Hollywood and Bollywood need to work together to curb bad actors: John Kerry

US Secretary of State and Pakistan’s unofficial foreign minister John Kerry began his two hour ‘timepass’ tour of India by urging the two nations to put their heads together to curb common problems in vital areas such as entertainment. Kerry has already informed the Indian government that he is in India just to refuel his plane before heading to Pakistan as he is not sure of the quality of fuel he will get there, sources said.

“I have no serious engagements here. In fact I didn’t even meet your usual motley crew of ministers and I would like to state that this is simply a pitstop and I am not here to do any serious business. So what are you guys doing here? You should be doing something important like reporting on your masters in the government or attacking bloggers and social media,” Kerry told a delegation of journalists.  

Kerry in India

He said he will take just one question before he moves to his native Pakistan. When asked as to what he felt was a common problem that US and India faced, Kerry said “we have lots of bad actors in Hollywood and I am told you have your fair share of these clowns too. Infact I am told that the problem is worse in India as you believe in promoting children of yesteryear stars. Now that’s bad. Both India and US need to work together to ensure that the quality of movies produced in both nation live upto the standards expected of them”.

No sooner had he finished, the whole hall resonated with peels of laughter. Many journalists were seen rolling on the floor laughing. Some of them rolled all the way to the parking lot and rolled back in after checking if their vehicles were still there. A bemused Kerry was told that Indian movies did not believe in quality and that quantity and romance in weird situations was paramount.

Before Kerry could recover, director/producer Mahesh Bhatt walked in along with ‘actor’ Sunny Leone. “Mr Kerry, you have no right to criticize Indian movies. Look at this fine actor beside me (pointing to Sunny Leone). She can act, dance and even scream. When she is acting she gets so excited that she screams and howls in fact that’s all she does in the name of acting. Now look at me. I am the only director in the world who finalizes his script after his movie is released. Now do you have that kind of talent in Hollywood? So keep your problems to yourself and let Bollywood do its job," Bhatt said.

Bhatt went on and delivered a 23 hour lecture on the spot. But luckily Kerry was whisked away by his security guys and the journalists who had assembled slithered away.