Arnab Goswami is a thyroid maniac: Rajdeep Sardesai

A clash broke out between the poster boys of Indian newsdom Arnab ’36 questions’ Goswami and Rajdeep ‘Old Monk’ Sardesai. The subject matter of this week’s clash is a TRP ratings chart released by an agency which showed that Times Now’s coverage of Narendra Modi’s so called ‘Puppygate’ managed to grab more eyeballs than CNN-IBN. Is that the whole story or did we miss something? Read on to find out what or rather who made the duo duel.

Sources close to Rajdeep Sardesai said that he was confident that his channel had managed to beat Times Now this time around and was waiting for the numbers to prove that. But when the numbers showed that Times Now had taken a huge lead over CNN-IBN, Rajdeep started sulking and refused to attend a meeting of the Broadcast Content Complaints Council (BCCC) citing ill-health. The CNN-IBN Editor-in-Chief also withdrew from Twitter and didn’t write those 500 columns he pens every week for all types of publications.

Few days later when Rajdeep returned to work, there was a get well soon card featuring a giggling Arnab waiting for him in his cabin. A furious Rajdeep tore the card apart and called for an immediate press conference inviting journos from all TV18 group news channels. There were so many media folks from TV18 that few of them started throwing random punches to eliminate competition, only to realize that the recipient was a fellow TV18 journo.

“Arnab Goswami has gone out of control and needs to be controlled for sake of this nation. Scams can wait; so can everything else but this is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. Over the last 7 years, Arnab Goswami’s behaviour has created many unruly episodes leading to premature greying of hair on my head. He has no ethics, moral values or principles all he cares about is TRPs and he and his channel can go to any length to gain TRPs,” Rajdeep declared.

When asked to elaborate, Rajdeep said “Arnab Goswami has a thyroid problem. Due to which he is unable to control his temper and his behaviour. Thanks to his recent shenanigans, I was slapped by a 3000 year old mummy and today, he tried to insinuate me by sending get well cards after manipulating the TRPs for Puppygate. He has turned into a maniac and I would request the Indian government and BCCC to urgently intervene in this matter”.

No sooner had he finished his sentence, Arnab appeared at the press conference. “I have papers with me dated July 4th indicating that you had tried to send 2kg Gulab Jamoon to a senior member of the TRP monitoring agency, to bribe him. Do you deny this, Mr Rajdeep Sardesai”? Asked Arnab.  Adjusting his tie and hair, Rajdeep replied “anybody can wave anything. Let me have a look at that paper (walks up to Arnab and snatches the A4 sheet from his hand). “This, Arnab, is not any piece of evidence but is instead your grocery list. Your wife has asked you to bring 2 kgs of bittergourd. It is good for your thyroid,” Rajdeep said, as the whole room burst into laughter.

Regaining his composure, Arnab pulled out another paper from his pocket and screams “this here is the paper I was referring to. Now, Mr Rajdeep Sardesai, are you ready to confess or do I have to get Navika Kumar (Times Now journo) to smile at you? Rajdeep snatches the sheet and reads it. Within minutes, his face turns red with anger. “Arnab, now you have done it. How did you come across my wife’s hairdo bill? You sneaky weasel I am going to turn you into breaking news,” Rajdeep said. “Bring it on mutant, I have been waiting for this for quite some time,” Arnab said.

The two get into a tussle and cops are called who come in and split the two. Both are then taken to a nearby clinic and discharged after first aid. In the melee, attention shifts to two women wearing burkhas and chatting. As the journos leave the room, the two open their hoods and reveal their faces. Lo and behold it’s the aunty duo of Barkha Dutt and Simi Garewal. Both are unable to control their laughs and almost fall off their chairs. “But tell me one thing, sending the card was easy but how did you get hold of Rajdeep’s wife’s hairdo bill,” asked Barkha. “I had a little help from the netherworld,” replied Simi and then suddenly a thick cloud of fog emerges.   By the time the fog clears, there is no sign of Barkha or Simi.