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Showing posts from October, 2011

Tussauds withdraws Kareena Kapoor’s wax statue in just 24 hours

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The ‘talented’ actress was apparently unhappy with the way her wax statue turned out.

Humor Unplugged has been told by sources in the Madame Tussauds museum that Kareena’s recently unveiled statue has been pulled back for ‘modifications’. Here is the full story.

When the statue was unveiled on Thursday, the actress was all smiles and called the statue a 'unmatched honor for Indian cinema'. But that apparently was the proverbial fake smile before the storm.

Everything was fine till the actress had a cursory glance at the statue's bottom. Within no time she flew off the handle and threw a Ra.one sized tantrum, scaring the wits out of visitors and media folk. Noted producer-director-mumbler Yash Chopra who was at the museum tried to calm the actress by offering her a item number in one of his upcoming movies. But when Kareena heard that she would not be paid for it, she created a even bigger din. Left with no option, the museum management agreed and asked the national award …

Intruding F1 stray dogs were protesting corporate apathy

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India’s grand entry into Formula One was delayed on Friday when stray dogs interrupted the first-ever practice session at Buddh International Circuit.

So why exactly did the stray dogs do a China and intrude into the $400 million track? When Humor Unplugged contacted a spokesperson for the Straydogs Union of India (SuI) he claimed that the intrusion was in protest against the Jaypee Group showing extraordinary levels of discrimination against stray mongrels in the vicinity of the f1 track. The stray dogs were apparently inspired by the Occupy Wall Street movement in the US and wanted to do something similar to draw attention to their plight.

“Let them go and check the Bangalore International Airport where the management treats us better than passengers who pay. Thats the kind of treatment we are looking at. BIAL should be a role model for all such projects in the country. No company should treat us as second class citizens just because no one goes on fast for us. They should remember…

Funny Ra.one ads

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From Indian Railways to Samsung...everyone is singing only one tune..Ra.one. Here are a few ads used by companies seeking to hitch a ride on the Ra.one brandwagon...









The question every.one is asking is whoever came up with these ads???

Man admitted to ICU after watching Damnadamn

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The only person to have seen Himesh Reshammiya's magnum opus and Ra.one challenger Damadamm has been admitted to a super specialty hospital after complaining of severe chest pain and dizziness.

Chavvani Lal, a 30 year old from Pune watched the movie – first day first show after accepting a bet from friends who said he won’t be able to sit through the movie. However, Lal’s enthusiasm turned into horror within 15 minutes after the movie started. Doctors who were on standby outside the empty hall were rushed in as soon as Lal sent a SoS sms to the stunt coordinator.

Pune cops have taken two people into custody and are investigating the episode. “We had clearly issued an advisory to people not to watch this movie unless they had the option of walking away within 5 minutes of seeing Himesh’s face. Unfortunately this was not the case in this instance and we have therefore taken two people into custody for interrogation. We might even call in Himesh for questioning. I dont know which cl…

India and Pakistan almost agree on more airspace violations

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Buoyed by the bonhomie generated by the recent air space violation incident, India and Pakistan are considering a landmark 'intrusion' agreement.

After several Pakistani newspapers termed the recent straying of Indian Army chopper into PoK airspace and the way in which both nations handled the incident as a CBM, India and Pakistan have informally agreed to intrude into each other’s airspace more often. The plan according to defense analysts is to play to the gallery and media who are perennially ready for a free ride.

Humor Unplugged has learnt that the external affairs ministry in New Delhi today received a proposal from Islamabad detailing a plan to consider more air space violations in the near future. Our mole in the S M Krishna’s office confirmed the development and said that the proposal was being considered at the highest levels in the government and is expected to receive a official nod soon.

“We were indeed surprised by our reaction. I thought we will take some stron…

Hobbes has the worst nightmare..

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Stay hungry...stay foolish - the Indian version

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What they preach...

                                                                                                                                                                                 With apologies to Steve.

Pakistan gets world’s first D1 track

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Exclusive state of the art track will help the nation hold high speed donkey races.

Pakistan on Friday became the proud owner of the world’s first donkey racing track. The state of the art track will soon host high speed donkey races involving animals and men drawn from across Pakistan.  In a press release issued late Saturday evening, Pakistan’s interior ministry claimed credit for building the 120 km long track and urged media and bloggers to come and visit the ‘engineering marvel’.

According to our sources, the track will be inaugurated by the country’s president Asif Ali Zardari on October 26 at a terrorist studded event involving current and former terror heavy weights such as Mullah Omar, Jamaat-ud Dawa (JuD) chief Hafiz Muhammad Saeed and others who don’t officially exist on Pakistani soil.

“This track bears testimony to our consistent efforts to integrate the people of Khyber Pakhtunkhwa with rest of Pakistan. We have invested plenty of resources, time and goodwill in buildi…

Parliament worried over decreasing duets in Bollywood

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Looks like our lawmakers have found something new to worry about.

Cutting across party lines, MPs on Friday expressed concern over decreasing number of duets in Bollywood movies.  In a motion moved in the Lok Sabha yesterday, MP Chavvani Lal asked the government to take strong steps to arrest and reverse this decline at the earliest.

