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Showing posts from October, 2013

India hits back at China; to offer spit pasted visas to travelers from Tibet, Xinjiang and Inner Mongolia

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After years of putting up with diaper tantrums thrown by insecure commies from China, India has decided to pay China back using its own coins. Just days after China issued stapled visas to Indian citizens from Arunachal Pradesh, India has decided to issue not stapled, neither pinned, but spit pasted visas to travelers from countries occupied illegally by China. In effect India has recognized that these are nations that have been subjected to illegal occupation by a colonial China.

“We have a bought a machine that can spit paste visas to Chinese passports.
The spit is created artificially using organic waste generated from the parliament canteen. The idea is not to humiliate people from these areas but to remind China that India reserves its right to, and can pay China back in its own insecure currency. We are not even going to be stapling these visas or pinning them with rusted pins. It will simply be pasted at the back of the passports issued by the colonial Chinese government,” a …

US’ NSA spied on Indian PM too; but gave up soon

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New claims emerged last night over the extent that US intelligence agencies have been monitoring the mobile phone of Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.

A report in a US magazine said that the Indian PM’s mobile number had been listed by the NSA's Special Collection Service (SCS) since 2005 and may have been monitored extensively. It was still on the list – marked as "Indian mime" – for a brief period of time. However, sources say that the surveillance ended abruptly within months after it was enthusiastically taken up by NSA

The reason for this was the one-sided conversation Manmohan Singh used to have with his team of ministers and bureaucrats. “After monitoring his phone for nearly 90 days, we were unable to hear the Indian PM speak. It was always the person at the other end who used to speak and we could never ever hear the voice of the Indian PM. We initially believed that he (Manmohan Singh) was using another line, possibly a more secure one, for replying while …

PIL filed in Silichar court seeking ban on lifetime achievement awards

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A multi-faceted PIL has been filed in the Silichar High Altitude court to prevent agencies from awarding lifetime achievement awards to prominent personalities as that was causing premature demise of important people. The court while admitting the PIL said that prima facie there seems to be some sort of logic to the whole quagmire and wanted to examine the issue in-depth.

The petitioner who wishes to remain anonymous claims that over 70 percent of
important personalities who received Lifetime Achievement Award from a government body or from a non-government agency passed away within two years of receiving it. He also claimed that a study conducted by Bollywood director Mahesh Bhatt showed that personalities who do not receive such awards on an average live a decade more when compared to recipients.

“Because of this trend, we have started losing many important people. Infact some have started using these awards as a tool to meet their own nefarious goals and that is bad,” the petitio…

Nawaz Sharief locked in dispute with wife, seeks US intervention

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Pakistani Prime Minister and sandwich enthusiast Nawaz Sharief has called for US President Barack Obama’s direct intervention in what appears to be a classic case of domestic dispute. The request was made over the weekend during Sharief’s visit to Washington.

Now everyone knows that Sharief has asked for US intervention in the so called “Kashmir dispute”. But many in the media are not aware that the Pakistani PM has made a fervent appeal to the US president to also intervene in the ongoing fight between him and his wife that has threatened to destabilise his married life.

The whole affair started nearly a month ago when Sharief, a known sandwich aficionado, snuck out in the middle of the night for a quick snack. As he laid the first bite on the spoils of his midnight escapade, the first blow landed on his chin. Before he could gather his wits, he was thrashed mercilessly, gagged and stuffed in a gunny bag. The next morning, Islamabad police managed to extract him from a landfill in t…

Yeti was not related to Anil Kapoor: experts

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One of the greatest mysteries of the Himalayas may have finally been solved or so claim scientists.

Genetic testing has led scientists to believe that the abominable snowman - the Yeti, actually existed but it was actually a cross between an ancient polar bear and brown bear. Hair samples from what is believed to be that of the Yeti have been found to genetically match that of an ancient polar bear dating back 120,000 years. The study was spearheaded by a team of Oxford scientists. Now this what all of us know but there’s an interesting twist to the story. Read on and find out what we are talking about.

