India deploys Times Now’s Navika Kumar and Republic TV on the India-Tibet border; China pulls back

Making another aggressive move, the Indian government today deployed a series of weapons to deter china across India’s border with Occupied Tibet in Ladakh. The weapons include UAVs, communication interceptors, weaponized choppers, and a weapon that drew an angry response from the other side. The move that riled china was the deployment of India’s national news aunty, Arnab Goswami's mother-in-law and self-confessed news vulture Navika Kumar at a strategic pass on the Line of Actual Control.

Navika Kumar was carried to the location in a modified Mi-26 chopper with additional fuel pods and other undisclosed modifications. She was taken from the Hindon Airbase early noon yesterday. As soon as she was deployed, she took over a few tents and got down to work immediately. Her team in Delhi meanwhile hacked into Snapchat messages of chinese troops deployed on the border and passed them on to Navika who broadcast them on loudspeakers.

The messages were downright embarrassing and funny. Angry chinese People’s Loafing Army troops started firing indiscriminately in desperation to silence the loudspeakers “我和我的宠物小精灵一起睡觉，那是我小时候读过 (Wǒ hé wǒ de chǒngwù xiǎo jīnglíng yīqǐ shuìjiào, nà shì wǒ xiǎoshíhòu dúguò de)” went one message intercepted from PLA commander Han Weiguo that Navika read out loud. “饿了我还是尿尿”went another. 我迷恋其中一个飞天小女警女孩, 我怕转向架人 followed.

Navika Kumar of Times Now

Within an hour PLA troops withdrew to a few kilometers within their holding zone to escape the messages. Navika also started asking questions directly on the loudspeakers and her irritating voice caused even more trouble. "What eh are your eh thoughts eh about eh chinese eh intrusion eh? How do eh feel eh representing eh a dictatorial eh country eh? How eh do uh feel eh about eh being on eh occupied eh soil eh...," Navika went. 

While this was going on, Republic TV journalists were unleashed who went about hounding the withdrawing Chinese troops. “What have you got to say on the Sushant Singh incident? Went did you last take drugs and when are you appearing in front of the NCB? What are your links to sunbeam, the drug peddler?”  

The Chinese side was furious on learning about the deployment and threatened to reply in an equally disproportionate manner to India’s ‘belligerence’.  Xi Jinping’s personal secretary and grocery in charge, Min Min Pot condemned the move by India calling for observing restraint on behalf of Xi Jinping who was having his daily ego massaging session conducted by the PLA top brass.

By evening, China lodged a format protest at the United Nations, calling India to withdraw what it called 'weapons of disproportionate destruction.' With Navika vanishing from Indian television screens, the nation had another reason to celebrate. 

"If the chinese still don't learn, we will unleash Kangana Ranaut next," a senior Defence Ministry official said.