“When the NDA government was in power, we used to have one mandatory duet in every movie. We had over 456 registered duets in various movies in 2002. Today we just have two. The UPA government has failed once again.  It has not taken the issue with any seriousness. But we are open to a no-holds barred debate. Our concern is that the nation's pride and honour, has been sullied," senior BJP leader L K Advani said.

MP and Bollywood expert Lalloo Prasad Yadav rued the absence of sustainable chemistry among lead actors in today movies. “Today actors look as if they have been threatened into acting. There is absolutely no chemistry and everyone is si…

Renowned economist endorses ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement

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Humor Unplugged’s guest columnist and noted economist Arminel Birchwell Sanders’ take on the Occupy Wall Street movement.

We are at crossroads in this country's history. Following one of the greatest rip-offs of American citizens by those in the higher echelons of power, both the Republican Party and the Democratic Party have demonstrated that they are morally compromised. We desperately need principled and uncompromised leadership in this country.

These protests do highlight the most powerful, dangerous and secretive economic and political force in America. If this country is to break out of this horrendous and vicious cycle of recession and create the millions of jobs we desperately need, if we have to create a modicum of financial stability for the near and long term future, there is no question but that the American people are going to have to take a very hard look at Wall Street and demand fundamental reforms.  I hope these protests are the beginning of that process.

I have …

Stray dogs - part of the security apparatus at Bangalore Airport

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The management of Bangalore International Airport (BIAL) has spared no expense to ensure your safety.

Bangalore’s very own international airport has achieved the distinction of being the first airport in the country  to implement a multi-tier security regime. BIAL has added an extra layer of security in the form of 300 stray dogs who are standing guard and watching over visitor and VIP movement in its premises. This unique arrangement has been made possible thanks to a unique Public-Private-Stray engagement model evolved by the BIAL management.

While most airports in the country and around the world may have one or at the max two levels of security, BIAL boasts of a three-tier arrangement consisting of CISF, private security guards and stray dogs at the periphery. When contacted, a proud and beaming BIAL spokesperson Chavvani Lal said “this is indeed a remarkable achievement for our airport. The external security cordon that we have enforced is completely dependent on stray dogs. And…

Zardari rebrands himself post occupy Wall Street protests

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Pakistan’s embattled president Asif Ali Zardari has launched a new campaign to gain acceptance and credibility among the masses.

Humor Unplugged has learnt that Zardari has hired an agency to rebrand himself in the eyes of ordinary Pakistanis. The agency has been tasked with recasting the Pakistani president as a ‘leader who cares’ using the Occupy Wall Street movement as a template.

“Yes it is true. His Excellency 10 percent has indeed approached us to give him an image makeover. In fact the first creative of the piece is  ready and I can share it with you. Our brief was simple make him look as human as possible and leverage the occupy Wall Street protests happening in US and I am happy to state that we have achieved that goal,” our anonymous source in the agency said.

Further details are awaited.

Calvin develops chest pain

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Pramod Mutalik laments declining quality of goons in the country

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Voicing his displeasure over the quality of goons that join premier organizations like Sri Ram Sena, senior goon Pramod Mutalik has said there is a need to overhaul the selection criteria for goons seeking admission to prestigious anti-social institutions in the country.

Addressing a gathering of hundreds of former goons at a Beloved Hoodlums Association of India (BHAI) summit in Mumbai, Mutalik said the quality of goons has deteriorated over the years due to the emergence of a large number of anti-social organizations in the country which were admitting goons of lower professional calibre.

"Thanks to the proliferation of large number of anti-social organizations, the quality of goons participating in various activities has gone lower and lower. Today, we have as many goons as we have news anchors on TV and the quality also is more or less the same," Mutalik said staring at the ceiling, receiving a thundering applause from his audience. Some of the audience members were so …

Ajmal ‘brainwashed’ Kasab is Tourism ministry’s new brand ambassador

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India’s tourism ministry has decided to appoint terrorist Ajmal Kasab as a brand ambassador for its new ‘Welcome to India’ campaign.

According to information published on its microsite, India’s tourism ministry will be using the services of LeT terrorist Ajmal Kasab for a new campaign. The leading international terrorist and pride of Pakistan will star in a series of online ads and roadshows aimed at positioning India as a favorable destination for all types of tourists. The campaign themed 'Welcome to India' has been conceptualized by a top advertising agency and will be launched in November to target the end of year visitors.

“Kasab is the ideal brand ambassador for us. Inspite of being a ISI certified LeT terrorist we are treating him much better than our politicians. So imagine how we will be treating our tourists? That is the message we intend to convey. In fact even if you want to visit this country for terror purposes, you are more than welcome and we will soon be laun…

New breed of mujahedeen causing concern in Bangalore

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India’s IT capital, Bangalore has something new to worry about.

According to confidential note prepared by the Intelligence Bureau, a new breed of terror infrastructure is emerging in Bangalore. The note, left casually by an IB sleuth at a pan shop in the national capital was accessed by Humor Unplugged on Sunday and our sources in IB confirmed its existence and content.

