Skype weekend: Niira Radia

Kenya-born and London-educated corporate lobbyist Niira Radia heads Vaishnavi Corporate Communications, a firm mired in the 2G spectrum auction controversy. In this exclusive Skype interview with Humor Unplugged’s Rajcreep Sofefakeeye, Niira tells us how the system in this country is designed for exploitation by people like her and A Raja.

RS: Your personify all that’s wrong with the Indian democracy. A corporate power broker who connects the scum of governance with the rotting muck floating around in the corporate sector to facilitate fraud, cheating and criminal conspiracy.
Niira: Thanks, I am indeed flattered. But it’s not as rosy as the picture you have just painted using your limited vocabulary. There is lot of red tape at the national level and you need people to smoothen it all for you. Corporate entities are just like the aam aadmi who pays for everything from a driver’s license to water connection.  And we are the brokers in between who ensure that the whole process goes on smoothly for all parties concerned. We just make life easier for everyone.

The 2G scam eco system - key players

RS: You cannot compare the aam aadmi with your so called corporate entities. Even if the aam does pay a bribe, he still has to pay his dues. I mean if you want a water connection, even if you pay a bribe, you still end up paying whatever is due to the supplier and this is where things change. In your case, you helped many companies turn eligible for the 2G spectrum auction and then cheated the government of 1000s of crores of Rupees which the government should have got in the first place if the spectrum was auctioned.   
Niira: You don’t get it do you? See this is not about the auction alone. If you look at the bigger picture you will see that a bribe has been paid to facilitate a transaction and that is the truth for aam aadmi and the corporates.

RS: So what all services do you offer?
Niira: We have various packages depending on the budget and task. We can act as a single window for your firm if you want to say set up a steel plant in some part of the country. If you opt for this package, Vaishnavi Corporate Communications will get all the clearances delivered to your corporate HQ. If you have already identified the guys to be bribed in the government and do not want a single window pack, you can go for the Ala carte pack wherein we will help you identify more bribe takers as you move forward and expand operations. In case your project is running into some rough weather on the media front, we can guarantee positive media coverage for your firm for 30 days straight. Vaishnavi can even have a CD maligning your rival circulated in the media for a special fee. We even have a package for your blog.

RS: How can you help Humor Unplugged?
Niira: I can get MPs and ministers in the union government to comment on your blog using their official ID. I can get them to follow your blog on Facebook or even to endorse your blog in public or name your blog during a live parliament session. Imagine how much mileage your blog will get through all this?

RS: Thanks but no thanks. We don’t need endorsements from people who don’t connect with our blog. Besides we don’t want to get help from the very people who are laughed at in our blog.  
Niira: Suit yourself. I could have taken your blog to new heights not just in the media but everywhere. Just say aye and I will call Bharkha and Vir now and I will even give you a special offer too.

RS: Are you in touch with any of those international arms dealers? 
Niira: Yes, a couple of them. I won’t take names here and if either one of them signs up, I can retire before the end of this fiscal.

RS: Anyone else who you are currently talking to?
Niira: A group of Somalian pirates have expressed interested in our lobbying prowess. They want us to handle their PR portfolio. Nothing has been finalized yet.  

(Facilitated by Skype.)