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Showing posts from December, 2012

Calvin's dad on Arnab Goswami

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Z+ security for Barkha Dutt on Twitter

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The Indian government has decided to extend Z+ category security on Twitter to aunty national news nanny Barkha Dutt commencing 2013. A decision to this effect has already been made and a notification was sent to Dutt on Thursday evening, government sources told Humor Unplugged.

Z+ category means that the government will deploy a Kapil Sibalesque character to monitor twitter activity to weed out tweets defaming Dutt. “We have over 78 attitudinal lookalikes of Kapil Sibal, 40 of whom are monitoring and censoring Twitter as we speak. The rest are being trained and prepared to take on similar responsibilities in the future. We have received a request to deploy one of our social media moderators to protect the reputation of the honourable Barkha Dutt and we are delighted to report that we will honor the request in under 72 hours,” a senior telecom ministry babu said.      

The decision means that any tweets deemed offensive after considering over 300 parameters will be deleted immediate…

Team India dedicates T20 batting performance to Shinde

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In what has been widely hailed as a remarkable display of sensitivity, Team India batsmen dedicated their performance in the T20 match vs Pakistan to Union Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde. It may be remembered that below par performance by Indian batsmen let the team down in the crucial T20 tie against arch rivals Pakistan in Bangalore yesterday.

Speaking at an informal interaction with Indian bloggers, Indian captain M S Dhoni attributed the batting performance to a decision the team had collectively taken on Monday evening. “We had decided that if we perform well, we will keep quiet but if we perform below par, the whole thing will be attributed to our home minister. It is the least we could do for such a remarkable underperformer and undeserving minister,” Dhoni said asking us to go off record.      

BCCI sources are reportedly quite miffed with the decision. When asked, a senior BCCI official who was caught giggling in Lok Sabha in the middle of a serious debate said “If it wa…

Potatoes replace cops in certain Delhi localities

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Few days after Boeing commenced Wifi testing with potatoes, few citizens in Delhi have put uniformed potatoes in their localities to make up for lack of police patrol in their area.

"Boeing Test and Evaluation laboratories recently discovered that sacks of potatoes work as a substitute for people, when testing the effect on WiFi of an airline cabin packed with passengers. The program is called Synthetic Personnel Using Dielectric Substitution (SPUDS) and its purpose is to develop the most evenly spread and reliable WiFi coverage for an airliner," a certified geek told us.

Few citizens in Delhi angry with cop inaction and deteriorating law and order situation in the national capital devised an igneous method to increase cop presence in their area. These folks purchased bags of potatoes and put them in police uniforms and placed them in strategic locations in their localities.  The sacs are sitting by themselves and apparently doing a good job in managing law and order in are…

Skeletons of husband and wife who died waiting for IRCTC page to load unearthed

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Archaeologists have unearthed skeletons belonging to a couple who tried booking their vacation tickets via IRCTC’s website and died waiting for the home page to load. The discovery was made last week but the government kept the discovery secret till Humor Unplugged accessed the report via our sources in the government.

The age of the skeletons is yet to be determined and it seems as if they were trying to access the page via their laptop. The husband is seen looking at his laptop (now missing, presumed stolen by grave robbers) while the wife is turning the other way, smirking at her hubby's patient ways. The page never loaded and the two never got to go on their vacation.

“The couple have once again shown how slow and crawly the home page of IRCTC is. In some states, it is considered a punishment to book tickets via the portal. We need to improve the speed of the site by deploying more servers and revamping the UI,” a former Indian Railways bureaucrat told Humor Unplugged.

Terrorists attack Peshawar airport; Rehman Malik blames Global Warming

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Three civilians and five suicide attackers were killed when a group of Taliban fighters attempted to storm the airport in the North Western city of Peshawar after firing five rockets, officials said. Pakistan’s interior minister, Rehman Malik however refused to blame militants for the attack and attributed the disturbance to global warming.

“No suicide bombers were involved I can triple guarantee you that. Our understanding is that the local climate system in areas around Peshawar has changed drastically over the last few years. Changes have been observed in the amount, intensity, frequency, and type of precipitation. Widespread increases in heavy precipitation have occurred, even in places where total rain amounts have decreased and this is what led to the disturbance in Peshawar,” Rehman Malik said.

