Pakistani troops operating in Azerbaijan, confirms defense ministry

In what has been termed as a disclosure, conflict republic Azerbaijan has confirmed that a detachment of Pakistani troops is operating on its soil very close to the conflict zone. This admission came in a late evening chat between Humor Unplugged and Azerbaijani defense minister Zakir Hasanov.

While admitting the presence of pakistani troops, Hasanov outlined the reason for their presence as well. “There is a very specific reason for them (pakis) being on our soil. They are part of a complex plan drawn by my ministry to cater to a specific eventuality,” Hasanov said. He however declined to spill the beans on the specific contingency his ministry was considering. He claimed that he was not at liberty to disclose the reason.

When pressed further and when we told him that speaking to Humor Unplugged is akin to shouting in a vacuum as we have just enough visitors every month to tell Google that the site is alive, he was more forthcoming. “You know the pakistani army is a very specialized force and they have a very strong capability in one area which might be helpful for us in the short and long term, Hasanov disclosed.

“To understand why the pakistani army is here, you have to understand why the Turkish army and air force are here as well. The Turkish armed forces are here to fight the enemy (Armenians) while the Pakistanis are here in case we lose the fight and have to surrender. No army in the world is more qualified to surrender than the Pakistani army, he added.

“The pakistani army has a long history of surrendering even before a bullet has been fired. They have surrendered over the hills (Kargil), the plains (Lahore), over water (Karachi), underwater (PNS Ghazi), and they have even surrendered virtually over a Microsoft Teams conference call as well. So the Pakistanis will be our go-to-army in case we lose the battle and have to surrender. As soon as that eventuality emerges, the Pakistani army will be brought to the fore and they will handle all formalities,” Hasanov said.  

Azeri artillery strike towards the
 positions of Armenian
separatists in the breakaway region
of Nagorno-Karabakh

“They march with a white flag, carry surrender documents on their person all the time and even create stories claiming they have won when they have been thrashed black and blue. Every weapon carried by the Pakistani soldier has a surrender mode. They are the only army in the world that has such weapons.  These are extraordinary skills and methods and we need them to do the surrender on our behalf and we are clear about it,” he added.

When asked if the Pakistani army is fighting in any way in Azerbaijan, he almost fell from his chair laughing uncontrollably. After gaining composure, he said “I know very well what the Pakistani army is capable of. The whole army cannot be relied upon to defend a hut if it came to that. We have to understand that the Pakistani army is an army only on paper. On the ground, they leave the battleground as soon as the first bullet is fired or even before. I am told that they know all the hiding places in Afghanistan to use in case the Indian Army moves in. So I wouldn’t want them to fight for my country.”