Joke Musharraf: interview

Mushraff can only be desribed as undescribable, a many with many priorities, he is a guy who likes to push things to the limit. Now entering his 7th year in power, Mush likes to hype everything up. A man who once famously made a remark that "a mosquito that thrives on human blood can also spread diseases" is now willing to tell all. In a free throwning interview, Crimes Now correspondent Arnold Goats Saw Me and Mickey M caught up with the "General" and heres the exclusive interview....

Q: You have already declared yourself to be CEO, COAS and President of Pakistan. Is there any post that you still hope to take over?

Mush: I wanna be the captain of the Pak team especially after the recent defeat to India. Inzaman is not fit to be the leader of Pak team we will send him to Saudi on exile. I can bat better, bowl better and in case of any problems, I can approach President Bush for help he can send someone as the super sub. In fact the recent defeat was worse than Kargil actually...


Q: So you admit that Kargil was a loss for: Pakistan?

Mush: No, no! Kargil was not a loss. It is just that we did not win the war and that the Indian Army did better than us on that given day. In fact if the US had not intervened, we could have avoided whatever we were not able to avoid in this unavoidable avoidable adventure.

Q. When are you going to hang your uniform?

Mush: I dont know why people are so obsesed with my uniform. Do you see Rhinos without their thick skin, or lions without their mane or birds without feathers?? Also, no one speaks about the shorts that I used to wear in school which I still wear now?? Besides I do remove my uniform everyday before going to bed.

Q: Some call you as the PA to Bush...comment!

Mush: I resent that I did not hear anyone call me as PA to Bush. Besides he has designated me as his assistant and not PA.

Q: So whats the diffrence?

Mush: for one I dont do work inside his home.Infact I have purchased groceries for Laura bhabhi only around 10 times. I do some of the housework in White house but those can be categorised as the important chores.

Q: Your views on the nuclear deal between India and US??

Mush: we have to get whatever India gets. We seek parity...If they have M S Dhoni, we should also be given the same by Bush. Infact the other day Bush gifted manmohan an ancient chinese vase and I called Bush and cried and raised a tantrum and then he agreed to give me one along with a pukimon action figure which is like my favorite.

Q: But India is a huge country and its energy needs are more than yours...

Mush: hey Pakistan is also huge. Infact, once I stood on the roof of my house and tried to locate Iranian sea from there i could not see it...

Q: you mean Arabian sea..

Mush: yeah whatever. The point is our borders are so far away and we are also growing and producing so much terror. In fact in my own house, I have to run 1 pump,10 bulbs, 1 tv and one small bulb for the dog house. We need lots of energy to use these equipment.

Q: What is happening in Baluchistan?

Mush: India is responsible for all that.

Q: I was talking about the new gas finds there..

Mush: yeah India is..... Oh that yeah we have got some new stuff there.

Q: What about militancy there?

Mush: As I was saying its all due to India. They are arming and financing them.

Q: Any evidence??

Mush: yeah we have recovered so many CDS of bollywood films from some captured milltants. That is definite evidence.

Q: But even you have bollywood cds so...?

Mush: no I dont have anything like that infact I do not see Hindi movies they are not worth watching. In fact if you see movies like LoC Kargil, you will know that it is all about bashing Pakistan. Besides movies like Kal ho na ho, KKHH, DDLJ are all about mushy love so like thers no point in watching. Did you see those movies with that fellow whats his name that some chopra somthing who acted in some movie called niel and Nikky??? the fellow does not know acting i can do better than that infact you should have seen how I went on tv and said that I wont allow our terriorty to be used for terrorism against India. I was superb infact everyone in our household patted me for the way I said it..it appeared so genuine, so sincere. This is why I have never seen any bollywood movie.

Q: There were attempts on your life??

Mush: yeah till now around hmmm lets see 3+1=5 yeah there were 5 attempts in all..

Q: and you escaped..all how?

Mush: Its god grace and that I knew about all the attempts before hand.

Q: your math has still not improved...

Mush: what do you mean by that beligrent and belicose statement?? when I joined the Army, I could only count upto 5 now I can go almost upto 9 so I have made significant progress almost as much progress as we have done in the war on terror.

Q: Your favorite Indian leader?

Mush: Lallo, who else! He is a great leader and I admire him. Besides if I were not wearing my uniform, I would have been a politician like him and wife would be my Rabri. Sometimes I practise my lalloisms infront of the mirror.

Q: Where do you see Pakistan in another 20 years from now?

Mush: where else here only in the subcontinent. Its not like Pakistan is walking or running away to some other place right?

Q: I mean to say what vision do you have for your country?

Mush: Ok. Let me see, I forsee a Pakistan, as a leading state in the war on terror. We will also be free of terror by then and we will be havining peace with India (chuckles start) and we would have no borders with India and our people will go there and (starts giggling) they will come here and (more laughs start) and we will have trade and there will be aman and peace everywhere and and the kashmir issue will be resolved amicably (starts laughing uncontrolably and falls of the chair). (gets up gains composure and says) Ok Ok I will be serious I think we will be still a nation then...I hope.

Q: Some say you are a CIA mole do you agree?

Mush: I am not a mole I am a human being. Besides I know some people in CIA but I am not a mole or a rat or whatever. I am perfectly human may be a bit more on the neanderthal side but human none the less. This is a allegation spread by the enemies of Pakistan.


Q: Who are these "enemies"

Mush: so many are there like that guy who tried to steal clothes from my dhobi the other day. These people will stop at nothing to see that I hang my uniform. You see some people attacked my dhobhi and asked him to hand over my uniform to them. But they forgot that I wash the uniform myself. You see I wash them every morning along with begum's clothes.

Q: why are you still refered to as the General?

Mush: becuase i am not speciifc on anything. In fact, my wife tells me that when she tells me to buy grocery, I talk about procuing F-18s when she talks about the deteriorating relationship between me and my wife, I start talking about Pak American relationship and the need to bring about strategic relationship in our relationship.

to be continued................