We have evolved a ‘Cold Start’ strategy to take on UPA

BJP President Nitin Gadkari in an exclusive chat with Humor Unplugged’s political editor Rajcreep Sorefakeeye.

BJP chief inaugurating a new wing
of the parliament cafeteria

Rajcreep: Mr. Gadkari, almost half of the 28-day Monsoon session of parliament is over and the UPA is still unscathed and almost rejoicing over its ability to quell opposition. What exactly is or was your strategy to corner UPA over all that has gone wrong in the last 256 days? 
Gadkari: We have developed a Cold Start strategy to attack the UPA government. But unlike the one formulated by the Indian Army which involves rapid mobilisation of troops, ours involves subtle maneuvers. Our strategy is all about chilling out till the parliament cafeteria snacks arrive and going there and munching on them for the rest of the day. This is going to be our daily routine going forward. In the winter session the same strategy will be applied; but then BJP MPs will sleep late and come to parliament late, head straight to the cafeteria have snacks and then head home after swiping their cards. My instructions on this are clear.

Rajcreep: Are your kidding? 
Gadkari: No sir, I am not. I already have 3 kids and don’t think wifey will agree for more. (starts laughing uncontrollably, his chair cracks and Gadkari falls on the floor with a 2.0 on the Richter scale). God, I have to get stronger chairs.

Rajcreep: I mean I don’t understand the logic behind your statement.
Gadkari: Dude, instead of wasting time applying dye on your hair if you were to spend time listening to Arnab on Times Now you wouldn’t be asking such stupid questions. Anyway, let me explain. See when the next elections happen, we don’t want to be sitting in the opposition and want the people of India to fire us as the main opposition party and you know what that means? We will form the next government. UPA becomes opposition, since they have performed badly as a government and we form the next government since we have failed as the main opposition party.

Rajcreep: Interesting. But you could still corner this ‘injured’ government. 
Gadkari: Look, I have better things to do than attack a government that is already on the brink. I would rather enjoy my parliament snacks rather than wasting my time posing unwanted questions. We could become a responsible opposition party but, what if the UPA collation turns into a responsible government? That is a risk I am unwilling to take. So let things be the way they are.

Rajcreep: so basically you are trying to say that we wont have an opposition for the rest of UPA tenure? The Left parties have withdrawn into a shell. The rest of them don’t exist and the independents are not dependable and there we have it - a dysfunctional democracy.
Gadkari: Indian democracy is like a great kitchen. Everyone is cooking something or other at the same time. Congress goes BJP comes and vice-versa and anyway people are too busy with their own lives to notice anything. As long as they elect clowns to rule over them, what else can they expect – a circus at the national and state levels. Cooking reminds me it is now time for my mid-day snack. It was nice chatting with you and please convey my regards to your readers.