Showing posts from May, 2009

Air France offers new ‘racist’ package for travelers

Air France, the world’s No. 1 racist airline, has come out with a new package for travelers from developing countries. The package christened ‘Race de France’ offers low fares coupled with Air France’s well known racist attitude and ‘cheap’ service.

In a meet the press organized after a second instance of racism by Air France was reported, the airline’s official spokesperson said “this package will demonstrate that we take allegations of racism seriously. We have already proven that we are the world most racist airline and would go to any extent to promote our racist credentials”.

This blogger has learnt through his sources that passengers from developing countries opting for Air France’s racist package will be treated like cattle. They will be offered just one sandwich and a bottle of water for the entire duration of their flight and they will also be addressed using racial slurs and the airline staff will also periodically try and insult and insinuate the passengers. This package will…

Australia ropes in Raj Thackery

Confident of supporting and fostering all forms of racism, Australia has gone ahead and appointed Raj Thackery as its 'racism consultant' to augment its racist credentials. Raj Thackrey, it may be remembered is a famous racist from the India’s financial capital Mumbai and was responsible for the death of many Indians who had come to the city seeking work.

Steven Smith, Australia’s foreign minister is all gung ho about his government’s new initiative. “This is our way of saying that we are serious about being a completely racist country. Our people have demonstrated that we can go to any lengths to attack and maim people who belong to other race, culture or religion. Mr Thackery with his established racist credentials will help us improve our racist leanings and reinforce our reputation as the world’s most racist nation,” he said.

Thackery, who will be flying to Canberra by an Air France flight, spoke to this blogger over Skype yesterday. “I am pleased that I have been recogniz…

China’s dirty game in Asia – North Korea is Japan’s Pakistan

Wondering why a nation that can hardly afford to feed its people is shooting scud variants into the sky and testing nuke devices? Wondering why a nation that is under seize from internal enemies perceives its giant neighbor as a bigger threat?

One can’t help but look at the way in which china is playing a dangerous game in Asia. The world’s largest dictatorship is encouraging rogue states Pakistan and North Korea to take on two of its most likely rivals in the region – India and Japan. China strategy is to keep India and Japan engaged in sub regional firefighting while it aims for strategic parity with US.

Let’s look at some of the similarities between Pakistan and North Korea

• Both have borrowed missile technology (and missiles) from China
• Both are indulging in clandestine proliferation of weapons of mass destruction
• Both countries routinely up the ante against their peaceful neighbors
• Both issue periodic threats to neighbors (Afghanistan and India in case of Pakistan and Sout…

ISI to target Indian pets

ISI’s terror wing the Lashkar-e-Toieba is raising a special wing to target pets belonging to Indian leaders. The shocking truth was revealed by a militant who was arrested near the LoC in Kashmir in the wee hours of Saturday. A cache of dog and cat food and pictures of pets of senior leaders was recovered from him.

According to intelligence sources who chat with this blogger as regularly as Mayawathi updating her facebook account, Lashkar has decided to aggressively target pets belonging to Indian leaders. Lashkar’s strategy wing that occupies a floor in ISI’s office in Islamabad has apparently allocated funds and resources to raise a special cell that will infiltrate India over the next few years to systematically eliminate pet leadership in the country. Pakistan government has also agreed to release some of the funds received from US for this purpose, a really sour source said.

The news has meanwhile caused plenty of panic in Indian political circles. The cause for consternation is…

North Korea and Pak ink pact; Taliban to establish international base in Pyongyang

After sending nearly 5 missiles into the sky and testing nuke weapons, renegade commie state North Korea has decided to enter into a huddle with its sub continental counterpart Pakistan. The two rogue states have recently inked a pact that provides for greater regional and international cooperation and mutual rear saving at all times.

“This is a historic pact. North Korea and Pakistan have had a long history of indulging in proliferation of weapons of mass destruction. We have both helped each other attain the status of global irritants and now plan to work together to live up to the expectations of the international community, said North Korean minister for proliferation and clandestine trade in WMD, Yukk Thoo Ill.

