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Is Deepika Padukone cursed??

All her boyfriends are doomed says astrologer

Coal scam probe to cover allocations made since 3000 BC

CBI is serious about naming criminals looting the nation since Indus Valley Civilisation

Arnab Goswami tries to do a Manmohan Singh, gets mauled

Implementing reforms is a tough job for anyone

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Pakistan to celebrate military losses

Ten years ago, cowards from the Pakistan army were thrashed, packaged and dumped back into Pakistan occupied Kashmir by the Indian defense forces across Kargil, Batalk and Drass. The rag tag bunch of hoodlums that calls itself Pakistan army was so humiliated by the loss that it didn’t even claim the bodies of its own soldiers. A decade later, the very same guys have finally decided to leave the past behind and celebrate the loss.

“We have had enough. The Indian Army has squished and trampled us so often that we are now reconciled to the fact that we will only be defeated every time we try and cross the border. We have therefore decided to celebrate the loss so the morally vanquished Pakistan army will have something to cheer about. We have always maintained that the India have never defeated us so we will celebrate such days with pomp and grandeur, a spokesperson of the Pakistan army said.

So far, Pakistan wartime losses have been spoken in hushed tones across that country. In fact in the case of Kargil, inspite of launching a full-fledged military operation across the LoC, Pakistan army has never acknowledged the presence of its army regulars, let alone its shameful defeat. “In case of Kargil we were so cowardly that we didn’t even talk about the war till now. We were really ashamed to speak about the loss and we were growing more cowardly with each passing year and we wanted to finally move on. So in a way you can that we are finally coming out,” the Pakistan army spokesperson said.

Pakistan army, sources claim will be launching counter celebrations on days which the Indian Army will celebrate. Pak army will also be honoring cowardly regiments which have demonstrated exceptional cowardice in combat operations. This will include officers who have refused to fight from the front and were running operations from the comfort of their homes while their men were being killed like flies at the front and those regiments who have left their soldiers to rot across the LoC.


Recession is affecting performance

The affects of the ongoing recession are more widespread than initially considered. A recent study by a globally renowned socio-performist Dr. Hammerschmidst has revealed that the global economic slump has finally managed to enter peoples bedrooms and is poised to create more damage to demographics than governments around the world are prepared for.

Addressing a crowded press conference in Lakshadweep, Dr Hammerschmidst said “people are losing interest in procreation at rates that have not been documented since the last ice age. Nowadays, people are more concerned about retaining their jobs and giving their maximum at work than ever before and needless to say, this is reflecting on their bedroom behavior and the amount to time they are spending on the most important work that ensures the survival and continuity of human race on this planet”.

Painting an alarming picture of the future, the doctor claimed that the impact of this recession will be felt from the year 2050 onwards as the population of humans will start declining. His sentiment was however not shared by many. India’s health and family welfare minister Ghulam Azad was ecstatic when he heard the news. “If what this guy is saying is right, then we needn’t focus on providing better content on TV to keep people from breeding. Besides, we are considering a series of measures to prevent people from having more than 2 kids so such news will only encourage us,” he said.

Then there are others who agree with the doctor. A techie who didn’t want to be named says “well I hardly see my wife as I am at work 24*7. The other day my kid called me --the uncle who visits us—and I was shattered. My kid hasn’t seen for nearly a year. In such a situation, how can you expect me to do anything? Companies are making people slog like hogs,” he said.


Saturday, July 25, 2009

Government to honor irritating politicians

The Indian government has come out with a unique scheme to discourage politicians who disrupt proceedings and raise frivolous issues in parliament. An announcement on this was made by the nation’s unparliamentary affairs minister Chavvani Lal on Friday evening.

“Such politician(s), who force an adjournment, will be provided a set of premium diapers from Huggies. The diaper set will be handed over in a ceremony organized in the constituency of the MP along with a certificate highlighting his or her deeds. The idea is to make these guys feel childish and discourage them from indulging in unparliamentary behavior,” Lal said.

The government it seems has finally made up its mind to take on the politicians who waste the time of the government and the ‘honorable’ members of parliament. In addition the government will also be penalizing politicians who raise frivolous issues in parliament. “We will start with that clown who raised the issue of a TV show where people are made to confess their deepest secrets. We are now negotiating with the TV channel to get this guy on the show. We want him to answer those questions, while being monitored by the lie detector and I am quite sure his revelations will provide enough thrust to the show’s TRPs. If such MPs don’t stop at this, we have other ideas also,” Lal said.

