Pakistan announces tough sanctions on Russia; promises more

In a move designed to scare Russia into withdrawing from Ukraine, World’s terror capital Pakistan today announced a series of sanctions on Russia. A spokesperson for the Pakistani foreign ministry today announced the sanctions at a thinly attended press conference filled with hired lackeys and ministry employees disguised as journalists.

What are the sanctions on Russia?

Among the first of the sanctions, Pakistan will no longer send jihadis and trained terrorists to any part of Russia or parts under Russian occupation. “This is a principled stand we have taken in line with the core values of our state. From now onwards no terrorists for you,” Mulah Gomar, Pakistani foreign minister and minister for factory seconds said at the presser. By stopping the supply of terrorists, Pakistan, according to analysts, aims to rob Russian security forces of a chance to get trained in urban warfare.

“International peace is no joke and people should take it as seriously as a Jerry Seinfeld episode. Russia, by sending its forces into Ukraine, has violated several rules. Russia should have instead contracted us Pakistanis to send trained jihads into Ukraine the way we have been sending them to over 100 countries. The ISI has 2 battalions of braindead and fossilized Jihadis ready to obey any command from the HQ. We could have easily shipped them to Ukraine via Punzo, a jihadi shipping app,” Gomar added.

 

Protest against Russia ignoring Pakistani jihadis in Karachi

Towards the end of the presser, Gomar showered the mandatory praise on his masterland China. “Russia should learn from China how to colonize foreign territories. They did that with Tibet, Inner Mongolia and Xinxang and now they have fully colonized Pakistan without firing a bullet in our direction. Creepy colonization is the best form of colonization,” Gomar said before bowing down before a statue of Xang Xing, Chinese ambassador and governor designate of Pakistan Autonomous Region.

The presser ended with a bomb explosion.