It may be remembered that most of Pakistan’s missiles are repainted versions of North Korean and Chinese missiles. North Korea had sold many of its Nodong missiles to Pakistan, which were subsequently repainted at the prestigious Karachi-based Pakistan Institute of Plagia…

Excl: Pak president letter warns of more attacks against India

With great risk to his life, one of our blogger friends has managed to source a draft of the letter written by Zardari to Dr. Manmohan warning of major attacks against India..heres the exclusive letter.

Obama deserves a shoe

President Barack Obama has been awarded the highest Shoe-villain honor by the International Association of Shoe and Projectile Throwers (INSPIRE) the week ending May 23. Obama administration’s act of giving Pakistan more money without adding any strings or imposing any conditions for usage has qualified him for the prestigious award thrown by the international NGO.

“Obama has displayed maturity beyond the call of duty. By sponsoring a terrorist nation and allowing it to splurge money on exporting terrorism and jehadis, Obama has helped the world become more insecure. He has also created more problems for the world’s largest democracy which will soon witness more terrorist attacks funded by this money,” Spokesperson for INSPIRE said in a press conference on Friday.

Meanwhile Jehadis in Pakistan are celebrating the arrival of much needed funds for their coffers. A group of jehadis from Jaish-e-Mohammed and Lashkar-e-Toeiba met the Pakistani PM yesterday and discussed ways to utilize this …

IT captains to steer Indian government

In a move set with widespread ramifications for governance in India, this blogger has heard that the new government is mulling a proposal to rope in Indian IT captains to run the government.

“We have seen how the IT industry is squeezing every ounce of work from its workforce. We feel that a similar model can be implemented at the national level to make ministers work and deliver results,” a source close to the PM told this blogger. PM Manmohan Singh appears to have made up his mind to make all the ministers report to a taskmaster honcho from the IT industry on a dotted line basis.

“Every minister will then be provided a set of ambitious KRAs and given deadlines to deliver tangible results. He or she will also have to put in a minimum of 12 hours a day (excluding travel and lunch) and close out a minimum of 50 items by end of day, everyday. Progress will be strictly monitored and all good deeds will be swept under the carpet while the mistakes will be highlighted in a 20 degree apprai…

Some new ministries and heads

Several new ministries were supposed to be created by the new government. But some of them were scrapped later due to various reasons. This is a list of a few such ministries with their anointed ministers.

• Minister for Sleep Deprivation and Opportunism (Independent charge) - Deve Gowda
• Minister for statues, pigeon droppings, malls and monumental disasters – Mayawathi
• Minister for family welfare – Karunanidi
• Minister for insecurity and fashion – Shivaraj Patil
• Minister for Page 3, calendars and booze resources – Vijay Mallya (to be inducted from the Rajya Sabha)
• Minister for horse trading – shadow charge
• Minister for fasting and drama – Mamta Banerjee
• Minister for Prime Ministerial ambitions – Sharad Pawar
• Minister for noodle straps and other intellectual stimulants – Mandira Bedi
• Minister for T-20 and ODIs – Ajay Jadeja
• Minister for test matches – Navjoke Piddu
• Minister for superfluous arguments – Arnab Ghostsamee
• Minister for curbing blogging and other forms of…

Series based on elections 2009 on the anvil

It had all the drama, emotion and thrill of a B grade bollywood potboiler and some people feel that these elements could be commercially exploited. A new company floated by Yen Are Eye Chavani Lal has approached the national election commission to buy exclusive footage from the 2009 elections and sell it online and to multiplexes.

“The footage that we have seen on news channels captures only 10 percent of reality. The truth is that there’s still almost 2000 hrs of interesting footage captured by election commission officials out there that has tremendous potential,” Chavani Lal said in an recent interview. “We are planning to air the footage as a series called on the road with Toadies,” he added.