There has been a mixed response to the whole issue from politicians. Some have welcomed it while others have called the whole move a farce to move the attention of people away from “genuine issues such as the sell off at Sharam-el-Sharif”.


Friday, July 17, 2009

India wants Zardari on Sach ka samna

India has asked Pakistan to send its ISI chief to attend a session at Star Plus’ latest reality show “Sach ka Samna”. This demand was made through official channels by the Indian Ministry of External Affairs a few days back.

Sach ka Samna is an adaptation of an internationally acclaimed show called "Moment of the Truth". Show participants who dare are asked few difficult questions on their life and their responses are studied through a lie detector. If the participant is lying, the host will immediately know and the contestant is disqualified.

“By putting the ISI chief through the lie detector, the world will know what we have always known. In fact that other guy called Rehman Malk can be used to test the warranty and after sales service on these lie detectors,” a senior external affairs ministry dude told this blogger.It will be a realtime stress test for the lie detectors to test these clowns.If not anything, we will get a few cheap thrills from the whole thing. The Pakistanis are not going to be ashamed or embarrassed by all this as they are used to such humiliation. In fact I must say that for every lie that is detected, the ISI honcho must be awarded a date with Mayawathi or Mamta,” he added.

It may be remembered that when the ISI chief had last attended a session with the lie detector, the machine had started beeping like an ambulance siren and the equipment had to be shut down due to a surge as all readings had gone off charts. The ISI chief had then answered just a few basic questions on cross border terrorism and they had not even asked questions on Taliban and 26-11. Pakistani troops had then barged in and stopped the shoot of the show done by a local TV channel.


Zardari bags Mayawathi

Pakistan’s lame duck president Asif Ali Zardari has won the first ever Mayawathi award for governance. This was announced by the Indian government in a post published on the official blog of the Union Ministry of External affairs on Thursday.

“With his exceptionally low governance skills, narcissistic tendencies and lack of concern for public welfare have all resulted in Mr. Zardari bagging the award that symbolizes everything that’s wrong with politicians,” the post said. Mayawathi award, named after the current UP CM is offered to top politicians who have been found wanting in the areas cited in the post.

“The next thing you will see is statues of Zardari at various places in Pakistan. I am sure this guy will transform into another Mayawathi soon, if he isn’t one already. Just look at the way he is ruining his country,” a senior external affairs ministry spokesperson told this blogger over a casual conversation over Skype.
The UP CM will hand over the award to Zardari sometime in August. Zardari has meanwhile expressed his happiness over being selected for the award. The award carries a check for Rs. 10, a plaque and a bronze replica of something that you should see in the pic posted with this piece.

In pic: A model with the bronze replica..



Sunday, July 12, 2009

Pakistan to handover T-shirts signed by top terrorists

In a self proclaimed “goodwill gesture” Pakistan has send a T-shirt to India containing signatures of top terrorists based in that country. The Tee has been signed by every one from Osama Bin Laden to Mullah Omar, Al Egypti, Sayeed and other most wanted terrorists being sought by US and India.

“None of these terrorists are based in Pakistan and we just happened to meet some of them at various places on the Pak-Afghan border. We made them sign these Tees and told them that the casual wear will make its way through South Block and Oval office. Many have accused Pakistan of not doing enough on the war on terror and this is our way of showing that we do,” Pakistan’s loud mouth foreign minister Qureshi told this blogger over a cup of tea two days back.

The Tee will be handed over to the Indian PM by Qureshi in September this year. Pakistan has said that it hopes to improve the strained relations between the two nations and this gesture will help clear the air of suspicion over her intentions. “It was really difficult to get these signatures and India must appreciate our effort. This will show once and for all that we are really serious about the whole thing,” Qureshi added. Pakistan will be giving another one of these Tees to Obama and UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon.


Protecting Varun Gandhi? Someone gotta be kidding..

Apparently there’s a bounty out there on Mr Varun Gandhi and his narcissistic mom is running around trying to convince everyone that the threat is quite real. If this news is indeed true, there is a reason to cheer.

