Pakistan installs Automated Denial Machine outside its foreign ministry office

In a bid to improve it’s battered image in the world community, global terror hub Pakistan has installed a device to automatically issue denial of any link with any terror attack in any part of the world within minutes of the news hitting the wires.  The device, called Automated Denial Machine (ADM), has been installed outside the premises of Pakistan’s foreign ministry in Islamabad and is designed to issue a formatted denial on a range of terror events.

According to sources the device constantly monitors global news feeds and the moment it comes across a news item on terror attack, it automatically issues a denial on behalf of the Pakistani government. The denial will be comprehensive and state that Pakistan doesn’t have any role (direct or subtle) in the attack and will extend all possible help to the affected country to bring the culprits to book. The statement issued by the ADM will end with expression of solidarity with the affected country and sympathy for the victims.

“I am tired of issuing denials, whenever a terror attack happens. In the end, a Pakistan link will definitely emerge; but our intention is to soothe tempers till then. Imagine, that if a terror attack happens at midnight in India, when I am deep asleep dreaming about pokemon and creamy doughnuts, and India decides to attack Pakistan. In such a scenario, Pakistan will cease to exist by the time my morning alarm rings. We here in Pakistan cannot ignore the possibility of such a situation happening and that’s why we have installed this device to automatically wash our hands off within minutes of a terror attack,” says Pakistani foreign minister Makh-doom-II Shah Mahmood Qureshi.  

It may be remembered that china has already installed a similar device outside its external affairs ministry office in Beijing. This device periodically issues statements harping on China’s noble intentions and its pious role in enhancing global peace. It also issues periodic denials on China manipulating its own currency or encroaching on land belonging to neighboring countries.

The ADS in action during a test run