Taliban training monkeys: Pak seeks more military hardware to combat trained simians

Pakistan has prepared a fresh wish list that includes 3 C 130 aircraft, 21 AH-64A/D Apache Attack Helicopters and 32 BGM 109 Tomahawk cruise missiles to combat monkeys trained by the Taliban. The request was made by Pakistan’s defence minister in a letter addressed to US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on Friday. Pakistani media had recently claimed that the Taliban in Afghanistan was training monkeys to use weapons to attack American troops.

“These monkeys will become a big time menace over the next few years and we need to neutralize the threat now. Which is why we have asked US to help us with the latest military hardware that we can use to achieve this. The government of Pakistan is very serious about these monkeys and we are not taking this threat lightly,” Ahmad Mukhtar told media persons over an informal chat.

When told that Pakistan was trying to get its arms on military hardware by raising the Taliban bogey, an angry Mukhtar said “you think I am a clown? You think we are trying to fool the US? Well we have got news for you. First of all you have no idea what trained monkeys can do. The Lashkar-e-Taiba had raised a wing of simian jihadis some years back but had to disband the group since the monkeys were obviously more intelligent than the human jihadis and had started questioning the use of violence to achieve political goals. So you need to be more careful here and that’s why we are asking for those weapons”.   

No need to train Monkeys till Pak army is there: US
Chairman of Joint Chiefs of Staff. Admiral Mike Mullen has told India’s most read blog Humor Unplugged that the US has had enough of Pakistani hypocrisy on the war on terror and will not tolerate any more transgressions or lack of ‘enthusiasm’ on the part of Pakistani army. He also dismissed Pakistani army's request for more military aid to counter trained monkey jihadis.

“The other day Gen Kayani came running to me and claimed that Taliban was trying to train monkeys to fight US troops and that Pak army needed more weapons and money to train Pakistani monkeys to fight them. I told him that as long as the Pakistani army was there, we needn’t train any monkeys. I am sure you know what I mean,” the Admiral said.