Who wants this guy to live? Shouldn’t he and his mom have thought about this imaginary threat when the prodigal son was shooting his vitriolic mouth off in that venom filled speech? Menaka Gandhi is worried about her son cause if anything happens to Varun, who will make those cheap speeches condemning his own fellow countrymen for the sake of power? She should be one proud mother to have raised a Pakistani (read divisive) son like varun.

What the hell will Varun achieve by staying alive? Bring in more communal tension and mutual hatred? Politicians like him are bunch of stone age cronies who want the nation to slip into the dark ages and live in a constant state of fear and anarchy. Shame on the duo..how can the BJP admit such unwanted people into the party? Throw out these clowns and bring in people who can bring in employment for the masses and development for the nation. Bring in leaders who can take the entire nation forward as one with realistic dreams and ideas.

I don’t want my tax money to be used to protect such a loudmouth. Let him and his proud mother suffer the consequences of his words and deeds.
Jai Hind


Celeb books

Celebs and politicians are at it again. Writing books to while away their time and indulge in a bit of narcissistic spectatorial pleasure. Here are a few more books penned by such guys that will be on the shelves soon…

* Stupor man - Deve Gowda
* Hard to say “good bai” - Shiny Ahuja
*‘Bust’ed - Mayawathi
* All in a de’s work - Shobhaaa De
* The man who rode the thunder - Carla
* Those stupid EVMs did me in - Lallo
* Heel the world – by the anonymous shoe thrower
* How to use a can opener – Asif Ali Zardari
* Anemia - L K Advani
* Frog legged fraud – Scamlinga Raju


Happy World Population Day

Indian government has greeted its citizens on World Population day. This blogger suggests ways to get the numbers to fall..

* Increase broadband internet access and reduce access charges
* Make sex education mandatory for adults
* All singles to get tax breaks
* Increase happy hours at bars;
* Tax relief for couples involved in long distance relationships
* Guys fathering more than two kids to go on a dinner date with Mamta\mayawathi\jayalalitha and pay a special ‘kid tax’ which will be 1 per cent during the first year of the birth of the third kid and increase with the increase in the age of the kid
* Make Varun Gandhi India’s health minister
* Husbands having more than three kids to be referred to as ‘strays’ henceforth
* Guys having more than two kids will not be rescued in a hostage situation and will not be eligible for any government job and cannot hold any public posts
* Couples with more than two kids should be sent to Australia for higher education
* Couples with more than two kids will be made to watch all of MTVs reality contests for 72 hours
* Couples with more than two kids can be chosen for India manned moon mission (one way)

If nothing else works, Indian government needn’t worry. The next batch of terrorists must be training in various parts of Pakistan right now and will soon cross over. They seem to be more worried about our population than us.

Happy World Population Day


Sunday, July 5, 2009

Kargil: The forgotten heroes of a forgotten war

Captain Vikram Batra, Major Saravanan, Sqn. Ldr Ajay Ahuja, Captain Kieshing Nongrum, Lt. Saurabh Kalia, Lt. Col. Vishwanathan, Sepoy Lal Singh, Sepoy Rakesh Kumar, Sepoy Rakesh Kumar, Sepoy Raswinder Singh, Sepoy Bir Singh to name a few…

Do these names ring a bell? These were the brave hearts who fended off evil Pakistani army goons who had infiltrated our side of LoC in the guise of mujahideen. Ten years after India fought the most televised battle in the history of warfare in the subcontinent, Indians seemed to have moved on. Sans a passing remark, there was absolutely no mention of the heroics of our brave men who fought against impossible odds to keep the Indian flag from fluttering atop the peaks of Kargil, Batalik, Drass and Siachen in the Indian media. July 5 marked the 10th anniversary of the recapture of Tiger Hills. Ten years ago we all had celebrated the capture of this peak since it nailed home the truth that Indian Army had won the war against Pakistan.

It is such a shame that many among us remember September 11 every year and feel sad for the folks who lost their lives there. Nothing wrong with this except that don’t our heroes deserve better? Did those youngsters who had brilliant lives to look forward to die in vain? Isn’t it an insult to their memory that the average Indian does not even remember as to what happened at Tiger hill?

Sans CNN IBN, no other channel worth its salt has given any airtime to the memory of these martyrs. There were no tributes to them on various blogging sites also.

This blogger salutes the memory of these and other warriors who have fought and are fighting the evil barbarians lurking on our borders.

This post is in memory of those who laid down their lives for our country in Kargil…hope the nation wakes up from its slumber and gives these heroes their due.

