The Osama Bin Laden interview

He is the most wanted freak on the planet. A fugitive sans remorse Osama Bin Laden is today living a life of solitude somewhere in the restive North West Frontier Province in Pakistan under the watchful eye of ISI. Our correspondent cum editor Rajcreep Sorefakeye travelled all the way to the western frontier of Pakistan and came back with a exclusive interview with the man. Presenting the first interview with Osama in over 5 years.

RS: Where have you been all this while?
O: I was quite busy. You see shifting bases every single day is a tough proposition. You have to ensure that everything, including documents, food, laptop, cigars, pokimon collection and the donkeys move with me. Now that’s a tall order. Once, in a hurry, I had to leave my pokimon langot collection that was subsequently destroyed in an air raid. I was Tarzan for almost 3-4 months till someone brought me some jocks from Peshawar. Those ‘bleeping’ air raids had fried my pokimon langots and one of my close donkeys and my anger against US grew by leaps and bounds.

RS: That reminds me why are you so angry with the US?
O: Its not like I am really angry with them; I am simply mad at them. We have drifted apart over the years as irreconcilable differences have crept in our relationship. You see this is why I always tell people that relationships are always tough…someone has to first initiate it, someone has to sustain it by doing something special every now and then to ensure that the relationship stays fresh. We were very close pals during the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. But we drifted apart after that as we decided to pursue different goals in life.

RS: You have not brought out any threatening videos over the last few years. Any specific reason?
O: Yeah, my script writer was hired by someone called Mahesh Bhatt from India. He quit my job and is now based in India. I have interviewed a few candidates but have not been able to find a suitable one for the job.

RS: From a rich family to a 3BHK cave in the desert. It must indeed have been a dreadful experience…
O: Yeah I sometimes miss the good old days. But then as long as theres facebook and I am connected to my friends and the donkeys are around, I don’t miss much. The only frustration is when there’s a satellite outage or when the facebook server is down or the internet speed drops below 256 mbps; that’s when it takes ages to download those Carla Bruni wallpapers.

RS: Oh so you like her?
O: Like is a very serious term. I would rather use the word enamored. I also like Sarah Palin and given a chance I would love to discuss bilateral ties with her and remove all misconceptions. Trust me if she becomes the VP of USA, there is a great possibility of resolving all issues between us. I am dying to gift a donkey to her…she is so beautiful. If she is a hockey mom, I am a donkey dad(starts laughing hysterically).

RS: Why are you so obsessed with donkeys?
O:Because they are real a$$-ets...get it???I should have been a stand-up comedian. I would have made Jay Leno look like a rank amateur. You wanna hear the one about the donkey and preacher?

RS: So hows life otherwise?
O: Nothing much is happening. I am really bored here as is evident from the fact that I had to watch Don’t mess with the Zohan last weekend. The nightlife here is almost nonexistent and everyone just turns off their lights and shut their caves down by 10 and that’s when the day starts for me. Sometimes I walk over to the nearest Pakistani army base and plays cards with the folks there or listen to some songs from bollywood or we spend hours talking about donkeys.

RS: So Pakistan knows where you are.
O: Of course they do. I am in the same list as some chap called Dawood Ibrahim. ISI folks keep moving me around. They are too worried about my safety and well being. Oh oh time to move..looks like the US drones are hovering again. These ‘bleeping’ guys always find out where I am….please don’t forget to add a few threatening lines in your interview…thanks and bye…