Sources say that the footage Chavani Lal is talking about includes the now infamous Varun video, Lallo’s colorful tirades against Nitish, Modi’s doll-moll speeches, Mamta spewing venom on hapless commies, Amar Singh’s diatribe against everyone, Sanjay’s pupp-jhappi speech and Mayawathi’s thre…

Elections 09 in a nutshell

* Photo op of the season- Advani at a gym preparing for the strong vs weak PM debate
* Opportunist of the season - Karunanidhi; asking for a cabinet berth for his entire family
* Screamer of the season - Mamta Banherjee, alleging that the commies had everything in Nano proportions (this line attracted a censure from the moral brigade)
* Missing in action – Jaya Bachchan; did anyone file a missing person complaint?
* Astrologer of the season – Obama for initiating discussions with Advani and TDP babu before the polls. Both are waiting for an encore.
* Heavy weights of the season – Mayawathi and Jayalalitha, who could not convert their physical weight into votes
* Pyjamma award for fair play – Azam Khan for circulating interesting photos of Jaya Pradha
* Mission Impossible award – Maywathi for her PM ambitions
* Deve Gowda award for the most interesting and relevant debate – Kapil Sibal and Arun Jaitley. Topic who is a stronger PM
* Mayawathi award for daydreaming – Sharad Pawar for his P…

Lallo is jubilant

And a new sitcom staring losers...surprising that these guys have found jobs so soon in these difficult times...

China may fire Karat over 2009

After its disastrous performance in polls, the Commie party of India has been pulled into the dock by its managers in China. The biggest dictatorship in the world has asked Prakash Karat, head commie and jurrasic ideology manager for CPI to report to Beijing for further discussion.

“China is extremely disappointed by these results. We had hoped that there would be instability with the left parties playing a key role in the next government. Since that is no longer the case, we have to revisit certain agreements we have with our communist agents in India,” said Yukk Thoo Chin, head of China’s Jealousy Cell, formed to ensure the continuation of China’s hegemony in Asia. This cell pokes its evil nose into the internal affairs of Asian countries and tries to ensure instability in China’s backyard. The cell was recently in the news for its role in an attempt to kill democracy in the Himalayan country.

Our sources have told us that Prakash Karat reports to a country manager in this cell. It m…

What will the psephologists do now?

Now that the elections are behind us, what will the highly accurate and insightful psephologists do now?

* Get back to their regular jobs as astrologers
* Pray for the golden days of instability and frequent polls to come back
* Review movies for Times of India
* Take up weather forecasting
* Blame recession for their plight
* Apply for the post of Kolkata Knight Rider’s coach
* Ask for reservation in government jobs
* Join Obama administration as “AFPAK experts”
* Form a fifth front and prepare for next polls
* Join the twitter vs facebook debate
* Start blogging anonymously as the fake cabinet minister
* File PILs against celebrities to gain publicity and stay in the news
* Join the Ramsay brothers team as doubles for ghosts

China has stopped paying maoists:prachanda

Prachanda is the Maoist clown who is pushing his country towards anarchy. A leader with no vision he has emerged as a joker in the pack and Nepal needs him as much as it needs swine flu. Our correspondent Rajcreep caught up with the man in his lair and asked a few questions.

RS: What did you get out of all this? If the Nepal Army chief didn’t want to induct clowns into his force, why did you force him? These maoist cadres could have converted the professional army into its counterpart in Pakistan.

PA: You see I had promised these people employment. I couldn’t have asked them to join the government and they need to be employed you see. I count have let them loose on the streets.

RS: Forget all that. You are just a Chinese stooge, a puppet placed by the evil Beijing regime that wants to spread its hegemony across Asia.

PA: Thanks, that was really flattering. Indeed, the Chinese are paying me and they have also taken care of our cadres during the conflict. Now that the war is over, they have…

Reccesion blues: India decides to fire its Vice President

In a move designed to “rationalize expenditure”, India has started downsizing the government and removing the “expendable workforce”. The first to get the boot was Vice President Hamid Ansari who was given the pink slip yesterday.

According to sources as reliable as Ajmal Kasab, when Hamid logged into his workstation on Friday, he received a system notice saying that his login has been disabled and he was to contact the station HR to collect his dues and experience certificate. Ansari was however not amused. “I am not happy with the way they have targeted my chair. I mean I agree that I was not the busiest person around, but they could have always removed the deputy speaker of Lok Sabha,” he said.

Ansari’s official duties such as attending state funerals and updating the president’s facebook account will now be executed by the parliamentary affairs minister.