Today, lets pause for a moment and remember them...

Jai Hind.


Future is all bright for Shiny...

Is this the end of road for Shiny Ahuja? Has his glistening career come to an end? Well this blogger doesn’t think so. Going by the record of his predecessors, things can only get better for Shiny. Here are a few things he can do, in the future..

• Win the next edition of Big Boss
• Write a book titled “I may have done it…but I still didn’t do it”
• Share his experience at the India Today Leadership conclave
• Start a anti-pakistan\anti mayawathi blog
• Give writing tips to Shobbhhaa De
• Ask Times of India to give him a numerologically correct name and use it in all their articles
• Join Pak government\army as a spokesperson
• Become a vastu expert
• Join MTV as their “reality show” content head
• Shoot black bucks in Rajasthan to stay in the news
• Hang around Priety Zinta during IPL III
• Settle down in his favorite destination Du-Bai
• Write a auto-bai-o-graphy
• Become a Bai-ologist
• Team up with N-Sync to record a new song “bai-bai-bai”

So there you go. Shiny, hang in there and be happy that your career is poised for a big time takeoff now...


Life in Pakistan..

Images beamed directly by our correspondent from the terror capital of the world - Pakistan.






Saturday, July 4, 2009

Mayawathi’s swayamvar: Government warns NDTV

Government of India has issued a stern warning to media group NDTV, asking it to desist from starting the shoot for a new series on the lines of Rakhi Sawant’s swayambar for UP CM Mayawathi. NDTV was apparently planning to launch a Mayawathi’s swyambar to continue the Swayambar series for its new horror channel NDTV Dread.

“Such a plan is not in good taste and may appear offensive for some sections of the audience. We are indeed worried and have conveyed a warning to the channel,” union misinformation minister Chavvani Lal said. However, NDTV chief begs to differ on the issue. “The very fact that we have placed it in on our terror channel which will be airing the series in the late night slot shows that we have taken all necessary precautions. Further, the idea is to get the lady married and make her settle down so that she turns into a problem for one guy rather than the whole nation,” Pranoy Roy said.

NDTV Dread, the group’s horror channel also has plans to hold similar swayamvars for Jayalalitha, Mamta Banerjee and Nafisa Ali. “This is part of our corporate social responsibility initiative and the government should have welcomed it. At the end of the day, the society will benefit as these ladies won’t be able to create problems for the nation,” Roy said.” I have no idea why they are opposing it when we have the larger interests of the society in mind. We are not and I repeat not doing this for TRPs,” he added.

Roy has been asked to appear before a special committee comprising members from the Indian television industry to explain his channel’s stand. Mayawathi has meanwhile called Roy “a messiah of the dalits” and asked the UP Chief Secretary to spend another 500 crores to build statues of Roy alongside her. She has also invited Roy to participate in the swayamwar as a contestant. Roy has been untraceable ever since this news got out.


Indian government launches war on Monday

Government of India has decided to take proactive measures to limit and neutralize the affect of Mondays on its productive workforce. This blogger has learnt, through his sources that the government is likely to table a comprehensive bill on the floor of the house soon to ensure that employees are not unduly affected by Mondays.

The bill titled Monday (Protection and Management) Bill and Rules 2009 has been framed after a study by a committee into Monday morning blues. The committee headed by renowned Mondayologist Dr. Hammerschmidst came up with recommendations for the Indian government to improve the efficiency of the Indian workforce in the private sector and not the babus infesting government (for whom every day is like the last hour on Friday for their private sector counterparts).

“We have found that maximum heart and panic attacks happen on Mondays. The stress levels go out of the charts and people are simply too fatigued on Mondays. This is bad news since it affects the health of employees and can have significant short and long term impacts,” Hammerschmidst told this blogger using a telegram sent from a remote corner of UP where he is doing research on the impact of the recently installed dummies of Mayawathi on pigeon behavior in the area.

Highlights of the Monday bill include:
• Monday will be a compulsory half day
• Employees will be exempt from checking mails on Mondays
• No ‘nasty’ or ‘FYA’ mails to be sent on Friday evenings and Mondays
• Bosses should not go anywhere near their teams or send mails on Mondays i.e, they should remain incommunicado
• Compulsory breaks every 15 min

The bill is expected to sail smoothly in parliament.


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