The note says that terrorists in Bangalore are using the city’s large potholes as operational bases to hide, train and motivate cadres. “Evidence on the misuse of potholes is mounting and there have been many instances of potholes on prominent roads turning into terror training grounds by night. The state government has been warned through a vague communication letter and we have washed our hands off any liability that might occur due to mujahedeen operating out of potholes,” the note said.

Sustained investigations by Humor Unplugged revealed the extent of the threat. In some instances, 13 feet wide holes were serving…

Calvin on Congress, Rahul and Sonia

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Bangalore manhole fountain sets record; CM impressed

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Heavy rains on Friday evening caused a manhole to explode, with water pushing a parked car several feet into the air setting a new world record.

Bangalore’s crumbling infrastructure added another glorious chapter to its enviable history when it became the first city in the world to have a car thrown 5 feet in the air by an exploding manhole. The previous record was a puny two feet held by some obscure town in Nauru. A thrilled CM thanked the city’s civic bodies for their exceptional work and asked them to continue serving citizens with unmatched zeal.

As soon as the fountain started throwing the car upwards, a group of civic body babus gathered at the site and started cheering. The CM joined after a while by which time the car was in taters. The footage was shared with a team from the Guinness Book of Records, who confirmed the record and sent a mail documenting the achievement.

“The CM was impressed by the way the car was throw into the air like a tooth pick. He has asked us to inve…

Taliban launch $1 Halal tablet

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The tablet war just got intense with Taliban jumping into the fray with a $1 'Halal' tablet.

Just a day after India launched a $35 android tablet, Taliban in Pakistan has announced the launch of its own cost effective shariah compliant tablet. Taliban claims the ‘Liyaaqat’ will change the way the terror group operates and will make their cadres more tech savvy. If sources are to be believed, even the Pakistani army, (which has funded the Taliban R&D team which developed the tablet) has shown a keen interest in acquiring this device for its troops.

Features
7 inch 2-color slide resistant granite-based displayFront and rear display units (Primary plus1)Pencil backup for over 300 hours standard, 72 hours paintingBreak and corrosion resistant granite bodyShariah compliantMullah-friendly design Light weight3 inch eraser upgradable to 5 inchesChalk support – 12-colorStylus styled pencil free  Speaking at the launch of Liyaaqat, Taliban’s communication in-charge Mullah Somar said …

Shadow fun with Calvin and Hobbes

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Be afraid...be very very afraid...

$35 tablet earns Apple and MS ire, tech giants eye injunction

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The launch of $35 tablet nicknamed Aakash could run into rough weather with Apple and Microsoft claiming that the device infringed on patents owned by them. Late Tuesday evening the legal team of Apple and Microsoft started working in tandem to seek injunction on display and sale of the tablet.

Union HRD minister Kapil Sibal who is driving the project asked Apple and Microsoft to ‘stand down’ and stop ‘nagging’. “What do they think this is sue-go-round? If they go ahead and file cases, I will make sure that both these companies pack their bags from India and will not be able to sell even a memory stick in this part of the world again. This is not US or EU our writ runs here and if you have a problem with it you better stand down or go on an indefinite fast,” an angry Sibal said.

Apple’s legal representatives were unsure about the specific patents violated by Aakash. “We were just told to sue everything that runs on Android. Just the other day we filed a case against some guy who want…

Congress decides to deploy Digvijay near BJP HQ

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Taking a cue from the Indian Air Force which is deploying its top line combat jet Sukhoi 30 close to the Indo-Pak border, Congress has decided to place its top line combat bull$hitter Digvijay Singh closer to the BJP headquarters.

A confidential internal note leaked by our mole in the Congress states that an order to this effect has been passed by AICC and Digvijay Singh has been asked to look out for a 1 BHK place near 11 Ashoka Road. The reason, according to our mole is that the party wants to reduce time to respond to any allegations raised by the country’s main opposition party – BJP. Digvijay has been asked to finish the transition and report to HQ by end of next week.

Analysts contacted by Humor Unplugged were not amazed by the development. “This was expected. You see Diggi is best weapon they have in their arsenal to confuse opposition and people. Offlate they had pulled him back for fine tuning and now he is ready to fire again and Congress will make full use of his upgraded …

Nature test fires new cloud to ground lightening

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Late yesterday evening in Forsyth, Missouri, USA, nature test fired its new and deadly cloud to ground lightening.

In a sign of its ever decreasing tolerance of politicians and other sinners, nature late Sunday evening test fired its new lightening designed to strike terror and remorse in the hearts of delinquents.  According to our “natural sources” the test was successful and met all designated parameters. The lightening will be tested once again in another part of the world before it joins nature’s arsenal and used extensively to warn and terrorise those who have strayed from the path of humanity.

“At 022:00 hours on Sunday evening, we test fired the new cloud to ground lightening successfully. The test had validated all parameters and the lightening after another round of field trials will be available for deployment in various theaters,” was all that officially came from nature. The US' National Weather Service scientists who witnessed the event were quite impressed by the f…

Calvin on Planning Commission's Rs 32 threshold

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Calvin is disappointed with his dad.