Time for Mullah bots to take over

Web bots will soon be issuing fatwas around the globe. Humor Unplugged has learnt that Taliban affiliated Pakistani fatwa body, the Mullah Council of Pakistan (MCP), has finalized plans to involve bots in the process of issuing fatwas. MCP has already expressed concern over declining number of fatwas issued annually around the globe and claims that the global shortfall is in the range of over 30,000-45,000 fatwas annually.    

Internet bots, also known as web robots, WWW robots or simply bots, are applications that run automated tasks on the internet. Typically, bots perform tasks that are both simple and structurally repetitive, at a much faster rate than would be possible for a human.

Speaking from his bat-infested cave in Pesawar, MCP spokesperson Mullah Gomar said “This has been a problem since as long as I can remember. We don’t have enough trained mullahs around who can issue a fatwa within minutes of detecting a Shariah violation . These bots will be trained using the toughest interpretation of Shariah to ensure that all forms of violations are reported and addressed through a fatwa. We have already tested them (the bots) in various parts of Pakistan and were amazed by the results. As compared to mullahs who have a 30 percent strike rate, these bots have a 72.35 percent strike rate. Besides, these bots can detect a violation anywhere even on chat and social media”.      

Mullah Gomar also said that the bots are only a temporary solution to the issue. “We don’t intent to have these bots hanging around for long. It is only a stop gap measure till such a time that we have enough Stone Age mullahs around to issue fatwas on everything from weather to traffic jams,” he said.

Humor Unplugged was unable to determine the source of the application that helped MCP create these bots. Not so reliable sources have however told Humor Unplugged that the source for these bots was an American IT services concern based in Seattle.


Sairam said…
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