Pakistan's new map


Jhappi-puppy-bhappi confusion in UP

Utter chaos and confusion prevailed in one of Sanjay Dutt’s celebrated rallies held in UP recently. The Dutt family scion’s offer of a Jadoo ki Jhappi (magical hug) to UP CM trigged a series of unwanted developments forcing him to scamper back to his native bollywood.

As Sanjay made his offer at the rally, Menaka Gandhi who was rescuing a stray mongrel nearby, heard the phrase as Jadoo ki Puppy (magical puppy), following which she lodged a FIR against Sanjay in a nearby police station. She claimed that Sanjay was trying to defame and malign stray dogs in her constituency. Just then, an aspiring starlet rushed to smooch the munnabhai, saying Sanjay had made an offer of Jadoo ki Puppy (magic kiss) to the audience. His wife however stepped in and said that she will give the starlet a Jhadu ki puppy (kiss from a broom) if she came close to the TADA Munnabhai.

Meanwhile renowned musician and aspiring sumo wrestler Puppy lahiri, who was watching the show on Besahara TV thought that Sanjay …

After Ambani, its Advani's turn

Two people were arrested by cops in the wee hours of Friday in Gandhinagar after they were found wandering mischievously around a copter that was to carry BJP’s PM candidate L K Advani.

On enquiry, it was found that the duo had come as part of a sinister plot to disorient Advani. The two, employees of the copter co hired by BJP, were trying to replace Advani’s in flight Iron Man work out DVD with a Emran Hashmi movie also staring Dino Morea. Advani is known to watch in-flight movies and does his strong PM work out in one of his aero gyms while watching the video. “If the two had succeeded, if Advanji had seen the DVD, the the consequences would have been disastrous. Advaniji could have passed into comma or even worse, he would have agreed to Mayawathi as PM,” claimed an aide close to the former deputy PM.

The deadly duo have been remanded to a 14 day Multiplex custody. This is the second instance of chopper fraud that has come to light in a span of few weeks. Disgruntled employees o…

Commies and their role in Indian politics

Commies and their role in Indian politics

* They are relevant as Taoism in Pakistan
* They are as contemporary as the stone age
* They are more loyal to China than PLA
* They are as useful as the guys who dropped pebbles in Ambanis copter
* They are as useful as gills on land
* They are as innovative as the guy who claims he discovered rain J
* They are as entertaining as being stuck on a desert island
* They are as inspirational as Zardari
* They are as charismatic as Mayawathi
* They are as truthful as Ajmal
* They are as witty as prachanda
* They are as original as Anu Malik and Puppy Lahiri
* They are as clear about tomorrow as John Buchanan is about his team
* They are as valuable as the catapult is for NASA
* Their ideas are as welcome as the Swine flu

Commies represent everything that’s wrong. If the swines have a flu dedicated to them, why cant the commies? That’s the question for this week

New strains of flu...

In light of the swine flu, Governments around the world have issued advisory to their citizens. The Indian government has also issued a warning about possible flu variants that may strike the country in the days to come. Here’s the exclusive list:

Varun flu: (strain H1N3): This strain spreads via election rallies and CDs. This strain becomes extremely virulent around elections when it realizes that it is a nobody and cannot do anything on its own.

Maya flu: (strain H2N5): Spreads through statues and monuments converted into malls. Needs huge sums of money to survive and thrives on scaring opponents using NSA and its high resolution pic. This strain is a real strain on the country.

Mamta flu (strain H2N5): Spreads through bogus agitations and hatred for all development-related activities. Strain H2N5 is the only one that is virulent in the entire set of strains called TMC.

Jaya flu(strain H3N5): extremely virulent in its native state. Spreads via inflammatory speeches and through huge …

Mamata rolls out Mano to counter Nano

Mamta has finally given some shape to her dream of teaching Ratan Tata a lesson. The firebrand TMC leader revealed a prototype of her “common man’s vehicle(CMV)” in Kolkata on Friday. The CMV is part of the TMC leader’s grandiose plan to wean away customers from Tata's Nano and to give ammo to her party’s allies.