“Climate change? That man (Malik) requires urgent psychological attention. Our people attacked Peshawar airport yesterday to demonstrate our anger against the increase in user developme…

Time Magazine calls Dhoni an underachiever...

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Time magazine has done it again. Another Indian 'leader' has been classified by it as an underachiever. We will wait for Indian magazine Outlook to respond.  

Priyanka Chopra nominated for World Music Awards

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Year 2012 has proved to be a successful one for Priyanka Chopra. The alleged actor’s debut song has been nominated in the newly created 'mosquito repellent' category at the World Music Awards. The nomination was confirmed by a leading page 3 newspaper that regularly covers Elvis sightings across the US.

“Coming at a time when the disease dengue is becoming a major epidemic in India and other countries, Priyanka Chopra couldn’t have chosen a better timing for the release of her single, even if she could think. Her song has been found effective in repelling mosquitoes as confirmed by various independent health care NGOs operating in different parts of India. Many civic agencies and NGOs are playing her song in public to drive away mosquitoes. It has also been proven that her song can also change the reproductive cycle and behaviour of mosquitoes rendering them sterile,” the report in the leading daily states.  

Sources have told Humor Unplugged that the song has been download…

Man wakes up to see glittering ghost sitting beside him watching Talaash

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A man watching the movie Talaash had a horrendous experience when he woke up towards the end only to find a real life talking ghost talking to him. The incident which disturbed the victim and left a deep scar on his psyche happened in a Mumbai theatre yesterday afternoon. An investigation by Mumbai police however revealed the ghost to be a human being.

The man according to sources was seated in the VIP enclosure and was so bored by the movie that he dozed off midway. When he woke up, he saw a ghost draped in white with ‘red blood soaked’ lips and stalactite and stalagmite shaped teeth saying ‘well, hello darling did you enjoy your beauty sleep’?

The man collapsed screaming 'ghost' and then rolled down the enclosure only to crash into a barrier with a loud thud. The whole thing caused a huge pandemonium and soon the theatre resembled Lok Sabha debating retail FDI. The theatre was empty in just 5 minutes and soon the cops arrived and scanned the place for clues. They didn’t fin…

Ghostly affairs is the new in-thing, post Talaash

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Recently released paranormal thriller Talaash has led to an increase in the number of people endorsing or engaging in extra marital relationships with denizens of the spirit world. A snap poll conducted by a prominent page 3 newspaper found that the number of people involved in paranormal relationships has risen by a whopping 30 percent (year-on-year) since the release of the Aamir Khan starrer, a week ago.

“Our snap poll conducted in 23 Indian cities found that nearly 32 percent of respondents were either in a relationship with a ghost or were open to the idea. This is as compared to just 2 percent in 2011. The release of the movie Talaash and increasing awareness of the benefits of engaging a ghostly in an out-of-this-world relationship are responsible for this increase,” said a HU source who had worked for the project in the newspaper.

Psychologists like Dr. Hammerschmidst support the notion. “The chances of someone getting caught having an inappropriate relationship with a ghost…

Maoists kidnap Ronald McDonald dummy from Indian Mc Dee outlet

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Amid the raging FDI debate in parliament, a dummy statue of Ronald McDonald, primary mascot of the McDonald's fast-food chain of restaurants went missing yesterday evening from one of its outlets in Mumbai. Initial reports emerging from ground zero suggest that renegade Maoists have kidnapped the iconic clown to put pressure on the Indian government.

Speaking exclusively to Humor Unplugged, senior inspector Kash Ghobble said “the clown vanished yesterday evening and folks from the restaurant lodged a 30 page FIR with us. Later on they received a call from a group calling itself the Bollywood Maoists who claimed that they have abducted the clown to put pressure on the government to ease out on the FDI debate in parliament and ultimately withdraw the decision to allow FDI in multi-brand retail in the country. They have also sent a picture of the kidnapped dummy. We have a few leads and are investigating”.  

The Maoists, according to sources, have threatened to harm the dummy unles…