The report that Oxford University scientists prepared refers to people having terrifying encounters with a large hairy, ape-like creature in the Himalayas. A prominent page three tabloid masquerading as a national daily running time pass programs that aim to promote peace between India and Pakistan picked up this line and claimed that the abominable Yeti was related to Indian actor An…

CBI issues clean chit to Lankan ruler Ravan

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The Central Bureau of Investigation has found no substance in the allegation that former Lankan ruler and aviation enthusiast Ravan had indulged in kidnapping and unlawful confinement as mentioned in the epic Ramayan. In an affidavit filed before the Silichar High Altitude Court on Thursday, the CBI said it was not legally necessary to name Mr. Ravan as an accused in the case. The CBI was replying to an affidavit filed by anti-social activist Arindam Chaudhuri in the ongoing PIL in this case.

The agency also filed a “technical” closure report before the court and requested it to close the case without any further hearing. It may be remembered that Arindam Chaudhuri had filed a PIL in the high altitude court, which hears all frivolous and fancy PILs, asking for a CBI enquiry into allegations of kidnapping and illegal confinement against the original Richard Branson, Ravan. The court had then directed CBI to launch an immediate investigation and file a status report before it within 90 …

Deepika Padukone carries an ancient curse; astrologer warns boyfriends

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Serial dater and alleged actress Deepika Padukone was an Egyptian princess in one of her earlier births and carries an evil curse or so said prominent astrologer and human pin cushion Bejunk Daruwalla.
The revelation was made by the astrologer at a thinly attended press meet in Mumbai on Sunday. Bejunk cautioned Padukone’s boyfriends stating that the association will bring them bad luck unless they perform a series of rituals and visit 78,979 temples over the next ten years.

Bejunk Daruwalla it may be recollected is a well known astrologer. He is also the official adviser to the Iranian government for its Monkeys rule space program.

“Her boyfriends will never be able to settle with her and they will always find bad luck coming their way as soon as the first article linking them with her is published. It is not their fault and Deepika Padukone is not to be blamed either. Deepika in one of her previous lives was the first wife of a promiscuous Egyptian king Pepi II who ruled Egypt arou…

India willing to talk to Cyclone Phailin

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India is expected to suffer catastrophic impacts from Severe Tropical Cyclone Phailin, a Category 5 Hurricane, on Saturday and Sunday. Destructive winds well over 160 kph (100 mph) and flooding rain of at least 100-200 mm (4-8 inches) is expected across a wide area. The Indian government meanwhile announced that it is willing to talk to Cylone Phailin to sort out all outstanding issues in an 'amicable manner'.

“We are willing to discuss everything under the sun over several rounds of mindless discussions. Anything that kills or harms Indian citizens is worth talking to. Infact that is the only thing we do. It is either that or cricket diplomacy and we have been told that Cyclone Phailin doesn’t play cricket. So we are ready to negotiate on issues and we do understand that Cyclone Phailin has legitimate grievances and needs to be engaged in a series of timepass meetings and we will do exactly that," said External Affairs minister Salman Khurshid.

Sources in the government…

Google will provide “Jupiter’s escape velocity” to Blackberry

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Quoting Rahul Gandhi’s famous lines, chief Eric Schmidt confirms Google’s interest in acquiring the Waterloo-based smartphone maker.

Google had so far not officially declared its intention to acquire a controlling stake in Blackberry. But all that changed late Tuesday night as a Rahul Gandhi inspired Eric Schmidt confirmed that he is now more than eager to pull Blackberry out of the mess that it is in.

“What Blackberry needs is Jupiter’s escape velocity to move away from the quicksand surrounding it and be back in the black. Earlier we were in two minds about putting our money on Blackberry but after hearing Rahul Gandhi, I am now convinced that we need to do this and if we don’t I don’t think anybody will. This is the need of the hour and we will rise to the challenge and uplift Blackberry with the power of Jupiter’s escape velocity,” Schmidt told Humor Unplugged over a Skype chat.