Hafiz Sayeed stole my lunch in Pakistan: Yasin Malik

Kashmiri separatist clown and drought-face Yasin Malik, has claimed that he was never on a fast during his recent Pakistan trip but was forced to do so by none other than Pakistan’s home grown Osama, Hafiz Sayeed. He made this not so sensational claim during an interrogation session conducted jointly by RAW and IB in New Delhi today morning.

Chubby with grumpy

“Yes I was there at that meet(in Pakistan). I was to be paid Rs. 2,50,000 to attend one session. They (ISI) had told me that they had arranged a feast at the venue in my honor,” Malik said. The meet in question was organised by ISI and our sources in Pakistan tell us that the version blurted by Malik seems true.  

“I was asked to wear my natural frown and sit and whine as though Poonam Pandey had just finished explaining sub atomic particle deceleration that occurs at the edge of the universe. After just half an hour, Saeed landed at the venue, moved around for a while and vanished.  After a couple of hours when I moved towards the lunch area, I was told that everything was over. There was nothing left. Even the vessels had been licked clean. That chabbu glutton Sayeed had finished everything on the menu in a hurry and scurried,” Malik added.    

Our source adds from Islamabad: realising that an incredible PR opportunity was at hand, ISI then asked Malik to stay put at the venue while alternate arrangements were being done to feed him. While Malik was still seated, ISI’s PR wing went into an overdrive and announced that Malik had started an infinite fast demanding all kinds of things for Kashmir. Malik was meanwhile promised an enhanced compensation plus a Sayeed sized doggie bag to carry leftovers back with him.

All those promises however remained promises as by evening ISI agents and Malik’s handlers left the venue quietly as the media in Pakistan did not buy their story. A distraught and hungry Malik also left promising never to return. Not only did he lose his food, he was also not paid for his services rendered to ISI.

RAW sources tell us that Malik after his return to India had proposed that he was willing to switch sides and speak about the need to integrate Pak Occupied Kashmir with India provided he was paid enough. He also said that he travels to Pakistan only when he gets bored of freedom and democracy available across the Indian state of Jammu and Kashmir.

RAW and the Indian government turned the offer down stating Malik had almost as much credibility as Kamal Khan on twitter.