Government unhappy with World Happiness Index report; blames UN for an inaccurate report

The World Happiness Index report released by UNDP yesterday did ruffle a few plastic feathers in India. 

Modi government had summoned the UNDP India head to explain why India's rank is still high in the World Happiness Index report 2022. The summons was served via a Dunzo delivery agent as all official connectivity in the parliament complex was down due to some digging activity being carried out by a utility company in the Parliament annex area.

“As far as our reading of the situation goes, we should be in the lowest 5. Ranking us at 136 out of 146 countries is simply not accurate. The average Indian has so many anxieties to deal with. From rising oil prices, increasing taxes, declining GDP, uncertainties over retirement funds and the declining quality of entertainment avenues in India,” said Godul Kumar, Secretary and vice-in charge of passing the blame department. 

The summons was delivered after 18 hours as the delivery agent was stuck in a 16km long traffic jam. UNDP India Head Carlos Sanchez de Mello responded to the summons and arrived with his usual nonchalant look and patented indifference. “I am here to meet the officials and explain the logic behind the report over a round of tea and snacks,” de Mello said.

At the end of the meeting, UNDP was asked to shut down and surrender its office(s) in India. By the end of the day, UNDP HQ in Lodhi Estate was taken over and renamed to host an organization called Uttam Naveen Desh Pariyojana, tasked with bringing out India’s own version of the World Happiness Index report. “Now the true story will come out. Just like we have our own media houses, we should also have our own such reports so that we control the narrative. We will show it the way the government wants us to show,” some random bureaucrat who was newly transferred to the new UNDP and awaiting the truck laden with his official furniture said.

Ministry for Anxiety Escalation and finance Nirmala Sitharaman pooh pooed the utility of such reports. “I was very happy yesterday when we added two new taxes and the prices of petrol were raised by 4 Rs. But were people happy with the move? The answer is no. So happiness is a very subjective matter and so we should leave it to the Modi government to decide what happiness is. Therefore we are going to change the definition of happy people to include those who are unhappy by choice. I mean anyone who cannot be happy is happy by default as they are looking for happiness in the wrong places. But one cannot find happiness unless one knows what is happiness and so anyone searching for happiness is already happy as they know what happiness is. Now please go back to your respective newsrooms and spread the word,” she said before slithering off to color and noodilize her hair.