We have bribed the Sydney umpires: Ricky Ponting

We have bribed the Sydney umpires: Ricky Ponting

He has been described as the worst thing to happen to global cricket since steve bucknor. Ricky Ponting is easily one of the most uncharismatic, foul mouthed and uncultured captain ever. In this exclusive interview with Rajcreep Sorefakeeye, Ricky admits that he and his team have actually bribed the umpires for the Sydney test.

RS: You and your boys behaved like a bunch of uncivilized freaks the other day. Do you have an iota of sportsman sprit in you?

Ponting: I would rather win than be a good sport. Besides when you have paid the umpires a whopping amount to fix the game, you deserve to enjoy that extra bit.

RS: You mean you actually bribed the umps?

Ponting: I would like to term it ‘match adjustment fee’. Actually we only bribed the first and third umpires. Steve bucknor agreed to do our bid for free as he hates India anyway. Infact he was ready to pay us for this. The third umpire was a bit more costly but finally agreed to our terms when we purchased him for the next series also. He was the one who came up with the brilliant idea to frame bhajji for the racial thing so that we could demoralize our opposition. After the hearing, he joined us at the local pub for a drinking binge and we footed the bill.

RS: Aren’t you ashamed?

Ponting: What’s there to be ashamed and this is our natural game. We abuse players, push dignitaries off stage, cheat and indulge in all sorts of unethical and immoral behavior. How else do you think we can retain our position as the number one team in the world?

RS: How did you get so much money for paying these bribes?

Ponting: Ha, that"s a bigger joke. This is thanks to some traitors in India.

RS: Care to explain?

Ponting: You see many of our players are brand ambassadors for some traitorous Indian companies. So this time we decided to pool our endorsement money and create a corpus for bribing the umpires and use the same money against Indian team. (Starts laughing uncontrollably and falls of the chair). In hindsight, we should have also bribed the ICC and some former Australian cricketers also so that the whole thing would have gone smoothly.

RS: Anything else that we should know?

Ponting: you see we wouldn’t have stooped to these levels if it weren’t for the expectations that some people had from our team.

RS: Oh, so all this was for the fans?

Ponting: No silly, I am referring to the bookies. These generous guys have fed and clothed our team and give us plenty of pocket money. They had asked us to ensure that we win at all costs. Besides, we had also invested some of our money in betting.

RS: Why didn’t any of you shake hands with Anil after the Sydney test? He was waiting to congratulate you for the alleged win?

Ponting: Why should we? Besides we were too busy calculating the money we have won in that test. We won’t have anytime for civilities, that"s for the weenies. Besides, I was busy answering the calls from bookies congratulating us for the win and that is more important for me.

RS: You have brought much disrepute to the game, your country and your people. You are leading a team of monsters who have no knowledge of the game ands its rules. You are nothing but a bunch of yellow-livered twinkees who couldn’t stitch a pyjama, even if your lives depended on it.

Ponting: Thanks, for all the flattery and we will definitely keep this behavior up. Infact calling us monkeys is an insult to that animal.