Mumbai Airport declared 'World Heritage Site', tag highlights the poor state of infra
The world’s worst airport, glorified pan shop, and flyer’s worst nightmare Mumbai Airport has been tagged by UNESCO as a World Heritage Site. UNESCO has called Mumbai airport a “monument that displays remarkable apathy and monumental neglect of fundamental human rights values. Mumbai Airport is a living testament to the heights to which human imagination could fall. Passengers need special training to just pass through the alleged airport,” a press note from UNESCO said.
UNESCO, according to sources, is making an example out of the alleged airport to prevent other airports from following the Mumbai model. “The mess that is Mumbai airport is an example of who not to be. Things are broken at the quantum level up to the ATC and beyond. Forget customer experience; even basic levels of customer support are unavailable. Mumbai airport is worse than some Soviet-era airports functioning in the successor states of the USSR in Central Asia. These are airports functioning with 4-5 people, unpaved runways, and conveyor belts operated by hamsters. This shows how bad things are at CSMIA if they are worse than these Central Asian airports,” a source at UNESCO said.
Mumbai Airport has many firsts to its credit. It is the first airport in the country to do away with Digiyatra for all airlines except that customer service champion, Indigo. It is also the first airport with terminals separated by some distance yet unconnected by any form of fast transport. The alleged airport also uses all kinds of excuses to crimp on costs. "Yesterday, they arbitrarily turned off the lights on the runway, saying they were complying with Earth Hour. The truth is that Earth Hour was over long before these guys decided to turn off the lights for over 3 hours. Flights had to be diverted to Pune and Jaipur airports to avoid a situation. Angry passengers were threatened with an ED raid by the senior mismanagement of the airport to prevent them from raising a complaint. We had to forego our tickets and go home,” a passenger said.
Mumbai airport also doesn’t maintain proper signage outside its terminals to guide those driving in.
Another area where CSMIA saves money is through the use of algae belonging to Chlorophyceae, Xanthophyceae, and Chrysophyceae classes in the loo instead of water. Mumbai’s alleged airport does not use water in its loos. The algae are used to suppress the stink generated by the lack of water. It is alleged that the senior mismanagement of CSMIA wears diapers to avoid the use of loos in the airport.
“Our airport is a class in itself. We save so much money that our senior mis-management folks are now able to afford flights via charter aircraft and are hushed in via a big backdoor so that they don’t have to experience the problems that passengers face. Our airport is a symbol of cost-cutting measures taken to the extreme. If every airport were to do what we do, then we can together defeat climate change, as people will then stop flying and do things virtually,” said Prakash Champakani,” Cheap Executive Director and head of service cutting at CSMIA said.
Champakani revealed that CSMIA will launch more new initiatives to further save costs. Some of these are:
- Conveyor belts will have to be mandatorily operated by passengers if they want their luggage. This means they will have to pull the belts manually.
- Lounges to have railway coach-type seating. Those with premium exotic cards with monthly spends of over Rs. 1,00,000 will get the upper seats, while those with debit cards and less spending will get the middle seats, and the lower ones will go to airport employees.
- Passengers who wish to use the aerobridge will have to pay extra. Others will be cramped into a tractor-trailer and dumped outside the aircraft.
- Airport apron area to be rented to local vendors
- CSMIA has sent a proposal to the Ministry of Uncivil Aviation to allow CISF personnel to be replaced by Badani Group goons.
- Fireflies will be reared in special containers on the runway and taxiway to serve as guiding lights in the evening and night.
“We are delighted by this UNESCO recognition. In fact, the UNESCO team was here a month ago to check on our facilities. Two members fainted after using the lavatory and had to be airlifted for urgent treatment of their olfactory nerves and olfactory bulbs. One guy was hit by an airport luggage vehicle inside the aerobridge. This trip was a memorable one for the delegation, and we knew that CSMIA would win. To celebrate, we have turned off lights across terminals for the next 3 days. When it comes to being cheap, we are unbeatable,” Champakani said.
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