The vehicle, tentatively christened Mano, is hybrid one that can run on two fuels, natural gas (just like her speeches) and ethanol. Speaking exclusively to this blogger who was stuck with her for nearly two hours, thanks to the new lift they have installed in Writers building, Mamta said that this vehicle would help her kill two birds with one stone. “It will hurt Tata and help our allies in UPA do well in the sugarcane belts in Maharashtra and UP. The bookings will start soon and we will be distributing 100 vehicles to party workers in Bengal. They will be able to reach the deepest jungles with this bike,” she said.

The bike will be launched in two variants, Sleek and Bh…

Babar Khalasa will glady pay Jaziya: chief

Pakistan-based terrorist organization Babbar Khalsa International has welcomed the Taliban move to impose Jaiza on Sikh citizens of Pakistan. In a press conference organized in Lahore, BKI chief Wadhawan Singh, flanked by high ranked terrorists from Lashkar and Jaish said that there was nothing wrong in paying such a “tax” to Talibani clowns.

“We don’t see any harm in that. If they ask me I will also gladly pay a Jaziya, to save my a**. Besides, we have always believed in supporting groups like Taliban and Jaish and this is just an extension of that thought,” Singh claimed. Taliban, it may be remembered had forcibly captured three houses and ten shops belonging to people of the Sikh community in the Orakzai Agency of the Federally Administered Tribal Areas (FATA) after they failed to fulfill their demands of huge protection money.

Singh also said that he was grateful to the government of Pakistan for offering help and support for fostering so many terrorists on its soil. “I have met te…

Why the mercury is soaring this summer...

* IPL cheerleaders
* Bill Gates forgot to turn off his heater after last winter
* Return of pro beach volleyball to San Diego
* Bhappi Lahiri has stopped wearing his white tux. This means a 32 percent reduction in solar radiation being reflected from earth
* FTV extending the lingerie segment to an hour
*Political hate speeches increasing the communal temperature
* People sighing more and exhaling extra thanks to recession
* Taliban burning confiscated copies of playboy and SI in SWAT
* Kingfisher hiring more air hostesses
Heated spat between Air India airhostess @ 30 K feet
Servers consuming extra power and heating up due to Advani’s blog ads popping up all over the net
* Harsha Bhogle covering up his takla; causing a loss of almost 7 percent of prime reflective space
* Lalit Modi constantly rubbing his palms in anticipation of the moolah flow
* Speech writers in Obama administration burning up the midnight oil writing speeches praising Pakistan’s stellar role in the war on terror

New magazine on shoe throwing launched

In a move designed to take the prevailing shoe throwing frenzy to a new level, Live-In Media Ltd have launched a new magazine focused on shoe throwing. The magazine, called Shoe, will feature articles, features and commentary on the new national past time and delve deep into the psyche of shoe connoisseurs.

The magazine is the brain child of Jarnail Singh (the guy who bowled an underarm at Chidu) and the unknown guy who flung a slipper at Naveen Jindal (the unknown guy who flung a slipper at Naveen Jindal). “I was not able to sleep that night due to the excitement of having achieved so much in just a day. I had to find a way to channel all this excitement and bring intellectual shoe throwers like me under one roof so that we could pool our energies,” says Jarnail.

“I just wanted to get my slipper back,” says the unknown guy, who has persisted with his modesty and continues to remain anonymous. This dude, has become a legend in his native and is know by various names such as “the sharp …

Shoe forecast for the coming week

Shoe forecast for the coming week
by Deadpan Hoochwala

Aries: Overall a good week. Shoes will miss you by a wide margin. Try to maintain a low profile and skirt controversy.

Taurus: Do not step out of the house as you are destined to be hit this week.

Gemini: Shoes will fly from a North West direction. Avoid making speeches facing North-North West. Double check your volleyball net and keep an eye out for projectiles of all sizes and shapes. For protection, feed a white crow three times a day and avoid the next three issues of Swimsuit Illustrated.

Cancer: an old affair will come back to haunt you. Chances are that an old enemy will fling a slipper; the slipper in question will be a heavy one and this encounter could land you in hospital. Do not listen to psephologists under any circumstances.

Leo: The danger is from the mediafolks. Avoid giving interviews this week and appearance in all forms of media must be avoided. There is a possibility of a media guy flinging a slipper dipp…