Pak army chief reveals plans to use their most potent weapon
Gen Ashfake Kianahi, is the chief of Pakistani army. In the new recently for slipping into his new role and the safety of Pakistani nukes, this die hard Musharraf loyalist seems to be threading the same path chosen by his predecessor mush. Our South Asia bureau chief Doorknob Ghostsawme met Gen Kianahi and grilled him on various issues. The Gen spoke at length on safety of Pakistani nukes and the recent missile tests by Pakistan. Here is the exclusive interview.
DG: Let me get to the point straightway. The safety of Pakistani nukes has been a worry for the global community. How are you addressing this problem?
AK: Oh, you cannot say that. Our nukes are completely safe under lock and key. Infact the key is right now with the washer man, as I had forgotten to remove it from my pants when I gave them away for washing last week. (laughs)
DG: You say that you forgot the key to a key nuke installation and feel that it is a joke?
AK: What else can I say? This has been happening consistently for the past few weeks now. I feel that I should ask the dhobhi to retain the key for sometime. By the way, our washer dude is a very trusted guy. He is from South Waziristan and has spent a considerable part of his life in Afghanistan and we just employed him a few weeks ago. Infact her is a good comedian too. He ften says that he works for Al qaeeda and Osama is his chief.
DG: You mean to say that your nukes are under physical lock and key and not automated digital systems? You don’t have any modern security measures?
AK: who says we don’t? We have a regiment of trained dogs guarding our nukes 24*7. Besides, we have also constructed moats around sensitive installations and we are breeding piranhas imported from Brazil in these moats. Anyone who tries to get in will be gorged by these piranhas. We are also planning to have caged wild animals in places where we store sensitive documents.
DG: What about insiders? Don’t you feel that some of your people could be hand in glove with the Talibani elements?
AK: Yes that could be true. That's why we have stored fake radioactive material alongside the original ones. You see in the containment area, we have also stored masala labeled as enriched uranium. So if someone were to flick some of the stuff, he may actually end up having a good lunch or dinner. Infact the containment packets are so similar that sometimes even we get confused. So, someone has to physically smell the stuff to identify the original radioactive stuff.
DG: It is said that US and Israel are contemplating a plan to secure your nukes if the security scenario deteriorates.
AK: We will use the most dangerous weapon available in our armory to thwart such attempts.
DG: And what might that weapon be?
AK: The pokimon langots belonging to Musharraf.
DG: What role will Pakistani army essay once the new ‘democratic’ regime takes over?
AK: We will give the new regime complete freedom to do things like suppressing the press, subverting judicial process, going on foreign junkets and so on. But when it comes to looting and plundering the nation, we will be the only guys allowed to do that.
DG: The International community is also worried about Pakistani polls being rigged. Do you feel that these polls will be organized in a free and fair manner?
AK: A minute ago, the international community was worried about the safety of our nukes now they are worried about our elections. Why do they make up their mind? If they are so much worried about our future, why don’t they come down and rule our country?
DG: Of late you have been testing so many nuke delivery systems. If these missiles are still in the “testing phase”, how can you test them over populated areas? Aren’t these the repainted versions of the North Korean No Dong and Chinese M 11 missiles?
AK: Last year, we had imported many rockets from Sivakasi in India for celebrating Mush’s win in the presidential elections. We were however not able to use them and so we decided to take the gunpowder from all these rockets and join them into three or four missiles.
DG: Let me get to the point straightway. The safety of Pakistani nukes has been a worry for the global community. How are you addressing this problem?
AK: Oh, you cannot say that. Our nukes are completely safe under lock and key. Infact the key is right now with the washer man, as I had forgotten to remove it from my pants when I gave them away for washing last week. (laughs)
DG: You say that you forgot the key to a key nuke installation and feel that it is a joke?
AK: What else can I say? This has been happening consistently for the past few weeks now. I feel that I should ask the dhobhi to retain the key for sometime. By the way, our washer dude is a very trusted guy. He is from South Waziristan and has spent a considerable part of his life in Afghanistan and we just employed him a few weeks ago. Infact her is a good comedian too. He ften says that he works for Al qaeeda and Osama is his chief.
DG: You mean to say that your nukes are under physical lock and key and not automated digital systems? You don’t have any modern security measures?
AK: who says we don’t? We have a regiment of trained dogs guarding our nukes 24*7. Besides, we have also constructed moats around sensitive installations and we are breeding piranhas imported from Brazil in these moats. Anyone who tries to get in will be gorged by these piranhas. We are also planning to have caged wild animals in places where we store sensitive documents.
DG: What about insiders? Don’t you feel that some of your people could be hand in glove with the Talibani elements?
AK: Yes that could be true. That's why we have stored fake radioactive material alongside the original ones. You see in the containment area, we have also stored masala labeled as enriched uranium. So if someone were to flick some of the stuff, he may actually end up having a good lunch or dinner. Infact the containment packets are so similar that sometimes even we get confused. So, someone has to physically smell the stuff to identify the original radioactive stuff.
DG: It is said that US and Israel are contemplating a plan to secure your nukes if the security scenario deteriorates.
AK: We will use the most dangerous weapon available in our armory to thwart such attempts.
DG: And what might that weapon be?
AK: The pokimon langots belonging to Musharraf.
DG: What role will Pakistani army essay once the new ‘democratic’ regime takes over?
AK: We will give the new regime complete freedom to do things like suppressing the press, subverting judicial process, going on foreign junkets and so on. But when it comes to looting and plundering the nation, we will be the only guys allowed to do that.
DG: The International community is also worried about Pakistani polls being rigged. Do you feel that these polls will be organized in a free and fair manner?
AK: A minute ago, the international community was worried about the safety of our nukes now they are worried about our elections. Why do they make up their mind? If they are so much worried about our future, why don’t they come down and rule our country?
DG: Of late you have been testing so many nuke delivery systems. If these missiles are still in the “testing phase”, how can you test them over populated areas? Aren’t these the repainted versions of the North Korean No Dong and Chinese M 11 missiles?
AK: Last year, we had imported many rockets from Sivakasi in India for celebrating Mush’s win in the presidential elections. We were however not able to use them and so we decided to take the gunpowder from all these rockets and join them into three or four missiles.
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Coffee is on me. It actually is...need to change my shirt now