Rajdeep meanwhile claimed he had nothing to do with the event. "This guy was just trying to look for excuses to avoid washing clothes without offending his wife. The fact that the rolling pin involved was never recovered and Arnab has no visible wounds indicates that this was as real an incident as Arnab's credentials as a journo," Rajdeep told Humor Unplugged over tea.

"The wounds are within me. The whole event has left me scarred and my ego is not going to be the same ever again," Arnab said while countering Rajdeep. 

Government launches inquiry 

The Central Government has set up a single-member committee with stationary, food coupons and instant noodles packs to investigate claims of Arnab Goswami. 

The inquiry will be headed by a retired stand-up comedian who has performed before a crowd of 50 plus people in at least 3 cities as per the criteria published by the union government and seen by India's most visited satire blog Humor Unplugged.

"The NDA government is not interested in knowing the findings of the report," a source said. 

 

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