God particle to be found soon; honest Indian politician elusive

Scientists hoping to figure out how the Universe began will find a long-sought theoretical particle — or evidence of its existence — by the end of 2012, the director of the world's largest atom smasher claimed on Friday. That was however the good news and heres the bad news. The task of finding a honest politician in India will take atleast another 150 years as the target is not just rare, but seems non-existent.

Rolf Heuer, director of the European particle physics laboratory, said his confidence was based on the latest findings from the $10 billion proton collider deployed under the Swiss-French border. Rolf's team, which is also tasked with finding a honest and incorruptible leader in the Indian political landscape, is however not so optimistic over making such a find, anytime soon.

The Higgs boson isn't just any particle. It is considered the linchpin of the Standard Model of particle physics theory that supports the Big Bang theory. It is believed to answer a fundamental question about why matter has mass, a question that has plagued researchers like Bhappi Lahiri since the 70s. The particle is thought to lend mass to other particles, and thus to objects and creatures, in the Universe.

"I would say we can settle the question, the Shakespearean question — 'to be or not to be' by the end of next year," Rolf told reporters at a physics conference. “However, we have not found any encouraging signs pointing to the existence of a honest politician in India. A key feature of the atom smasher is its ability to detect weak multi-frequency signals emitted by  morally upright politicians and we have so far scanned almost 90 percent of India using multiple frequencies and wavelengths and there was not even a faint signal to indicate the presence of such species,” Ron added.

When Rolf initiated the project, his team was given two tasks - first prove the existence of ‘god’ particle and two to find out if a respectably honest politician existed on the Indian political landscape. So while the team has made considerable headway in finding the ’god’ particle, the honest Indian politician continues to elude the array of complicated equipment deployed by Rolf’s team. Rolf however claims that all is not lost yet.  “We will deploy another series of equipment including a wave spectroscanometer to analyze the areas scanned so far to see if we missed a prospect,” he said.  

The world's most powerful atom smasher -
the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva