Breakthrough in Kashmir crises: Stone throwing gene identified

A team of geneticists in Bangalore have achieved a remarkable breakthrough. They have managed to identify the gene that turns people into vicious stone throwers.  The discovery, with widespread ramifications for the security forces in Kashmir and elsewhere, was announced at a crowded press conference in Bangalore today.

Disclosing the find, team lead Dr Hammerschmidst said “we have been working on this for the past 8 years and yesterday night we were finally able to pin point the gene. The identity has been confirmed and we have shared the info with the home ministry. We are now working on a drug that can suppress this gene and prevent it from expressing itself in people. This will help the security forces in disturbed areas from being held hostage by mobs armed with stones and other projectiles”.

Hammerschmidst and his team have been doing several non-lethal and harmless tests on mice caught from a minister’s house in New Delhi for several years now. After several rounds, Hammerschmidst’s team was able to identify a set of mischievous mice that were shoving projectiles at other mice and indulging in arson. The team isolated these mice and studied them extensively and after studying them for 6 generations, the gene was finally isolated. The next part of the research involved finding the counterpart of the gene in human beings, which was done in two years.

“Handling mice was the toughest part of the research. Since these were mice with political connection, they used to behave oddly. Some of them would mingle with the crowd and give inflammatory speeches causing other mice to burn some of the paper mache props we had placed in the cells. Another bunch would corner all food for themselves or loot other peaceful mice in the vicinity. I am glad that part is over,” Hammerschmidst said.

Speaking on the find, union home minister P Chidambaram said “this is great news. The next step is to find a way to contain this gene and develop a vaccination. I want you to imagine the potential of this development. Not just in Kashmir, even in my farmhouse, urchins will no longer be able to throw stones at my guava fruits to steal them. We might even administer it on bowlers who are known to chuck,” he said with a giggle, unable to contain his excitement. The discovery was also welcomed by Congress spokesperson Manish Tiwari, who said “what we now need is to find ways to extend this research. We need to find an antidote for those pesky news reporters who keep poking their pencils at the audience. This is the most depressing show of chauvinistic sadism and must be muted with every available resource”.

Meanwhile separatist clown and frustrated fossil Syed Shah Geelani has condemned Hammerschmidst and his findings. “We need to condemn this development and protest by working from home on weekdays and protest in the night shift,” he said. No sooner had he finished saying this, he was dragged out of his room, thrashed and dumped in a nearby sewage treatment plant by an angry mob.